|A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, “What’s this, Paw?”
The father responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don’t know what it is!”
While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.
The father turned to his son and said, “Go get your maw!”
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her; Do you know him?
Yes, she sighed; He’s my old boyfriend !
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.’
My God, I said; who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?
Then the fight started !?
The commanding officer of a regiment in the U. S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his staff, battalion and company commanders. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was ‘work’ and how much of it was ‘pleasure?’ The regimental executive officer chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work. A captain said it was 50-50%. The colonel’s aide responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time. There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, ‘Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.’ The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why? ‘Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them too.’
Dear Auntie Linda, I married Lucy more than forty years ago when I first got out of service. Her told me her parents were dead; she had no other family. It’s not been a happy marriage, but we’ve managed to stay together and raise our family. She’s never been close to me or the children. One Sunday afternoon, about two weeks ago, a woman knocked on the door. She was Lucy’s daughter from a previous marriage, a marriage Lucy never bothered to mention. It turns out, Lucy had three children from that marriage. She’d walked out on them and her husband, marrying me without benefit of divorce. The man since divorced Lucy. Now, it seems, Lucy and I are not married, nor are our children legitimate. They are furious. What do I do? Surprised and Angry
Dear Surprised, Talk to a lawyer. At least you will know where you stand. Spend some time deciding what you want. Looks like Lucy might have pooped in her mess kit.
Dear Auntie Linda, I am a thirty-one-year-old mother of five. I married a man from my church when I was seventeen. I wanted to marry him, but I wasn’t allowed to see anyone outside my church. I was home-schooled, which means I did a little school work sometimes while I took care of my eight younger brothers and sisters, cooked, sewed, cleaned, worked in the garden, and helped my mother with the ironing and sewing she took in to help ends meet. I need to get out of my marriage. Though you’d never believe to see him in church, my husband cheats, is hateful to me and the kids, and doesn’t support us. I have no where to turn. My parents and church believe the wife must be submissive to the husband. There is no way I can support my children. I have no education or skills. What do I do? Hopeless
Dear Hopeless, If you left your husband, you could apply for welfare benefits and get loans and grants for education. There are other benefits you could apply for. It is always possible there are shelters in your area. There may be income assisted apartments you could qualify for. Good luck. Auntie Linda
Dear Auntie Linda, My wife keeps taking money out of the household budget to buy plants for the yard. She doesn’t care if the children have milk. What do I do? Desperate
Dear Desperate, The woman sounds like a saint! Get a second job. Milk is overrated. Auntie Linda
Hilarious. Reblogged from Oyia Brown
Will you please state your age?
I am 94 years old.
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Did you know him?
No, but he sure was friendly.
What happened after he sat down?
He started to rub my thigh.
Did you stop him?
No, I didn’t stop him.
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my David died some 30 years ago.
What happened next?
He began to rub all over my body.
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I went to school with a plain looking girl who had three breasts. Two in front and an extra one in the middle of her back. She wasn’t much to look at but sure was fun to dance with.
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian.
He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some “Nair” hair remover and rub it in the dog’s ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets some “Nair” hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, “If you’re going to use this under your arms don’t use deodorant for a few days.”
The lady says: “I’m not using it under my arms.”
The druggist says: “If you’re using it on your legs don’t shave for a couple of days.”
The lady says: “I’m not using it on my legs either.
If you must know, I’m using it on my schnauzer.”
The druggist says: “Stay off your bicycle for a week.”
Mickey and Minnie were in divorce court. The judge says “So Mr. Mouse, if I understand your testimony, you claim that your wife is mentally deranged. Is that correct?” Mickey says, “No your honor, I said she was f*&%ing Goofy!”