Baby in a Basket

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My beautiful three-week-old baby started squeaking into wakefulness as I took warm diapers out of the dryer.  I took her out of her bed, cradling her in the basket of warm cotton diapers as I walked toward the front of the house to feed her.  She got comfortable in the warmth and drifted back off. My three year-old called out just at that moment.  The brilliant sunshine pouring in glass door onto my beautiful baby in the basket was a wonder to behold as I looked back.  I got him out of bed, heading back to her.  She was gone!  I panicked!  It was no surprise someone would want her, just that that had managed to snatch her without my hearing something.  The backdoor and the glass door were still locked.  I called her name and got my little guy to help me look.  Just as I was about to report her kidnapping, the diapers moved and she wailed.  She’d moved just enough to allow a diaper to cover her.  That had to be the biggest relief of my life!

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Ask Auntie Linda July, 19, 2015

Dear Auntie Linda,

My mother always compares me to my older sister.  “Betty always takes me out for my birthday.  Betty’s kids were always so well-behaved.  Betty dresses so well.  Betty is sending me on a cruise.  Maybe Mike (Betty’s husband) could find something for Joe (my husband)  to do at his company.”

Betty’s children are grown. Joe is proud of being a firefighter and doesn’t need Mike to get him a better job.  It was nice of Betty to take Mom out for her birthday and give her a cruise.  I made lunch for Mom here because my my toddlers run wild in restaurants and I only had $12 to spend and all she talked about was Betty.  How do I get Mom to quit comparing us.  It really hurts my feelings.  I love Mom but she can be mean.

Second Choice

Dear Second Choice,

I think I am being generous in saying your mother is being insensitive.  I feel sure you have told her comparisons are painful, haven’t you?  If so, don’t expect her to change.  You will only be disappointed.  It is common to be on a limited budget with wild little ones happier at home.  I’ve certainly been there.  A homemade card and a phone call make my day, especially since my children are grown and on budgets.  It’s nice that your sister can indulge your mom, but that shouldn’t make her gift more worthy.  Be good to yourself if Mom can’t manage it.

Auntie Linda

Bubba Has Shingles

Deep fried
Bubba walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him
what he had. Bubba said: ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his name,
address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked Bubba what he
had. Bubba said, ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his height, weight, a
complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba
said, ‘Shingles.’ So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood
pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all
his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in
the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, ‘Shingles.’ The
doctor asked, ‘Where?’ Bubba said, ‘Outside on the truck. Where do you
want me to unload ’em??’

NASA’ s Chicken Gun

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch
standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of
airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling
at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent
incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength
of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager
to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British
engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as
the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof
shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control
console, snapped the engineer’s back-rest in two, and
embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow
shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results
of the experiment, along with the designs of the
windshield and begged the U.S. . scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo —

“Defrost the chicken.” (True Story)

Vagina, Boobs, and Poop (Part 5)

Reblog of #5 in a 12 part series

Nutsrok

surpriseThis post has nothing to do with Vagina, Boobs, and Poop.  I am doing a post on crazy things my mother has said and done and wanted to see if this garnered interest.  Mother is sensitive about her age and height, so I can’t mention the fact that she is past eighty, and “not tall,” but besides that, has said and done some interesting things.   (Links to part 1,2 &3 below)

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