Okay, so a Texan rancher comes upon a farmer from Maine. The Texan looks at the Mainer and asks, “Say, how much land you think you got here?” Mainer: ‘Bout 10 acres I’d say.” Texan (boasting): Well, on my lot, it takes me all day to drive completely around my property!” Mainer: “Yep, I got one of them trucks too.”
A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor.
After he was back on dry ground he said to the farmer, “At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day.”
“Can’t”, replied the farmer. “At night I haul water for the hole.”
A man’s car stalled on a country road. When he got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. “Your trouble is probably in the carburetor,” said the cow.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. He told the farmer his story.
“Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?” asked the farmer.
“Yes, yes,” the man replied.
“Oh! I would not listen to Bessie,” said the farmer. “She does not know anything about cars.”
Sandy McTavish had an old friend, Jock Murdock, who was quite ill. Sandy came to visit and Jock said, “Sandy, I’ve only a short time to live, I’m on my death bed lad.” Sandy knew that and in a non-committal way he said, “Aye, that a’ know old friend.” Jock turned to Sandy and said, “Sandy, de ye nay ken that old bottle of Scotch that I hae been saving ah these years.” Sandy, an aficionado, was immediately attentive and said, “Aye Jock, that I do.” Jock said, “ye are guid friend and when I’ve passed I would have yee pour that Scotch on ma grave.” Sandy was profoundly moved for his own reasons. After considering Jocks request for an agonizing period he brightened, turned to Jock. “Aye- aye Jock I’ll de that for an old friend, but ye wouldna mind if I put it through my kidneys first.”