Gipsika’s Jokes

Paddy has had a glass eye for ages. One day, his best friend, who is a neurosurgeon, tells him of a new procedure of transplanting eyes. Paddy is very excited about this; and the wait for a donor begins, but the list is long.

One day Paddy is driving along the winding country road when a red Ferrari zooms past him at breakneck speed. Paddy, a bit unnerved, hits the brakes but recovers quite quickly and continues on his way. Two turns further he comes across the same Ferrari totalled against a tree. He stops and gets out to take a closer look, and realizes the driver is dead.

After recovering from his initial shock, Paddy remembers his friend the surgeon and the procedure. He looks around, but it is Sunday and the road is really deserted, so he quickly takes out his pocket knife, carefully removes the guy’s eye, wraps it in his clean hanky, and for good measure, takes out his glass eye and pops it into the dead man’s eyesocket. Even the shade corresponds – they won’t know. He pockets the live eye and makes off to hospital as fast as he dares to drive, alerting his friend en route.

The neurosurgeon is waiting for him at the door, and he is instantly wheeled in and prepared for theatre. Two hours later he comes too but his eyes have been blindfolded. His friend the doctor informs him that the blindfold will come off the next morning, but that the eye must rest for now.

The next morning comes, and they remove the blindfold. It’s like magic! The eye works! Paddy for the first time in many years enjoys binocular vision. He easily completes the exercises his surgeon friend gives him to test the eye’s functionality, and everything is operational. The doctor tells him that he needs to read something to check if he gets migraines, and hands him that morning’s paper. Paddy browses through it until he finds this headline:

“Police flummoxed. Driver with two glass eyes dies crashing his car.”

 

Little boy goes to school for his first time. The teacher asks the child in front of him: “What’s your name, little girl?”
“Jenny.”
“Welcome, Jenny! And you, little boy?” (the kid on Jenny’s right.)
“Paul.”
“Welcome, Paul! And what about you?”
The little boy answers, “Wagonwheel.”

The teacher is not amused. “You know, if an adult asks you a decent question, you should give a decent answer! Now, what is your name?”
“Wagonwheel,” repeats Wagonwheel bravely.
The teacher is very angry. He gives Wagonwheel a spanking. “See, children, what you get for disrespect?” And he sends Wagonwheel home.

Wagonwheel’s little brother comes running the moment he comes home.
“How was school? How was school?”
Wagonwheel shakes his head sadly.
“Ooh, you’re gonna be in for it, Chickenshit.”

Another Joke

Two tough boys came to stay with their uncle who was going to “straighten them out.  The first night at supper, Uncle Joe asked, “Johnny, what would you like?”

“Gimme some o’ that there G– D— chicken.”

Whomp!  Uncle Joe knocked him up beside the head.

“Now, what do you want, George?”

George looked at him big-eyed. “Well, you can bet your sweet ass I don’t want none o’ that G– D— chicken!”

Ask Auntie Linda July 23, 2015

Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, I am dating a cool guy. The problem is his sister Lulu, who I just can’t stand.  She is very dependent on him, has no social life of her own, and always wants to go everywhere with us since she has no friends of her own.  None of my friends like her.  She is kind of dumpy, doesn’t dress well, and talks about books and school too much.  Steve looks great, but I am embarrassed to be seen with Lulu.  How do I get him to lose her?  Too Cool for Lulu

Dear Too Cool,  I have a great idea.  Ditch them both!  They need you like a hole in the head.  Steve does sound like a great guy.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda  My sister is a moocher.  She lives just around the corner.  She’s always dropping by just as I set my kids down for a meal.  This wouldn’t be a problem except she never takes care of their lunches herself.  I don’t mind feeding them, but it takes time to put more lunches out and clean up after.  She often asks me to pick up milk or fruit at the store, but never gets around to paying for it.  She drops her kids off several times a week and never gets back when she says she will.  It’s exhausting having two extra little ones all afternoon, especially with one in diapers and one potty training.  I’m afraid to let her keep mine because she lets the kids run wild.  What do I do? Used up!

Dear Used.  Tell Sis.  “Here’s the peanut butter.  Fix your kids a sandwich!  Clean that mess up.  I didn’t take you to raise”  About the milk and babysitting, “Nope, can’t do it!” Don’t worry about her feelings.  She hasn’t worried about yours.  Auntie Linda

Joke

bear cartoon

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

True Love

imageJerry and JoEllen had been childhood sweethearts.  He had Cystic Fibrosis but did really well. He and JoEllen drifted apart while he was in college. JoElllen had left an abusive husband and was struggling to raise two toddlers on her own by the time they reconnected.   He was well-established at his engineering firm and anxious to offer JoEllen and her boys a solid life.

Things were going well for them.  They were buying a house and planning a wedding when Jerry became jaundiced.  He was found to be in acute liver failure as a result of his long and complicated medical history.   I met them when it was my privilege to be  his nurse.  JoEllen never left his side if she didn’t have to. They were such a loving couple.  It was heartbreaking to know their future together couldn’t be too long.

When it was obvious Jerry was becoming rapidly worse, they made arrangements to get a marriage license so they could marry before his death.  They were married just a day or so before Jerry died, but not before he was able to make sure JoEllen and “his” boys would be well taken care of.

Vagina, Boobs, and Poop (Part 9)

Reblog Part 9 of a 12 part series!

Nutsrok

surpriseThis post has nothing to do with Vagina, Boobs, and Poop.  I am doing a post on crazy things my mother has said and done and wanted to see if this garnered interest.  Mother is sensitive about her age and height, so I can’t mention the fact that she is past eighty, and “not tall,” but besides that, has said and done some interesting things.   (Links to part 1-8 below)

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Feisty Granny!

Super Granny

  Wouldn’t you love to be this feisty
 

An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, “I have a gun and I know how to use it! 

 

Get out of the car you scumbags!”
The four men didn’t wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5′ tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.
(True story!)