Are You Healthy Enough for…You Know?

blReblog of an older post

Nutsrok

motherAnother story about my mother, who at eighty plus is always up for a laugh. We recently visited her cardiologist for a routine checkup. She’s been seeing him for years. Noticing a few gray hairs, she studied him seriously. “Can you recommend a good cardiologist?”

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Cat That Chewed Your Two Shoes

Roy Rogers bought himself a new pair of boots.  They were a little tight, so he rubbed them up with snake oil to soften them up a little.  They smelled so bad, Dale wouldn’t have them in the house.  Roy put them out on the back porch overnight to air out a little.  The next morning when he went out to get them, he found them all chewed up and ripped to shreds.  Then he noticed mountain lion tracks all around the place.  He went back in the house to get his gun and vowed not to come back without the mountain lion that had ruined his new boots.  In a few hours he came back home with the mountain lion draped over Trigger’s back behind him.  Dale saw him coming up with the lion hanging over his horse and starting singing, “Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your two shoes?”

Dear Auntie Linda, August 4, 2015

Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, I betrayed a friend’s confidence and caused her to lose her job.  I feel horrible about it.  What do I do?  Feel like a rat.

Dear Rat, I am sure you do.  Why did you betray the confidence?  Was it necessary?  Did it relate to job performance or a moral or ethical issue related to work?  If it wasn’t necessary and you just divulged something unnecessarily, it’s not too likely you’ll salvage the friendship, but an apology might be in order.

Dear Auntie Linda,  I bought a jacket at a church thrift shop and found a diamond bracelet in the pocket.  I appraises for twelve thousand dollars.  Should I report the find to the gift shop.?  Lucky

Dear Lucky, I think it’s very likely that bracelet was accidently left in the jacket pocket.  You should report finding a bracelet to the thrift shop and leave your contact info, but I wouldn’t leave the bracelet or volunteer too much info.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, My friend’s husband is seeing another woman.  Should I tell her?  Know something

Dear Know, Not unless you are the other woman and you’re wearing your running shoes.  You could be wrong or she might already know. Auntie Linda

Joke of the Day

How to tell where a driver is from:

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone,brick on accelerator:
California

With gun in lap:
L.A..

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat:
Italy

One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game:
Seattle

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window:
Texas city male

One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road:
Texas country male

One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment:
Texas female

Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another’s car:
Colorado

One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn’t hit other motorists so as not to litter:
Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.

Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna:
West Virginia male.

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on:
Florida “seasoned citizen” driver, also known as “no-see-um”