Dear Auntie Linda, October 5, 2015

Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  My sister and I have noticed some changes in my mother that make us suspect early dementia, but she is still able to live in her own home.  The problem is my brother.  He is an alcoholic and has convinced Mother to turn her car and finances over to him.  Mother is losing weight and becoming unkempt.  I have tried to take her to the doctor, but my brother interferes.  He says she is fine and she goes along with him.  I don’t think she is incompetent, but she definitely needs someone to look out for her.  She is becoming more isolated. My brother is starting to make excuses why my sister and I can’t come over.  What do we do?  Mama’s Girls

Dear Girls, If you suspect your mother is being neglected or abused, notify her doctor or adult protection for investigation.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, My husband and I have four kids who excel in school.  We are very proud of them, but there is no way we can help them go to college.  We struggle to put food on the table and a roof over our heads.  The older two work part-time now to buy their clothes and cover their expenses for school.  I wish we could do more, but we are strapped.  How will our kids manage?  Broke

Dear Broke, It sounds like you are doing a lot right if your kids excel in school and help pay their own way.  Encourage them to be active in seeking scholarships.  Their industry can pay off there.  They can work and get loans.  It would be wonderful if everyone had the money to finance a college education, but it is not impossible to manage on their own.  Auntie Linda

How To Impress a Woman/Man

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

Compliment her,
respect her,
honor her,
cuddle her,
kiss her, caress her,
love her, stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
hold her,
go to the ends of the Earth for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

Show up naked.
Bring food/beer.

Rules Guys wished Girls Knew

 
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it’s up, put it down.
3. Don’t cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see
if he can find the perfect present!
5. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he’s not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don’t ask him what he’s thinking about unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation,and monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it’s not different, it’s just like ever other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not a sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don’t expect us to like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and your dad’s way past idiot.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work.
18. No, he doesn’t know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We’re bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes – what makes you think
we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
21. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23. Your Mom doesn’t have to be our best friend.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil.
26. Don’t give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27. Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz in
Cosmo together.
29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
30. If you don’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
33. Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.
34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it
done – but not both.
35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
36. Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, and neither do we.
37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to
complain about having their boobs stared at.
38. Consider golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
39. Telling us that the models in the men’s magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty, and it’s certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
41. Anyone can buy condoms.

Afternoon Funny

Halloween party
A married couple was invited to a Halloween party. That night, as they were getting ready to go out, the wife said she had developed a migraine headache and had to stay home. She told her husband to go to the party without her. “Don’t let me spoil a good time for you,” she said. After further discussion, the husband put his costume on and went to the party. The wife took some aspirin and went to bed.

After sleeping for a while, she woke feeling much better and decided to go to the party and surprise her husband. As she was getting ready, she thought to herself, “I wonder what my husband really does when I’m not around.” She then got into a different costume, so her husband wouldn’t recognize her, and went to the party. Getting there, she stood off to the side and watched.

There was her husband dancing with one girl after another and getting very physical with them. She decided to see just how far he would go. She went up to him and started dancing with him, got very close and whispered that they should go outside. Going to one of the cars, they made love. Prior to the midnight unmasking, she left and went home to wait for her husband to return so she could confront him.

He arrived home about 1:00 a.m. and climbed into bed. She sat up and asked “Well, how was the party?” He replied, “It was no fun without you honey.” She said, “I don’t believe you. I bet you had lots of fun!” He replied, “Really, Honey. When I got to the party, some of the guys and I got bored and we went downstairs and played poker all night. But you know, that guy I loaned my costume to had one hell of a great time.”

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Baked Beans
Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.

Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, “He is such a sweet and gentle man, but he would never go for this carrying on.”

So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home.

So, she stopped at the  diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. She putt-putted all the way home, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control any lingering effects.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, “Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight.”

He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a rotten egg gone worse.

When her husband returned, he instructed her to remove her blindfold. And when she did, 50 people around her said “Surprise!”

That’s Their Problem

imageimage

 

Mother has three closets jammed with clothes.  Last time I counted, she had thirty-two outfits with tags.  Last Sunday when she stopped by to score a meal, she was sporting this stylish ensemble.  Since it was a tad nippy, she’d donned the purple, long-sleeved shirt I’d given her when she got caught without a sweater at my house several years ago.  As you can see, it’s extremely roomy. Paired with these charming cropped pants she’s been wearing for at least ten years, she was really styling.  For a finishing touch, she slipped into ankle-high nylons and loafers, accessorized by her pedometer, since her current obsession is walking.

I couldn’t help remarking, “Mother, you do know that’s a hideous outfit, don’t you?”

“I don’t care!  I’m old enough to wear what I want to,” was her reply.

“Okay, but you know since you’re past eighty, people may get the impression you have Alzheimer’s.” wasting some more conversation here.

“Well, that’s their problem!”

I need to find her a shirt that says, “Despite appearances to the contrary, I am not demented.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Joke of the Day

Mr. Rabinowicz goes to the doctor for a check up.

After extensive tests the doctor tells him, “I’m afraid I have some bad news for you. You only have six months to live.”

Mr. Rabinowicz is dumbstruck. After a while he replies, “That’s terrible doctor. But I must admit to you that I can’t afford to pay your bill.”

Ok,” says the doctor, “I’ll give you a year to live.” –

A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde.

Her friend tells her “Go do something to prove them wrong! Why don’t you learn all the state capitals or something?”

The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying. The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, “I’m not a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name all the state capitals!”

The guy doesn’t believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says “Okay, what’s the Capital of Montana?”

The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, “That’s easy! It’s M!” –

What’s worse than a male chauvinist pig?

A woman that won’t do what she’s told.

. How many Real Men does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Real Men aren’t afraid of the dark.
Let me say grace!
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

“Well,” he said, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight’s “the” night. We’re having dinner with her parents, and then we’re going out. And I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna get lucky after that.

Once she’s had me, she’ll want me all the time, so you’d better give me the 12 pack.”

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.

He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over and says, “You never told me that you were such a religious person.”

He leans over to her and says, “You never told me that your father is a pharmacist!”