Poor ol’ Paddy o’Brien was found lying in the meadows out cold, with a broken bronze statuette next to him that had clearly been used to bash his lights out.
The local paper reported the first known case of a knick-knack Paddy whack.
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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller’s name is Patricia Whack.
So, he says, “Mrs. Whack, I’d like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation.” Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says “$30,000.” The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny pink porcelain pig, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she’ll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says: “There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral.”
She holds up the tiny pink pig.
“I mean, what the heck is this?”
The bank manager looks back at her and says,
“It’s a knick knack, Patti Whack.
Give the frog a loan.
His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”
I can’t remember not knowing how to read. Long before I started school I recall sitting under the kitchen asking my mother how to spell words out, then laboriously reading the “”story” back to myself. My older sister played teacher and apparently did quite a good job with teaching reading. We’d pour over the discarded school books my aunt, the school teacher, brought us, delighting in doing the lessons. It was such a surprise to later be assigned some of those same texts in school. I was particularly amused by the first grade primers that incorporated pictures into sentences, such as ,
See the. See the swim! It seemed so ridiculous to think a kid could manage words like “see” and “swim” yet not be able to master “duck.”
Since nobody asked me, I lumbered along with the rest of the class. We were supposed to read aloud to our parents every night. There was no way that was going to happen at our house. I rarely made it home with my book. If I had, my mother would have had to caught me. The minute we got in and had a snack, we watched the last fifteen minutes of cartoons and hit the door, not making it back in till Mother made us come in for supper.
Since I do such a stellar job and my own life is perfection itself, I have decided to make my wisdom available to the masses. I will be happy to address your problems and straighten you out in a minute flat. No charge, whatsoever, for example:
Dear Auntie Linda,
My mother-in-law hates me. We have been living with her for three years since we are both in school and only work part time. Our student loans won’t cover car notes, credit cards, and rent. She keeps saying we could take the bus, but the people on the bus are losers. I don’t want to look like a loser. I think it’s selfish of her to expect us to move out when she’s got this nice, big house all to herself, anyway. Her snide remarks are starting to get to me. What can I say to make her like me?
Dear Sweet Sue, If you really want her to like you, say, “Thanks for all your help, Mom. We sold both our fancy cars and got one economy car, negotiatiated for a lower rate on our credit card and cut it up. We’re each picking up five more hours a week at work and moving into a small apartment close to campus.” She will love you.
Dear Auntie Linda,
My wife is always too tired to have sex and complains constantly about having to do all the housework and take care of the kids. Half the time she doesn’t even get my lunch packed right. Most of the time she’s in sweatpants when I get home. Am I supposed to work forty hours a week and come home to this? What do I do?
Try this! Vacuum! Nothing is sexier than a man holding a baby and vacuuming! And no, you should not be able to get away with just forty hours a week. I guarantee your wife is up before you and still does at least five more things after you say you’re going to bed. Give some thought to making your own lunch. She might just see the error of her ways.
Be sure to send me your problems and I’ll get you fixed right up!
Two women were sitting in the doctor’s waiting room comparing notes on their
“I want a baby more than anything in the world,” said the first, “But I guess it is impossible.”
“I used to feel just the same way,” said the second. “But then everything changed. That’s why I’m here. I’m going to have a baby in three months.”
“You must tell me what you did.”
“I went to a faith healer.”
“But I’ve tried that. My husband and I
went to one for nearly a year and it didn’t help a bit.”
The other woman smiled and whispered, “Try going alone, next time, dearie.”