Oh, to have the wisdom to fill
my wings at the precipice
fearlessly taking the leap,
trusting I will soar!
Brian walked into work and saw his coworker looking particularly sour. “Hey what’s wrong buddy?” His friend looked up with a forlorn expression on his face. “You remember last month how my Grandmother’s sister passed on and left me $2,000?”
“Yes,” said Brian nodding his head.
“And you remember how the month before that her brother passed on and left me $5000?
“Uh huh” said Brian again.
“Well this month is almost over,” said the coworker with a wave of his hand “and………………..NOTHING!”
Bobby was sitting on the porch talking to his Grandpa when he innocently asked, “Grandpa, do you know how to make animal sounds?”
“I sure do” Grandpa replied. “What sort of animal sound would you like to hear?”
“How about a toad? Do you know how to sound like a toad?”
“Sure”, said Grandpa, cupping his hand to his mouth, “croaaak croaaak, how did you like that?!”
“Yipee!” screamed Bobby jumping up and down, “We are going to Miami!”
“Huh?” Questioned Grandpa. “Why’s that?”
“Because Grandma said so,” Bobby patiently explained, “she said that after you croak we’ll all go to Miami!”
Jim grabbed his suitcase off the luggage carousel and headed outside to hail a taxi. A taxi promptly picked him up and they were on there way. Twenty minutes into the ride Jim had a question for the taxi driver, “Excuse me sir” said Jim tapping the driver on the shoulder. “AHHHH
HHH” screamed the taxi driver swerving the taxi across three lanes of traffic finally stopping the car on the opposite shoulder. “What the heck was that all about?” demanded Jim thoroughly shaken. “I’m sorry,” said the taxi driver, wiping his brow, “this is my first day on the job, I’ve been driving a hearse for the last fifty years!”
The cannibal king was having dinner when a servant came running in. “Your Majesty,” he said, “the slaves are revolting!” “You don’t have to tell me,” said the king. “I’m trying to eat them. “Where did we get these slaves anyway?” “From the country next door,” replied the servant. “We must get a new butcher,” said the king. “Bring me Delia Smith.” “We can’t, Your Majesty, she’s still cooking for you.” “Well, bring her to me once she’s crispy enough,” said the king.
Dear Auntie Linda, I am seventy-four years old, and a widow of moderate means. My only child, a daughter is an English Professor at a well-known university in California. She is divorced with three children. Her ex-husband is wealthy, but will only pay the legally required child-support. She makes a good income, but is constantly in need of money for any extras the children require, like private school, or summer camp. She has a lovely home (for which I gave her the down payment) and has invited me to move out and live with them, but I don’t want to be a live-in nanny. She and the children visit for a couple of weeks twice a year now and by the time they leave, I am exhausted from babysitting since she goes out with friends most afternoons and doesn’t usually get home till after midnight. The children are lovely, but they wear me out. I give her ten-thousand dollars a year now since she will inherit everything I have someday anyway, but I am starting to worry that I will run out of money if I live more than fifteen more years. I feel bad telling her “no” since she is my only heir. How do I make her understand I am worried about my finances without offending her? The Bank
Dear Bank, You are helping your daughter live a very cushy lifestyle. If you never gave her another penny, you have been extremely generous. Feel free to give her what you choose and draw the line where you need to. She probably thinks you have money to burn. Auntie Linda
Dear Auntie Linda, My siblings and I were raised the same. Of the seven of us, only two are law-abiding citizens. The other five are drug and alcohol-addicted and frequently incarcerated. Though I care about them, I have chosen to have no association with them, due to being victimized time after time. One brother and I stay in touch, and avoid the rest like the plague. We each moved out of state to build lives where we weren’t known, at the first opportunity, cutting ties with everyone but each other. A sister has reached out to me now, though I don’t know how she got my number, wanting me to “take me in and help me get a new start.” I don’t want to see her and can’t afford to help her unless I take her in which I am not willing to do. Is this a horrible thing to do? Burned
Dear Burned, No. People who want to change their ways and rebuild their lives can find a way to do it. “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me!”
A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck,
They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they
They’re all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. “I
The second one in line hears this and says “I want to be gorgeous too.”
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line,
When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor,
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy calms down and says……
“Make ’em all ugly again”
The Good Deed
A guy just died and he’s at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted,
St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his brow and says
The guy thinks for a moment and says, ‘Yeah, there was this one time
St. Peter, impressed, says, ‘Really? When did this happen?’
How Do You Spell…?
A woman died and found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being
St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven,
To which the woman replied, “Not yet. You must spell a word
“What word?” he asked.
Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that’s true to the end
Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier
Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by…oh, well, it doesn’t matter anyway
Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work with you
Bloodhound + Borzoi
Bloody Bore, a dog that’s not much fun
Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
Vashti Quiroz-Vega, Author, Horror, Fantasy, Sci-fi, Short Stories & Articles
words, glorious words...
Retired, not expired: words from the after(work)life - with occasional music
Fishing - hunting and all countryside arts and crafts
--- ALOZADE a. the artist Show you these artistic creations and ideas. Especially in digital painting. ---- L'artiste ALOZADE a. vous propose ces créations et ses idées artistiques. Surtout en peinture digitale.
Relationships reveal our hearts.
There are three ways to ultimate success: The first way is to be kind. The second way is to be kind. The third way is to be kind. - Mr. Fred Rogers
The humor and humanity of storytelling.