Joke of the Day

What time does the bar open?
At 3 AM a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.

“It opens at noon” answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.

“What time does the bar open?” he asks.

“Same time as before… Noon.” replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered “Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?”

The clerk then answers, “It opens at noon, but if you can’t wait, I can have room service send something up to you.”

“No… I don’t wanna git in… Ah wanna git OUT!!!”

The Golden Toilet
There was this guy, let’s call him bob. One night Bob went to about 5 bars, and he drank, like, 17 beers.

After he was done with that, like any normally functioning person, he really had to go. So he asked the bartender where the bathroom was, and he went to where he thought it was.

Later that night, Bob was laying in bed trying to go to sleep, and he was thought, “wait a minute.. there was a golden toilet!!” Right then he got up and went out to find the special toilet. He had hit 5 bars that night, so he went to the first one, asked where the bathroom was, when he went and looked, there was no golden toilet.

This continued until he got to the last bar, he was really tired by then, and rather then going to look for the toilet himself, he asked the bartender, “do you by any chance have a golden toilet here?” and the bartender said to another person that was there, “hey! I think I found the guy who crapped in the tuba!!!”

BAR TROUBLESHOOTING CHART
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to gent’s room, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training. Demand beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

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Potty Mouth

 

imageYears ago Bud and I went to a car dealership.  For once, we had to wait awhile for a sales person.  Nearby, another couple was also waiting and naturally, we started talking.  After a few minutes, I misspoke, embarrassing myself thoroughly by announcing loud and clear, for all who cared to listen, ” I’m tired of standing here waiting.  I think I’ll just sh__t on the bumper”. Of course I’d meant to say “sit.”  Bud and the other couple stared, then they walked off.  I wanted to run after them explaining, but gave it up as hopeless.  God only knows what I might have said once I was rattled.

Evening Chuckle

Singing Frog
A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: “No way. I don’t think you can pay for it.”

The guy says, “You’re right. I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me a drink?”

The bartender says, “Only if what you show me ain’t risque.”

“Deal!” says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, “You’re right. I’ve never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano.” The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

“Money or another miracle else no drink”, says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says “It’s a deal.” He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy “Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy.”

“Not so”, says the guy. “The hamster is also a ventriloquist.”

Signs that you may be a drunk!
*** Signs that you “just might” have a drinking problem. ***

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Your job is interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?? I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth … now THAT’S a drinking problem!
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
Every woman you see has an exact twin.
You fall off the floor.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger — forget dinner!
The glass keeps missing your mouth.
Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
Mosquitoes catch a buzz* after biting you.
The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in.
“Hi ocifer. I’m not under the affluence of incohol.”
You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.
“BeerTender! Get me another Bar!”

Ask Auntie Linda, September 26, 2015

Auntie LindaDear Auntie LInda,  Before my husband had radiation for his stem-cell transplant.we banked his sperm so we could have children.  I had in vitro fertilization but sadly, he became septic and died just days later.  Mike’s twin brother, John and I turned to each other in our grief, and had sex.  I had twins, but don’t know who the father is.  The babies and I will draw social security.  I desperately want the babies to be Mike’s, not just for the money, but because I loved him and wanted his children.  This is my dilemma, John and I have stayed close and plan to marry soon and have children.  He wants me to have in vitro again with Mike’s sperm again before we marry so that that child could have social security benefits as well as the other children.  We are currently living together, so should I do this, the child could belong to either brother.  Could I get in trouble for this?  Thinking About It.

Dear Thinking,  I have no idea whether or not you would get in legal trouble unless you drew attention to yourselves by going on a talk show, but I can see big trouble in your future.  First of all, children may have a medical need for a DNA results, just as your husband did before he had his stem-cell transplant.  Certainly the truth will out then. The fact that John would be want to initiate such a deception says a lot about him.  This is dishonest situation that is very likely to cause tremendous pain for all involved down the road.  What value do you place on your ethics and honesty, not to mention your children’s feelings?  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  I am a nurse on an oncology unit at a teaching hospital.  We recently had a young twenty-one-year old man on our unit who needed total body radiation.  He, his fiancé, and family were devastated as much by the fact that he would be left sterile as a result, as they were about his health concerns, since they focused on his good prognosis. He had no benefits or funds to cover his medical care, not to mention sperm-banking.  It was not a great deal of money, so when one of the nurses on the unit heard his concerns, we collected money to cover the cost for five years.  This is not a question but an observation.  Of all the men who worked on the unit, not one donation came from a man.  When I mentioned it to my nursing manager, a man, he laughed and blew it off, saying, “I’m not donating to that.” showing a tremendous lack of compassion.  I was disappointed. I’ve wondered about this a lot since then.  Disappointed

Early Thanksgiving

turkeyA week ago, I put four hundred twelve pounds of fresh beef in my freezer.  Two days ago we made sixteen pounds of homemade liverwurst and put it in the freezer.  Last week I froze quite a bit of fresh sweet corn.  In the midst of all this, I canned seven quarts of dried pinto beans and ham hocks.  Things were going so well, I was planned to start making a big batch of corned beef.  I was admiring the contents of my pantry when Bud came through saying, “What’s this big puddle of water coming from the freezer?”

We rushed out to inspect and found the packed freezer dead with the contents starting to thaw.  We shuffled the meat to my other freezer and ice chests.  Mean while, Bud starting investigating the freezer problem while I started canning and cooking.  By the end of the day, thank goodness, Bud had the freezer running again and I had canned all the thawed vegetables.  In addition to that, I had made pies  from my frozen pumpkin pie filling and frozen pie dough.  You might find a previous post on that subject.  https://nutsrok.wordpress.com/2015/08/20/fifty-two-pies-2/

At the end of the day, everything was saved, and we sat down to a turkey dinner with fresh pumpkin pie.  I am so grateful for the bounty and the freezer that kicked back off and saved us.

Joke of the Day

The old man was a witness in a burglary trial.

The defense lawyer asks Sam, “Did you see my client commit this burglary?”

“Yes,” said Sam, “I saw him plainly take the goods.”

The lawyer asks Sam again, “Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?”

“Yes,” says Sam, “I saw him do it.”


Then the lawyer asks Sam, “Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?”

Sam says, “I can see the moon, how far is that?”

A lawyer is talking to his client. He says, “I have some good news, and I have some bad news.”

The client says, “I could use some good news. What is it?”

“You ex-wife is not making you pay on further inheritance.”

“Great! Now what’s the bad news?”


“Well, uh… she’s marrying your father.” –

At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge.

The judge said, “State your name, occupation, and the charge.”

The defendant said, “I’m Sparks, I’m an electrician, charged with battery.”

The judge winced and said, “Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!”