Woman Joke

Wanted to give equal time so I put in a woman Joke

Cats

1) Cats do what they want.

2) They rarely listen to you.

3) They’re totally unpredictable.

4) They whine when they are not happy.

5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.

6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.

8) They’re moody.

9) They leave hair everywhere.

10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They’re tiny little women in cheap fur coats.

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Joke of the Day

A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.

The banker asks, “Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?”

The woman says, “Yes, of course. I’ll use my Rolls Royce.”

The banker, stunned, asks, “A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?”

The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks.

When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.

The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?”

The woman replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

Ask Auntie Linda, August 2, 2015

Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, my husband and I have been married seven years.  He is a loving husband and wonderful father.  He is a good provider.  The only problem is, he will not help at all in the house.  We cannot afford to hire help.  I am exhausted and at my wit’s end.  I am tired of working a full-time job and doing all the housework.  What do I do? Exhausted

Dear Exhausted, I never figured that one out. As soon as Mr. Helpful gets in from work on Friday,  try reasoning with him. When that blows up in your face, try crying, shaming, begging, pleading, and withholding sex. You’ll have a wonderful weekend, and maybe makeup sex late Sunday. Seriously,  If he hasn’t helped in seven years, he isn’t going to.  The ball is in your court,  You’ll probably have to decide if you want to keep doing all the housework by yourself or if you want to raise the kids by yourself while trying to collect child support and wrangle for custody as you continue to do all the housework, mowing, car maintenence, and all the other things he’s doing right now that you really aren’t aware of.  My hubby and I have been married forty-five years.  I’m still doing all the housework, unfortunately.  I do have to admit, he did all the mowing, maintained the vehicles, managed all the bills, did the taxes, and got the kids off to school.  I think it really averaged out.  He helped with math and science homework and I helped with English and the rest. I think either one of us would have had a rough time alone.  Good luck!

Dear Auntie Linda,  When we spent the night  at my mother-law’s house last month, I left my new nightgown and earrings lying on the bed when I left.  I called back and asked her to save them for me.  She said she never saw them.  The next time I visited, my mother-in-law was wearing my nightgown and my sister-in-law was wearing my earrings.  I had made the gown and earrings myself, so there was no mistake that they were mine.  I let it go, since it would have been very awkward for my husband, but iit left me feeling very weird.  i didn’t mention it to my husband.  How do I handle this?  Big surprise at MIL’s House

Dear Big Surprise, I think you handled it with dignity.  It was kind of you not to mention it to your husband.  I can’t think of any way getting those items back would have gone well for any of you.  I’ll bet you’ll be a lot happier without them and that husband could tell you some stories.  Bet nobody will have to remind you to lock your suitcase next time.

Dear Auntie Linda, Several of my retired neighbors meet every morning on our patios for coffee.  It’s very congenial most of the time, except for one lady who sometimes goes off  on a tangent.  She gets excited and tells us about who she “told off” and tries to drag the rest of us into the situation.  Her focus can be the mail carrier, the water meter reader, or one of the neighbors.  None of us has. a dog in her fight and nobody wants to hear her complaints or get involved.  What is the best way to handle it?  Not Nosy

Dear Not Nosy,  It takes more than one to be involved.  Make a point to be “deaf..”  My husband frequently accuses me of mumbling.  Maybe she mumbles, too.  Ask Joe Jones across the table to pass the cream.  Tell Betty you need just a little more coffee.  If no one responds, she probably give up for the moment.  Repeat as needed.  And don’t get your hearing tested!  Sounds like it’s perfect to me!  Auntie Linda