On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink –
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. (duh!)
On a New Zealand insect spray –
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
In a US guide to setting up a new computer –
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM
UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Make sense…except these instructions we’re IN THE BOX!)
In some countries (like W. Virginia:), on the bottom of Coke bottles –
OPEN OTHER END.
On a Sears hairdryer –
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
( Now THAT I’d like to see! )
On a bag of Fritos –
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap –
DIRECTIONS – USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
(And that would be how?)
On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on BOTTOM of the box)
* DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
(oops…Too late! You lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding –
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
(Are you sure? Let’s experiment.)
On a Korean kitchen knife –
WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
(Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights –
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
(As opposed to what…use in outer space?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts –
INSTRUCTIONS – OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
(I’m sure glad they cleared that up.)
On a Swedish chainsaw –
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
(What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)
On a child’s superman costume –
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
That’s right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)