Vagina, Boobs, and Poop (Part 10)

surpriseThis post has nothing to do with Vagina, Boobs, and Poop.  I am doing a post on crazy things my mother has said and done and wanted to see if this garnered interest.  Mother is sensitive about her age and height, so I can’t mention the fact that she is past eighty, and “not tall,” but besides that, has said and done some interesting things.   (Links to part 1-9 below) https://nutsrok.wordpress.com/2015/01/01/vagina-boobs-and-poop-2/ https://nutsrok.wordpress.com/2015/01/01/vagina-boobs-and-poop-2/ https://nutsrok.wordpress.com/2015/01/03/vagina-boobs-and-poop-part-3/ https://nutsrok.wordpress.com/2015/01/04/vagina-boobs-and-poop-part-4/ htthttps://nutsrok.wordpress.com/2015/01/05/vagina-boobs-and poop-part-5/ https://nutsrok.wordpress.com/2015/01/06/vagina-boobs-and-poop-part-6/ http://Nutsrok.wordpress.com/2015/01/07/vagina-boobs-and-poop-part-7

https://nutsrok.wordpress.com/2015/01/07/vagina-boobs-and-poop-part-8/

https://nutsrok.wordpress.com/2015/01/09/vagina-boobs-and-poop-part-9/

http://lindaghill.com/2015/01/01/just-jot-it-january-pingback-post-and-rules/

https://nutsrok.wordpress.com/2014/10/07/sorry-your-highness-my-mothers-a-snob https://nutsrok.wordpress.com/2015/01/02/meet-kathleen-alias-my-mother-on-video/

1.  She left her lights on, ran her car battery down, and asked a nice young police officer to “jack her off.”  She wasn’t arrested.

3.  She once crashed  wedding in cut off blue jeans, sitting in the first row on the bride’s side.  The family was not friendly.

4.  She was once locked in a museum and had to be rescued by the fire department, climbing over the fence on their ladder.

5.  She was locked in Windsor Castle. More on that later.

6. She rolled up a car window up on a camel’s lip.  These things happen.

7.  She made change in the offering plate at church and came out twenty dollars ahead.

8.  She lost her bra at church one Sunday.  She never could explain that!

9,  When two intruders broke in her house, she made one of them help her into her robe before she would talk to them.  She gave them eleven dollars, telling them, “That’s enough!” They thanked her when they left, telling her to “have a nice day.”  She told the police officers later, “They were polite and had been raised right.”  Go figure.

10.  She threatened a rapist.

11. She won’t say “Bull.”  That sounds crude.  She substitutes “male cow.” Don’t tell her I said vagina, boobs, and poop. God knows she tried to raise me right!

#10  She threatened a rapist.  Kathleen, my eighty-year old mother was snatched from sleep at three in the morning by the sound of hysterical screaming and pounding on her front door.  Through the peep hole, she recognized her neighbor, a frail, single mother clutching her toddler and tiny infant, begging to come in.  Mother was horrified to hear of Melinda’s rape at gunpoint, the lives of her tiny children threatened.  Nonetheless, Melissa called the police and an investigation was begun.

The next morning, the neighborhood was in an uproar.  Residents stood in the streets discussing the details and studying the composite drawing.  Mr. and Mrs. Smith and their son Jeremy stood on the edge of the crowd listening intently.  Mother had been meaning to go meet them, so as a friendly neighbor, she pulled them into the conversation.

Of course, the rape was on everybody’s mind, so Mother launched into her rapist defense plan, boasting of the shotgun under her bed and her plan to shoot to kill, not mentioning the rusty shotgun hadn’t been fired in thirty years, and never by her. She didn’t even know if she had shells. She was ready.  Eventually, tiring of the drama, the crowd dispersed and went about business as usual.

About two hours later, Mother was surprised to answer her door to Mr. Smith and Jeremy.  She had liked them well enough, but hadn’t expected them to accept her invitation to coffee so soon. After chatting a bit, Mr. Smith brought up the rape. Mother launched into her plan for the rapist, getting more excited as she continued, embellishing the agony in store for him should he be so foolish as to cross her path.  She wasn’t one of those namby-pambies who feared killing an intruder.  She’d go straight for the heart.  Should there be anything left afterward, she’d empty her gun in him just for fun.  Jeremy, a sullen teenager, rolled his eyes as much as he dared in the company of his father.  He was a little smart aleck, but Mother still thought it was nice of him to come down with his dad to check on her.

Mr. Smith was still very concerned about Mother’s safety despite hearing of her excellent rapist deterrent plan. Inspecting her locks for security, finding scratches on her back door, showing the rapist had tried but failed to gain entry there.  He asked to see her shotgun, and upon inspection, found the safety rusted shut.  When he asked her if she had a pistol, it caught her by surprise.  She had to admit she didn’t.  Mr. Smith pulled an heirloom quality pistol from his jacket, showed Mother how to fire it, had her demonstrate, loaded it and left, Jeremy in tow.  Mother was touched at his concern and generosity, realizing the pistol would be a lot more good to her than the ancient shotgun with no shells, at least theoretically.

A few days rocked by. The Smiths moved.  Little Jenny Whitmore who lived opposite the Smiths recognized Jeremy from the composite photo.  He was arrested, confessed to the rape and sent back to Wisconsin to serve the rest of his suspended sentence on his previous conviction for sexual assault.  Now Mother understood Mr. Smith’s concern for her safety.  Melissa and her babies moved away.

Life settled back down.  Relieved to have this business settled, Mother’s little neighborhood once again felt safe, secure and friendly.  The only fly in the ointment was when Mr. Smith came calling a few weeks later to reclaim Mother’s/his lovely pearl-handled pistol, not so generous after all.  She still feels bad about having to give up that sweet little pistol.  It was cute and old, just like her. (to be continued)

31 thoughts on “Vagina, Boobs, and Poop (Part 10)

  1. lbeth, I sent you an award nomination a little earlier but it never showed up on your board here. So just in case you didn’t get it, the name of the award is the Primio Dardos Award, and you can get the particulars at “Vancouver Visions“.

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  2. Am really enjoying your installments and will be disappointed when they finish! For almost a year I’ve been posting weekly “Things You Didn’t Know About Nana” ostensibly for my grandchildren to read but I feel it’s had its run. You’ve inspired me to start writing about the crazy things my mum did, will have to do a bit of brainstorming first! 🙂

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