Did you ever travel back in time? I reached for a pair of tongs in a kitchen drawer today and found myself four years old again with my mother standing over me. She was furiously studying a pair of tongs she’d taken from a drawer. “What’s on this on these tongs?” Unwisely, she rubbed the tongs and held her fingers to her nose. “This smells like poop! Did you put my kitchen tongs in poop?”
“I used it to get cat poop out of the baby bed.” She hit the roof. I was only trying to help.
My seven-month old Akita Granddog Watson’s passion for football is starting to cause him some problems. Don’t know if he will ever be able to pass this football, even if he can swallow it.
Two Italian men get on a bus. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”
“You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”
“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ abouta sexa? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spella ‘Mississippi’.”
Okay, Now that Van, from Vanbytheriver has posted about our meeting last week, I have to catch you up. It was so much fun. I sent her a picture, but she swore she’d know me anywhere. I guess she didn’t think there would be that many round ladies in a blue-and-white gingham checked shirt and white knee pants with wild silver hair grinning like a possum and waving like mad on the Septa Platform. Believe it or not, it turns out she was right. I knew her the minute I saw her! She had a smile a mile wide, probably because she was anticipating a serial killer and pleased I didn’t look the part, so if you’re looking for a convincing serial killer disguise, try mine. Turns out, my daughter had warned me that Van might be a serial killer, till I reminded her I’d set up the meeting. Wouldn’t it have been an amazing coincidence if we had both been serial killers stalking each other instead of WordPress bloggers meeting up for the first time? What a premise for a story!
We laughed and swapped stories like we’d grown up together. I feel like she’s my sister, now. We tried on hats in a consignment shop. Van looked adorable in the cute little paper hat with a flower. I looked like a crazed Southern Belle in my white veiled wedding hat. All I needed was a mint julep to complete the picture. You’ve probably already wondered what in the world in was doing in that hat in my Ask Auntie Linda pictures. Well that explains it. I did end up getting a complete set of Roger’s Silver Plate for eight in a lovely case for $42. I just love vintage stuff. I had more fun than I’ve had in such a long time. I wish I could meet all my WordPress friends. If you ever want a meetup, let me know. If you haven’t read Van’s article, please check link above. She is not a serial killer, as far as I know.
Dear Auntie Linda, I have not been able to get pregnant in three years. My husband wants to adopt. I am worried that I will I will get a baby with problems if I adopt. I am concerned about the unstable background it might come from. What do you think? Worried about baby.
Dear Worried, I think either having a baby or adopting is a toss up. Take a good look at your family and your husband’s. Every child has lots of options. not limited to traits you may be admiring it yourself or your husband. We are what we are. Frankly, if anyone, myself included, was looking at making a decision about having children by looking at the prospective parent’s collective gene pool, they’d probably want to think long and hard about it. That being said, I wouldn’t have wanted to miss out. Auntie Linda
Dear Auntie Linda, My husband’s older half-sister, Hazel, has a daughter, Debbie, who is schizophrenic and drug-addicted. Debbie has five children placed in foster homes because she can’t care for them. Hazel and her husband adopted one child, but both are in very poor health and can’t take on any more. Social Services has just contacted Hazel that Debbie has a ten-month old that needs placement and is due to deliver her eighth child any minute Debbie has tested positive for heroin and her parental rights have been terminated due to her consistent drug use and failed parenting interventions with the other children. Hazel is harassing us to adopt the ten-month old and the new baby, because she doesn’t want to lose them to adoption outside the family. Should family not take them, they have a prospective adoptive family waiting for the two of them. Our children are grown. We have no desire to start another family. What do we do? Don’t want to be Mama
Dear Don’t,. You certainly should not take on children if you don’t want to be a mother. Don’t do it. Let them go to a loving home. Auntie Linda
A couple of girls were bicycling through Scotland. As they pedaled through the countryside, they spotted an old man off in a meadow sitting against a tree. It was such a idyllic scene, they decided to walk out and take a picture. They parked their bikes and hiked over to the old Scotsman.
When they got there, he was sound asleep, sawing logs, oblivious to the world.
As they stood there looking at the old man in his tam and kilt, one girl started giggling.
“What is it?” her friend asked.
The first girl said, “Oh, I’ve just always wondered if it’s true that Scotsmen don’t wear anything underneath their kilts.”
Her friend replied, “Well, there may never be a better time to find out.”
So they crept up to the Scotsman, who was snoring loudly, and very carefully lifted up his kilt for a peek underneath. Their curiosity satisfied, they smiled at each other and gently lowered the kilt.
As they stood there, the first girl said, “You know, we’ve invaded this man’s privacy and he doesn’t even know it.”
Her friend said, “So what should we do?”
The first girl said, “I think we should leave him a little memento.”
And with that, she pulled a blue hair ribbon from her hair, lifted up the Scotsman’s kilt, and left the ribbon underneath, then they hiked back to their bicycles and rode away.
Some time later, the old Scotsman started to wake up. He shook the cobwebs from his head and stretched his arms. Then he felt something underneath his kilt. He lifted it up and took a look.. He scratched his chin, lifted up his kilt again, and said, “Well, Ah don’t know where ya been, Laddie, but I’m glad ta see ya won first prize.”