Vagina, Boobs, and Poop (Part 9)

surpriseThis post has nothing to do with Vagina, Boobs, and Poop.  I am doing a post on crazy things my mother has said and done and wanted to see if this garnered interest.  Mother is sensitive about her age and height, so I can’t mention the fact that she is past eighty, and “not tall,” but besides that, has said and done some interesting things.   (Links to part 1-8 below) https://nutsrok.wordpress.com/2015/01/01/vagina-boobs-and-poop-2/ https://nutsrok.wordpress.com/2015/01/01/vagina-boobs-and-poop-2/ https://nutsrok.wordpress.com/2015/01/03/vagina-boobs-and-poop-part-3/ https://nutsrok.wordpress.com/2015/01/04/vagina-boobs-and-poop-part-4/ htthttps://nutsrok.wordpress.com/2015/01/05/vagina-boobs-and poop-part-5/ https://nutsrok.wordpress.com/2015/01/06/vagina-boobs-and-poop-part-6/ http://Nutsrok.wordpress.com/2015/01/07/vagina-boobs-and-poop-part-7

https://nutsrok.wordpress.com/2015/01/07/vagina-boobs-and-poop-part-8/

http://lindaghill.com/2015/01/01/just-jot-it-january-pingback-post-and-rules/

https://nutsrok.wordpress.com/2014/10/07/sorry-your-highness-my-mothers-a-snob https://nutsrok.wordpress.com/2015/01/02/meet-kathleen-alias-my-mother-on-video/

1.  She left her lights on, ran her car battery down, and asked a nice young police officer to “jack her off.”  She wasn’t arrested.

3.  She once crashed  wedding in cut off blue jeans, sitting in the first row on the bride’s side.  The family was not friendly.

4.  She was once locked in a museum and had to be rescued by the fire department, climbing over the fence on their ladder.

5.  She was locked in Windsor Castle. More on that later.

6. She rolled up a car window up on a camel’s lip.  These things happen.

7.  She made change in the offering plate at church and came out twenty dollars ahead.

8.  She lost her bra at church one Sunday.  She never could explain that!

9,  When two intruders broke in her house, she made one of them help her into her robe before she would talk to them.  She gave them eleven dollars, telling them, “That’s enough!” They thanked her when they left, telling her to “have a nice day.”  She told the police officers later, “They were polite and had been raised right.”  Go figure.

10.  She threatened a rapist.

11. She won’t say “Bull.”  That sounds crude.  She substitutes “male cow.” Don’t tell her I said vagina, boobs, and poop. God knows she tried to raise me right!

#9.  When two intruders broke in her house, she made one of them help her into her robe before she would talk to them.  She gave them eleven dollars, telling them, “That’s enough!”  They thanked her when they left, telling her to “have a nice day.”  She told the police officers later, “They were polite and had been raised right.”  Go figure.

I think this story sums Mother up better than anything else.  She gets rattled over little things, but is a rock when something huge challenges her.

I got a call from her after midnight.  “I’m okay.  Don’t panic.  The police are on the way!  I just wanted to let you know someone kicked my door down!”  You can imagine the horror and shock that message sent through me, imagining my poor little mother at the mercy of God only knows who, not even a door against the night.  Bud and I flew over.

By the time we got there, police officers were there investigating.  Her shattered front door was propped up on her front porch, splintered wood splayed around her living room.  Mother had coffee ready for us. (I told you she was calm in a storm.)  She had been sleeping when awakened by two young guys dressed in black, with black ski masks, one brandishing a baseball bat.  The nearest advanced down the hall, demanding her purse. She cooperated, but asked, “Can you get me my robe?  It’s hanging on a hook on the bathroom door. I can’t be walking around in front of you with no robe.”

He agreed, getting the robe, helping her into it since she was having a little trouble with her shoulder, probably sorry he’d ever started this.  His partner laid down the bat, thank God, demanding her purse.

Fearing he’d think she was going for a gun, she said, “It’s on that shelf.”  He bumbled and found her library books in a bag, ready for return.

“These are just books.”

“Just behind them.

This time he found her wallet.  Digging through it, he was dismayed to find only eleven dollars.  “Is this all?”

“Yes, I only have that because I was going to buy gas tomorrow.  I never keep cash.  It’s too dangerous!”  Truer words were never spoken.  She usually has to dig in her car to find change for a coke, preferring to bum off whoever she is with.  It’s a wonder she didn’t ask the robbers for money for a coke while she had them there.

“What about your bank card?”

She said she gave him a disgusted look, thinking, “Now, that’s going too far. Eleven dollars is enough!”

They must have realized their business with her was complete, turning to leave.  Before going down the steps, the one who’d helped her into her robe returned for his bat, telling her, “Have a nice day.” As they walked toward the door, she thanked them for not hurting her.

She summed the whole story up for the officers, promising to get in touch if she remembered anything else.  “I don’t think they ever meant to hurt me.  They were both as polite as could be.  I think their mother raised them right.”

I am so glad she did. (to be continued)

15 thoughts on “Vagina, Boobs, and Poop (Part 9)

  1. Oh, this is hilarious! I just read some of these out to my sister. Our mother never did anything like that… that we know of!

    Well, maybe just the one. She locked herself out of her apartment back in the 1950s and a fire truck came to her rescue, with its old-fashioned bell clanging in the breeze. All the neighbours stuck their noses out to see what was going on and she was terribly embarrassed. She said that the young fireman who climbed the extended ladder to her balcony to let her in was very sweet about it.

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  2. Absolutely Amazing story! True life is so, so much more interesting than fictions. And, by the way, your headline was amazing. I had to click on it, moreso because of you ( you own humor on the www) but my ad agency background appreciated your headline. There is a rule in the ad game: you have 3-seconds to grab a readers attention. Then the story better be good enough to keep ’em reading about what you’re offering. I was sold.

    Keep the stories and humor coming, Ibeth1950.

    BTW, thanks for visiting my site and “liking” my post titled “The Bo Dollar Kid.” Really appreciate it.

    Be well.

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  3. What an amazing story. My kid brother and sister were held up in florida when they were teenagers and made to lie down on a sidewalk (the robber had a gun, it was at gunpoint. Whether it was a real gun, I don’t know but I sort of assume it was.) When they told me I was horrified but they didn’t seem to think it was a big deal. Crazy. As for me, I once almost got locked in overnight at Kew Gardens in England.

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