I am reblogging one of my first, favorite posts about my eccentric family. Enjoy!
When you are dealing with family, it clarifies things to have a scale. You don’t have to waste time analyzing people when you have a ready reference. This one works pretty well for us.
1.Has a monogrammed straight jacket and standing reservation on mental ward.
2.Family is likely to move away without leaving forwarding address. Has jail time in the past or the future
3.People say, “Oh, crap. Here comes Johnny.”
4.Can go either way. Gets by on a good day. Never has been arrested. Can be lots of fun or a real mess. Relatives usually will invite in for coffee. Likely to have hormone-induced behavior.
5.Regular guy. Holds down a job. Mostly takes care of business. Probably not a serial marrier. Attends church when he has to.
6.Good fellow. Almost everybody likes him or her. Volunteers for Habitat for Humanity. Manages money well enough to retire early.
7.High achiever. Business is in order. Serves on city council.
8.Looks too good to be true. What’s really going on?
9.Over-achiever. Affairs are in order. Solid citizen. Dull, dull, dull. Could end up as a 1
Instead of saying, “Uncle Henry’s a pretty good guy, but sometimes he goes off the deep end, you could say, ‘He’s a usually about a 6 but he was a little 4-ish after Aunt Lou took his new truck and ran off with his brother’.” Or…
“Why in the world did Betty marry him? He was a jerk to her when she was married to his daddy.”
“Well, you know she’s a 5.”
“Oh, yeah. I forgot about that.” Or…
“You set the house on fire trying to dry your underwear in the oven?? What in the hell were you thinking?? And you call yourself a 6?”
“Look, you know darn well I’m a 6. It just seemed like a good idea. Appliances should be multifunctional. I’ve seen you pull a 2 lot of times and never threw it up to you. It could happen to anyone.” Or…
“You forgot and put the turnip greens through the spin cycle and now the washing machine drain is stopped up! I’m not even going to ask you what turnip greens were doing in the washing machine! You’re a 2 if I ever saw one. Your mama and sisters are 2′s, too!! Did you put the beans in the dishwasher, too, while you were at it?”
“No, I’m not an idiot. You cook beans on the stove. I put my rolls in the dishwasher to rise.”
Our family reunions are an eclectic mix of mostly 5′s who vacation in 4 and 6 on occasion, some fairly regular folks, seasoned with a picante’ dash of street-corner preachers, nude airport racers, and folks who are just interesting in general. We have a couple of 7′s thrown in, reminders of what we could do if we tried. A person’s position on the social ladder is likely to be greatly influenced by his company or partner. For instance, if a submissive #5 marries a dominant #7, it is likely he or she will benefit. If the lower number is more influential, not so much.
I was comfortable growing up in this eccentric milieu of the 1950’s. While I gave lip service to my parents’ goal of strict respectability, I enjoyed a ringside seat to periodic lunacy. It also justified my lapses. It ran it the family! And no matter how disappointed my parents might be when I messed up, at least I hadn’t been caught naked in traffic yet.
When considering their upcoming parenthood, most people entertain hormone-tinged delusions, imagining their children as cute, well-behaved, athletic, and smart. We gaze fondly at our partners imagining a baby with his blue eyes, her sweet smile…we should have looked a little closer at Grandpa’s buck teeth or Grandma’s frizzy hair. Even better, this baby is just as likely to inherit genes from a great-great grandpa, the horse thief, as from Grandpa John, the Pulitzer Prize Winner. The baby might look a lot more like Aunt Fanny, the lady wrestler, than its pretty mama. A better plan would probably be to put all babies in a lottery at birth, so parents could credit their lumps to bad luck and the joys to good parenting for the next twenty-one years. The kids would definitely appreciate it.
(to be continued)
Yuuuup! That pert-neer covers it!
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You are genuine South!
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This post made me chuckle in to my coffee!
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Thanks. Checking out your site now.
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I so wish our families could have a Christmas dinner together … my family would look like so normal! Almost Brady Bunch! lol! Loved this piece! 🙂
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Hello Hello!
I have nominated you for “The Versatile Blogger Award”
http://parparv.com/2015/05/04/the-versatile-blogger-award/
You have a great blog and I wanted to share it with my readers ☺
Feel free to participate!
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Oh thx.
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I have come to realize there is no such thing as Ozzie and Harriet, yet we grew up in the 50’s thinking we were supposed to be like them!
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I think we were more like the clampetts meet Tobacco Road.
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Lmao!!
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Oh good. I am writing about another cousin right now. Will post as soon as I finish.
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Most families have some oddball people in their family. I think I am that oddball. Or at least people aren’t understood very well. My family disowned me when I returned home after 40 years. I no longer fit the mold. Oh well – but I do enjoy reading about your odd ball family! lol
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Odd is normal in my family. I’ve had one family member do prison time for counterfeiting and another get arrested for trying to burn his mama’s house. That’s a bit beyond odd.
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OMG that really is bizarre! keep writing. Have you thought of putting into a book!
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Working on it now.
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Sometimes i think my fingers should fall off at the end of the day from typing so much!
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Send me a link when you post
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I started writing a book about 12 years ago called “Sharp Left Turn” on my life with the intention of total honesty. I reached a point I had to stop because my mother is still alive and I thought surely she’d have a heart attack!
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Write it anyway. Who knows where it may take you.
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Since i stopped i’ve pretty much told my mother everything – one at a time to lesson the shock. But now, her memory isn’t so good so she gets shocked all over again at things she’s already known!
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Now that’s too bad. Maybe you should cut her a break!
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well . . . I did leave some stuff out! lol
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Now that was thoughtful!
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Ha!
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Reblogged this on Anchors and Butterflies and commented:
Aah Family! … Sometimes you have to be there to believe it!!
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Oh thank you!
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OH, this is so awesome! Thank you abundantly for sending me the link. Please continue to do so should you know of others I might enjoy. This is as good as anything I’ve read anywhere:
“Even better, this baby is just as likely to inherit genes from a great-great grandpa, the horse thief, as from Grandpa John, the Pulitzer Prize Winner. The baby might look a lot more like Aunt Fanny, the lady wrestler, than its pretty mama. A better plan would probably be to put all babies in a lottery at birth, so parents could credit their lumps to bad luck and the joys to good parenting for the next twenty-one years.”
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https://nutsrok.wordpress.com/2014/12/08/cookie-and-uncle-riley-part-1-repost/ If you like crazies, you’ll love this. Go to my site and click on Crazy relatives tag. You’ll hit the Mother Lode! So glad you like them. I laughed till I nearly wet my pants while I was writing. The best part is, they are all true! Will go back and hunt up a couple of other links for you.
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https://nutsrok.wordpress.com/2014/11/24/ruth-elaine-and-the-exploding-baby-part-i-of-ii-1930s-memoir/ Bet you’ll like this, too. It’s a true story from my mother’s childhood.
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What a great laugh 🙂
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Thanks
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Hilarious!!!
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Reading this one backwards….
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Probably wront hurt it a bit. Some of my family is quite backward, God love ’em!
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Thanks.
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