You Poor Baby

I had no idea Cousin Carol was four years older than my sister Phyllis till one day when Phyllis was about twelve, Cousin Carol announced she was getting married. It sounded like a joke. Less than two weeks ago she’d spent the night with Phyllis. Sixteen was ridiculously young to get married, but back as late as the nineteen

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Dumb Laws

Dumb California Laws Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses. Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship. Bathhouses are against the law. It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale. Women may not drive in a house coat. No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour. Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants. In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs. Arcadia Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways. Alhambra You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit. Baldwin Park Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool. Belvedere City Council order reads: “No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash.” Blythe You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows. Burlingame It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds. Carmel Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor) Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits. Chico Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine. Downey It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995). Hollywood It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time. Lafayette You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person. Lodi It is illegal to own or sell “Silly String”. Lompoc It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace. Long Beach Cars are the only item allowed in a garage. It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course. Los Angeles It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent. You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time. You may not hunt moths under a street light. It is illegal to cry on the witness stand. Toads may not be licked. It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church. Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison. Zoot suits are prohibited. Ontario Roosters may not crow in the city limits. Pacific Grove Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine. Palm Springs It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM. Pasadena It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss. Prunedale Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house. Redlands Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it. Riverside One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o’clock. San Diego It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar. The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250. San Francisco Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash. It is illegal to wipe one’s car with used underwear. Persons classified as “ugly” may not walk down any street. It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner. San Jose It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595 Santa Monica You may not play percussion instruments on the beach. Temecula Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.

Elementary, My Dear Watson

 

                                           

These are some pictures of my grand dogs.  The sleeping giant in the bathtub is Watson, a five month old Akita.  He has to barred from the bathroom for anyone to have any hope of privacy.  In the second picture, he is with his partner in crime, Hime.(pronounced He-May)  Though he pesters her incessantly, she can’t bear to be separated from him.  You can also see Watson cooling off in his pool and relaxing with his bone.

 

http://river-driftingthroughlife.blogspot.com/

Joke of the Day

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One’s a brunette, one’s a redhead, and one’s a blonde.

Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”

Suddenly the brunette yells, “earthquake!!” Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”

The redhead then screams, “tornado!!” Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . .”

The blonde shouts, “fire!!”

Cookie and Uncle Riley (Part II repost)

repost of older story

Nutsrok

Cookie and Uncle Riley

This is a repost of one of my earlier stories, my mother’s recounting of a trip with eccentric relatives.  My mother, Kathleen Swain did the illustration.

People came and went. The waitress cleared the other tables and pointedly checked on Mother a few times, staring at the uneaten breakfasts and serving her enough coffee refills to float a battleship. She dawdled as long as she dared, hoping her nemeses would come back to retrieve her before the arrest. She occupied her time well, alternating between

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