Evening Chuckle

Brian walked into work and saw his coworker looking particularly sour. “Hey what’s wrong buddy?” His friend looked up with a forlorn expression on his face. “You remember last month how my Grandmother’s sister passed on and left me $2,000?”

“Yes,” said Brian nodding his head.

“And you remember how the month before that her brother passed on and left me $5000?

“Uh huh” said Brian again.

“Well this month is almost over,” said the coworker with a wave of his hand “and………………..NOTHING!”

Bobby was sitting on the porch talking to his Grandpa when he innocently asked, “Grandpa, do you know how to make animal sounds?”

“I sure do” Grandpa replied. “What sort of animal sound would you like to hear?”

“How about a toad? Do you know how to sound like a toad?”

“Sure”, said Grandpa, cupping his hand to his mouth, “croaaak croaaak, how did you like that?!”

“Yipee!” screamed Bobby jumping up and down, “We are going to Miami!”

“Huh?” Questioned Grandpa. “Why’s that?”

“Because Grandma said so,” Bobby patiently explained, “she said that after you croak we’ll all go to Miami!”

Jim grabbed his suitcase off the luggage carousel and headed outside to hail a taxi. A taxi promptly picked him up and they were on there way. Twenty minutes into the ride Jim had a question for the taxi driver, “Excuse me sir” said Jim tapping the driver on the shoulder. “AHHHH
HHH” screamed the taxi driver swerving the taxi across three lanes of traffic finally stopping the car on the opposite shoulder. “What the heck was that all about?” demanded Jim thoroughly shaken. “I’m sorry,” said the taxi driver, wiping his brow, “this is my first day on the job, I’ve been driving a hearse for the last fifty years!”

Afternoon Funny

cannibal cartoon sThe cannibal king was having dinner when a servant came running in. “Your Majesty,” he said, “the slaves are revolting!” “You don’t have to tell me,” said the king. “I’m trying to eat them. “Where did we get these slaves anyway?” “From the country next door,” replied the servant. “We must get a new butcher,” said the king. “Bring me Delia Smith.” “We can’t, Your Majesty, she’s still cooking for you.” “Well, bring her to me once she’s crispy enough,” said the king.

A man is captured by cannibals, every day they poke him with spears and use his blood to wash down their food.Finally the guy calls the chief over and says, “Hey, you can kill me or you can eat me, but I’m tired of getting stuck for drinks!”

Cannibals cooking clowns - 'I don't know... it tastes funny!'

Cannibals cooking clowns – ‘I don’t know… it tastes funny!’

Two cannibals were having their dinner. One said to the other, ‘I don’t like your friend.’ The other one replied, ‘Well put her to one side and just eat the greens.’

'Sorry, but it's hard to get good people these days.'

Two cannibals were having lunch. ‘Your girlfriend makes a great soup,’ said one to the other. ‘Yes!’ agreed the first. ‘But, I’m going to miss her terribly.’

Ask Auntie Linda, October 1, 2015

Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, I am seventy-four years old, and a widow of moderate means.  My only child, a daughter is an English Professor at a well-known university in California.  She is divorced with three children.  Her ex-husband is wealthy, but will only pay the legally required child-support.  She makes a good income, but is constantly in need of money for any extras the children require, like private school, or summer camp.  She has a lovely home (for which I gave her the down payment) and has invited me to move out and live with them, but I don’t want to be a live-in nanny.  She and the children visit for a couple of weeks twice a year now and by the time they leave, I am exhausted from babysitting since she goes out with friends most afternoons and doesn’t usually get home till after midnight.  The children are lovely, but they wear me out.  I give her ten-thousand dollars a year now since she will inherit everything I have someday anyway, but I am starting to worry that I will run out of money if I live more than fifteen more years.  I feel bad telling her “no” since she is my only heir.  How do I make her understand I am worried about my finances without offending her?  The Bank

Dear Bank, You are helping your daughter live a very cushy lifestyle.  If you never gave her another penny, you have been extremely generous.  Feel free to give her what you choose and draw the line where you need to.  She probably thinks you have money to burn.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, My siblings and I were raised the same. Of the seven of us, only two are law-abiding citizens.  The other five are drug and alcohol-addicted and frequently incarcerated.  Though I care about them, I have chosen to have no association with them, due to being victimized time after time.  One brother and I stay in touch, and avoid the rest like the plague.  We each moved out of state to build lives where we weren’t known, at the first opportunity, cutting ties with everyone but each other.  A sister has reached out to me now, though I don’t know how she got my number, wanting me to “take me in and help me get a new start.”  I don’t want to see her and can’t afford to help her unless I take her in which I am not willing to do.  Is this a horrible thing to do?  Burned

Dear Burned,  No.  People who want to change their ways and rebuild their lives can find a way to do it.  “Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me!”

Joke of the Day

Heaven’s Entrance Exam

A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the
Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, “Here’s how it works. You need 100 points
to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you’ve done, and I
give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good
it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in.”

“Okay,” the man says, “I was married to the same woman for 50 years
and never cheated on her, even in my heart.”

“That’s wonderful,” says St. Peter, “that’s worth three points!”

“Three points?” he says. “Well, I attended church all my life and supported
its ministry with my tithe and service.”

“Terrific!” says St. Peter. “That’s certainly worth a point.”

“One point?!!” “I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter
for homeless veterans.”

“Fantastic, that’s good for two more points,” he says.

“Two points!?!!” Exasperated, the man cries. “At this rate
the only way I’ll get into heaven is by the grace of God.”

“Bingo, 100 points! Come on in!”


 

Gorgeous

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck,
and everyone inside dies.

They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they
have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before
they enter Paradise.

They’re all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. “I
want to be gorgeous,” and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says “I want to be gorgeous too.”

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line,
the last guy in line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor,
laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy calms down and says……

“Make ’em all ugly again”

The Good Deed

A guy just died and he’s at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted,
while St. Peter is leafin’ through this Big Book to see if the guy is
worthy.

St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his brow and says
to the guy, ‘You know, I can’t see that you ever did anything really bad
in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can
point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED– you’re in.’

The guy thinks for a moment and says, ‘Yeah, there was this one time
when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of thugs
assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on
and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of ’em harassing this
terrified young woman. Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire
iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a huge
guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to
his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the thugs formed a circle around
me. So, I ripped the leader’s chain off his face and smashed him over
the head with the tire iron. Layed him out. Then I turned and yelled at
the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You’re all a
bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a
lesson in pain!”

St. Peter, impressed, says, ‘Really? When did this happen?’
“Oh, about two minutes ago.”

How Do You Spell…?

A woman died and found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being
greeted by St. Peter. She asked him, “Oh, is this place what I really think it
is? It’s so beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?”

To which St. Peter replied, “Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven.
But you must do one more thing before you can enter.”

The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do
to pass through the gates.

“Spell a word,” St. Peter replied.

“What word?” she asked.

“Any word,” answered St. Peter. “It’s your choice.”

The woman promptly replied, “Then the word I will spell is love.
L-o-v-e.”

St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven,
and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few
minutes while he went to the bathroom. “I’d be honored,” she said, “but
what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?” St. Peter
reassured her, and instructed the woman simply have any newcomers
to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.

So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter’s chair and watching the beautiful
angels soaring around her, when lo and behold, a man approaches the
gates, and she realizes it is her husband.

“What happened?” she cried, “Why are you here?”

Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, “I was so upset when I
left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make
it to Heaven?”

To which the woman replied, “Not yet. You must spell a word
first.”

“What word?” he asked.

The woman responded, “Czechoslovakia.”


15 Dog Breeds That Didn’t Catch On

ugly dog 

Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that’s true to the end
*
Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
*
Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier
Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
*
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
*
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog
*
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
*
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
*
Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
*
Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
*
Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
*
Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by…oh, well, it doesn’t matter anyway
*
Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work with you
*
Bloodhound + Borzoi
Bloody Bore, a dog that’s not much fun
*
Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
*
Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport