A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the
Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, “Here’s how it works. You need 100 points
to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you’ve done, and I
give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good
it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in.”
“Okay,” the man says, “I was married to the same woman for 50 years
and never cheated on her, even in my heart.”
“That’s wonderful,” says St. Peter, “that’s worth three points!”
“Three points?” he says. “Well, I attended church all my life and supported
its ministry with my tithe and service.”
“Terrific!” says St. Peter. “That’s certainly worth a point.”
“One point?!!” “I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter
for homeless veterans.”
“Fantastic, that’s good for two more points,” he says.
“Two points!?!!” Exasperated, the man cries. “At this rate
the only way I’ll get into heaven is by the grace of God.”
“Bingo, 100 points! Come on in!”
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck,
and everyone inside dies.
They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they
have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before
they enter Paradise.
They’re all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. “I
want to be gorgeous,” and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says “I want to be gorgeous too.”
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line,
the last guy in line starts laughing.
When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor,
laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy calms down and says……
“Make ’em all ugly again”
The Good Deed
A guy just died and he’s at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted,
while St. Peter is leafin’ through this Big Book to see if the guy is
St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his brow and says
to the guy, ‘You know, I can’t see that you ever did anything really bad
in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can
point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED– you’re in.’
The guy thinks for a moment and says, ‘Yeah, there was this one time
when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of thugs
assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on
and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of ’em harassing this
terrified young woman. Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire
iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a huge
guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to
his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the thugs formed a circle around
me. So, I ripped the leader’s chain off his face and smashed him over
the head with the tire iron. Layed him out. Then I turned and yelled at
the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You’re all a
bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a
lesson in pain!”
St. Peter, impressed, says, ‘Really? When did this happen?’
“Oh, about two minutes ago.”
How Do You Spell…?
A woman died and found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being
greeted by St. Peter. She asked him, “Oh, is this place what I really think it
is? It’s so beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?”
To which St. Peter replied, “Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven.
But you must do one more thing before you can enter.”
The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do
to pass through the gates.
“Spell a word,” St. Peter replied.
“What word?” she asked.
“Any word,” answered St. Peter. “It’s your choice.”
The woman promptly replied, “Then the word I will spell is love.
St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven,
and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few
minutes while he went to the bathroom. “I’d be honored,” she said, “but
what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?” St. Peter
reassured her, and instructed the woman simply have any newcomers
to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.
So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter’s chair and watching the beautiful
angels soaring around her, when lo and behold, a man approaches the
gates, and she realizes it is her husband.
“What happened?” she cried, “Why are you here?”
Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, “I was so upset when I
left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make
it to Heaven?”
To which the woman replied, “Not yet. You must spell a word
“What word?” he asked.
The woman responded, “Czechoslovakia.”