Afternoon Funny

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, “Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that.”

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. “I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn’t care.” The second Englishman remarked, “You just don’t know how to set him off…watch and learn.” So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, “Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!”

“Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that.”

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. “You’re right. He’s unshakable!”

The third Englishman remarked, “Boys, I’ll really tick him off… just watch.” So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, “I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!”

“Yeah, that’s what your buddies were trying to tell me.”

pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks down and says “You know that you have a steering wheel in your pants”
The pirate replies “Ay, it’s drivin’ me nuts”


What does a drunk walrus have in common with a woman at a Tupperware party?

A: They’re both out looking for a tight seal.


At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself.

The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, “Midnight, just like I said.”

She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, “Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said ‘Shit!,’ cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling.”


An Irishman named O’Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.

The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O’Malley in the eye, and said, “I’ve some bad news for you.
You have cancer, and it can’t be cured. I’d give you two weeks to a month to live.”

O’Malley was shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character. He managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor’s office into the waiting room. There, he saw his son who had been waiting. O’Malley said, “Well son, we Irish
celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t so well. I have cancer,  and I’ve been given a short time to live. Let’s head for the pub and have a few pints.”

After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O’Malley’s old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. O’Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told
his friends, “I’ve only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS.”

The friends gave O’Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, O’Malley’s son leaned over and whispered his confusion. “Dad. I though you said that you were dying from cancer??? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!”

O’Malley said, “I am dying of cancer, son. I just don’t want any of them sleeping with your mother after I’m gone.”

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