The picture in the upper left captures a frequent expression of Mother’s, usually after she has just opened her mouth and put her foot in it. The picture in the center was made on a stone patio she built herself. The final picture was made of a visit to family in New Jersey. We were walking through a beautiful cemetery and Mother decided to try out the real estate. She liked it a lot, but decided against being buried that day.
This post has nothing to do with Vagina, Boobs, and Poop. I am doing a post on crazy things my mother has said and done and wanted to see if this garnered interest. Mother is sensitive about her age and height, so I can’t mention the fact that she is past eighty, and “not tall,” but besides that, has said and done some interesting things.
1. She left her lights on, ran her car battery down, and asked a nice young police officer to “jack her off.” She wasn’t arrested.
2.She doesn’t like it when someone asks how tall she is, so replies either, “How much do you weigh? or How much money do you have?” By the way, she is not tall.
3. She once crashed wedding in cut off blue jeans, sitting in the first row on the bride’s side. The family was not friendly.
4. She was once locked in a museum and had to be rescued by the fire department, climbing over the fence on their ladder.
5. She was locked in Windsor Castle. More on that later.
6. She rolled up a car window up on a camel’s lip. These things happen.
7. She made change in the offering plate at church and came out twenty dollars ahead.
8. She lost her bra at church one Sunday. She never could explain that!
9, When two intruders broke in her house, she made one of them help her into her robe before she would talk to them. She gave them eleven dollars, telling them, “That’s enough!” They thanked her when they left, telling her to “have a nice day.” She told the police officers later, “They were polite and had been raised right.” Go figure.
10. She threatened a rapist
11. She won’t say “Bull.” That sounds crude. She substitutes “male cow.”
Don’t tell her I said vagina, boobs, and poop. God knows she tried to raise me right.
I decided to flesh these delightful stories out for the New Year, after first clarifying. Mother’s mind is not going. Lots of these stories go back many years. She’s a delight to be around and keeps family and friends in stitches, most often without meaning to.
#1. “Officer can you jack me off?”
Mother is prissy to the point of being prudish, exchewing vulgar terms such as “butt” and “pee.”Dern is as bad as it gets, except for one time I heard her say “Damn” when she raised up under and open cabinet door. Life presents challenges for a kid growing up with such a restrictive vocabulary. I have to admit, however, she may have had a closed-head injury when she said it.
Any way, Mother made her way to the local mall for lunch and an afternoon of shopping with her frinnds. Much later she returned to her car and found a dead battery, courtesy of the lights she’d left on. I suspect she may have said “Dern!”
Donning her best poor stranded woman look, she flagged down a Police Officer, asking if he could jack her off using her best Minnie Mouse squeak. Maybe he ihad a grandma, but she didn’t get arrested. (To be continued) Note link to youtube channel below to see her.
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC0HAKC-qt-tJu7qWJLNgSYg
Ooops! I meant “my sister and I”
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How delightful! Thank you for sharing your mom with us. When my sister think of our mom, we sometimes imagine that if she’d been sane, she would have been as awesome as your mom is. We used to say that because we are the way we are, upbeat and sometimes funny, that we’d taken after that part of her that we would see on rare occasions. Loved it!!
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You are welcome to share mine.
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Hilarious! I checked out the youtube videos too. She’s just great!!
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I need to do some more videos and some pod casts. May try to get one today. She is a wonder! Recently she was all smug at a class reunion when she found out she’d outlived a hateful girl she went to school with.
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Omg! Reading this, I thought I was reading about my grandmother! She too was small, but packed quite a punch. She’s been gone for years now, but reading this reminded me so much of her. Thank you! 😊
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Isn’t it great when people don’t wear out!
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It is. She was an amazing woman, and a serious trip, until the day she died. Her thirst for fun is likely how she lived to be 92, and a vibrant 92 at that. Good for you having a wacky wild child of a mom. Enjoy her as long as you can. And dole out more about her antics! She’s my kinda people! 🙂
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Mine too! When we stop for a cup of coffee, she’ll ask, “Do you have change for a dollar? I hate to break a dollar for a cup of coffee.” She knows I’m going to pay, anyway. I believe if she were going to buy a car, she’d say, ” Do you have change…..?”
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She sounds great! 😃
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I’m dreading taking her to lunch today. At least one of my sisters will be there to split the bill. I know we will get skinned. She will take all our leftovers, too. Sometimes she reaches over and gets something before we finish, saying, “You don’t need all that. I’ll just save it for my supper!” Who’s going to tell their 87 year-old mama, “No”? Think I’ll do a post on that this afternoon if I get back in time.
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I wouldn’t tell her no! 😃
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Me neither!
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Probably wise not to! 😃
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Jack off – that’s just hilarious, amongst being locked in and losing a bra in a church! How very adorable your mom is! 😊
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The funny part is, she always tells on herself.
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Reblogged this on Dream Big, Dream Often and commented:
This is Nutsrok!!
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ok I want to hear about Windsor Castle 🙂
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Ok link is on there but will send i qhen I gethomek
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I am assuming you said ‘I will send once I get home’? Lol! Yes that would be great. I love your blog! I need to laugh. I’ve been feeling so down lately and your blog makes me smile 😄
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https://nutsrok.wordpress.com/2015/01/05/vagina-boobs-and poop-part-5/
I hope this gives you a chuckle. If you go back to #12 and click on any of the links, it should take you to another story.
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Absolutely precious! I watched a couple of the videos and they were adorable as well.
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So glad you enjoyed them. She’s such a ham.
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You had me at the pic in the cemetery. Who at age 80 lies down to test the real estate?? What a joy, and a challenge, to grow up with a mom like that. That sense of humor in your gene pool…fabulous. I look forward to reading more! Van
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She’s kind of special!
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She sounds too reserved. Tell her to cut loose a little bit. 😉
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God for forbid. I’d have to carry bail all the time
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https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC0HAKC-qt-tJu7qWJLNgSYg
Try this link!
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I’d like to meet this woman!!! Haha! (But, you’ll do). Hahaha!! Just kidding…….NOT. Your post made me silly. 😀
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Thanks did you see link to you tub page on post?
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Oh, no, I didn’t I will go look. 🙂
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No, my link wasn’t on there.
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Will go back and get it for you
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You don’t have to do that – it’s okay.
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https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC0HAKC-qt-tJu7qWJLNgSYg
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC0HAKC-qt-tJu7qWJLNgSYg
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https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC0HAKC-qt-tJu7qWJLNgSYg
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Oh your mothers video. It is darling! I thought you said you had connected mine (I don’t have a video).
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Oh. I was goofy
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Well I am old but I’m not over 85 yet. LOL!! Haha!
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Thanks. More coming.
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OMG, your mother is the spitting image of my mother-in-law. She’s a hoot, too! I can’t wait to read more of these stories.
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This by far this years best blog! I just love this
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Really? Thanks if you aren’t pulling my leg. This is a precursor to a book. Would you like to hear how her brother in law interrupted her bath. They were both mortified and just made small talk while he washed his hands and she crouched down. Also, she once had panties on her head when the new preacher came to visit.
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No really, I have a local female friend who teaches creative writing and I have emailed your site to her.
Her first and second book is based on family activities that she has chronicled in a book titled “Cow Path to Heaven” by Jeanette M Batko. It is available on Amazon.
I see you taking all that you have posted here on WordPress and simply putting them into a book for the world to read. I just love the photos you have attached.
Check out Jeannette’s book and you my find inspiration to take on the book idea.
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That’s exactly what I plan. That’s why I am doing this series, introducing my zany mother. I’ll get you friend’s book. Love to talk to her. Could you ask her to get in touch with me?
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I will email her and ask her to follow up on your posting via WordPress.
She has a Goodreads site;https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/14555199-cow-path-to-heaven
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Thanks
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Thanks. I hope she’ll respond. Would love some pointers for publication.
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Waiting for Jeanette’s book to come in now!
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I hope you enjoy it!
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I expect to.
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Your mom is absolutely precious! What a character!! What stories you must have! Thanks for making me LOL today!!
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Bahahahaaha!
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I roared my head off when I read some of these! Your Mum is absolutely priceless! I can’t wait to hear more.
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https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC0HAKC-qt-tJu7qWJLNgSYg link to YouTube link
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I saw these yesterday, they are brilliant. Your Mum seems so sweet.
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Best real life funny stories I’ve read for a long time, and enjoyed, your mum sounds so lovely too!
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https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC0HAKC-qt-tJu7qWJLNgSYg link to YouTube link
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Thank you 🙂
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You introduce your mother in such a likeable and authentic way that I think I know her all my life. I love your mom 🙂
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Thanks. She is lovely. You can see her on my Nutsrok youtube channel. I wish you could meet her. She’s the best mother in the world.
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I am sure to tell from the love you spread through your posts about her.
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https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC0HAKC-qt-tJu7qWJLNgSYg link to YouTube link
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OMG, Linda! Who made that clip. It is so funny. I can’t stop laughing. Did you do the text. It fits perfectly your posts. And your mom is so cute. I would love to cuddle her. 🙂
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A friend did it spontaneously on her IPad. Didn’t she do a great job. We were visiting on my sisters back porch. Didn’t
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Oh my, your mum is a gem. Can I adopt her? We have a granny flat. Would still like to know how she lost a bra at church.
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She is a delight!
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So would I
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You had me laughing the whole way through! Thanks for the humour 🙂
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Glad you enjoyed it. Watch for some more today.
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Check her out on Nutsrok Youtube Channel
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Check her out on Nutsrok Youtube Channel
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She’s adorable! Does she know she’s famous now that you’ve written about her?
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She kept saying, “Don’t forget to add …….Check out Nutsrok on Youtube. You can see her.
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Check her out on Nutsrok Youtube Channel.
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I love your Mother….The title really caught my eye and this story is priceless:
9, When two intruders broke in her house, she made one of them help her into her robe before she would talk to them. She gave them eleven dollars, telling them, “That’s enough!” They thanked her when they left, telling her to “have a nice day.” She told the police officers later, “They were polite and had been raised right.” Go figure.
I will love your blog forever….
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You are a real friend. I am going to go through the whole list, so keep watching.
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My Mother’s a total laugh, as well! (Without meaning to be!) I just wish I could remember HALF of the whoppers she told people! Thanks for sharing (your Mom!!) 🙂
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Your Mom is wonderful! 😉
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She is!
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OMG, I really laughed out loud!!! I love your Mom!!!
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She keeps us in stiches
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that;s what I wanna be when I’m in my eighties….a sassy Grandma!!
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She does a fine job of it!
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““Officer can you jack me off?”” *dies laughing*XD
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We were falling down laughing when she came in with this story!
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It’s priceless. P
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lol
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Haha!
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Yep!
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Reblogged this on Philosopher Poet with Dreams and commented:
You gotta do a book your stories are so funny! I want to hang out with her.
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Thanks so much for reblog. I am writing a book. Will let you know when it’s ready!
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Yipppeee can’t wait!
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Check her out on Nutsrok Youtube Channel Lin
Link to YouTube channel https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC0HAKC-qt-tJu7qWJLNgSYg
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Having trouble finding it can you give me the link??
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https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC0HAKC-qt-tJu7qWJLNgSYg Please let me know if it doesn’t work.
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Looking forward to the rest of the story. Just a point of information, and it may be something on my end, but I only see two pictures. One of your mother doing her “scream” imitation, and one of her testing out the comfort of the cemetery. The one “on a stone patio she built herself” is not showing up. Again, maybe it’s me and my computer, but I just thought I’d let you know.
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Thanks. I will check.
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She’s a keeper!
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Priceless!!!! Mums are great!!!! I cant wait for mine to get a tad older so i can relay some of her mumisms!!!💜
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I love your mom!
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She’s adorable
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I love her already! I had to laugh so much!
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More to come tomorrow.
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