Evening Chuckle

School Joke

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

 Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her.

 After a couple of weeks the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?”

 He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.”

 Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

“Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.”

 No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. “Well, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked.

 The man grinned and said. “Her name is Sally and she’s a battery salesperson.”

 “Batteries?” cried the wife ……………………………………..

 “Yes” he replied.

“Sally sells C cells by the Seashore.”

Priceless Innocence

Saint Ignatius Montana

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.

It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time,
so the pastor walked up; stood beside the little boy; and said quietly, “Good morning, Alex.”

“Good morning. Pastor,” he replied, still focused on the plaque. “Pastor, what is this?”

The pastor replied, “Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men
and women who died in the service.”

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,”Which service, the 8:00 or the 10:30?”

Grandfathers Don’t Know Everything

Thumbs Up Coltin Bear

Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days.
He’d been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house
and asked, ‘Grandpa, what’s that called when two people sleep in the same
bedroom and one is on top of the other?’
His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth.
‘Well, Hunter, it’s called sexual intercourse.’
‘Oh,’ Little Hunter said, ‘OK,’ and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, ‘Grandpa, it isn’t called
sexual intercourse,. It’s called Bunk Beds ,
And Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you.’

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Afternoon Funny

Far Side cartoons, Far Side cartoon, funny, Far Side picture, Far Side pictures, Far Side image, Far Side images, Far Side illustration, Far Side illustrations

An engineer dies and goes to the gates of the heaven. He is told by the guard, “Ah, you’re an engineer. You are in the wrong place.”

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”

Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

God replies, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake. He should never have gotten down there; send him up here.”

Satan says, “No way.” I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”

God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?”

There was a zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo. Zebra was was getting older, so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm.
The zebra was so excited, she got out of the horse float to see this huge space with green grass and hill and trees and all these strange animals.
She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, “Hi! I’m a zebra, what are you?”

Cow said “I’m a cow”.

Zebra asked “Oh totally, and what do you do?”.

“I make milk for the farmer” said the cow.

“Wow. Cool. Amazing” The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. “Hi, I’m a zebra, what are you?”

“I’m a chicken,” said the chicken.

“Oh, right, what do you do?” asked the zebra.

“I make eggs for the farmer.” said the chicken.

“Right – oh wow! Great! See you around.” Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, “Hi, I’m a zebra, what are you?”

“I am a Stallion,” said the stallion.

“Wow, cool.” said the zebra. “What do you do?”

“Take off your pajamas darling, and I’ll show you.”

A redhead, a brunett, and a blond stand at the bottom of a staircase. There are 1000 steps.
The owner says: “I will tell a joke every 10 steps. to reach the top, you must not laugh.”
The redhead got to the 320th step and then laughed. The brunett got to the 900th step and laughed. The blond got to the 967th step and then laughed.
The owner says: “why are you laughing? I didn’t say a joke.”
The blond says: “I just got the first one.”

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn’t know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he’d stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.

A few minutes later, a woman comes in and says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”

The priest asks, “What did you do?”

The woman says, “I committed adultery.”

Priest, “How many times?”

Woman, “Three times.”

Priest, “Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.”

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”

Priest, “What did you do?”

Man, “I committed adultery.”

Priest, “How many times?”

Man, “Three times.”

Priest, “Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.”

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he’s got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”

Rabbi, “What did you do?”

Woman, “I committed adultery.”

Rabbi, “How many times?”

Woman, “Once.”

Rabbi, “Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5.”

Ask Auntie Linda, October 13, 2015

Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  I am fourteen, old enough to know my own mind. My parents and I get along well, except they insist I attend church services at a tiny church with them weekly.  I hate it.  It is such a waste of time to sit there week after week and listen to the same old thing.  I am not an atheist, but I think I am old enough to make my own decision on this.  I want to go with my friends to a larger church with a contemporary service.  What do you think? Bored

Dear Bored,  I agree, church is sometimes boring.  It is not surprising you’d rather go with your friends to a service more of your liking.  Maybe you can make an agreement to go sometimes with them and alternate with the other church. Perhaps they could visit and see why you like it so much better.  It’s a good thing to be involved with good people somewhere.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  My daughter Jill fled to our house one Saturday night after an altercation with her husband, Jack.  She’d found text messages from her husband to Judy.  She called the woman who wanted Jack to divorce Jill and marry her.  Judy showed Jill pictures of herself, Jack, and a transvestite they were both involved with.

When she confronted Jack, he came after her and Judy, since they’d both crossed him.  Jill fled to our home with their children.  Jill later told me, Jack had often disappeared from her bed at night, to be found sleeping with Jenny, their six-year-old.  When Jill and I questioned Jenny, Jenny started crying.  Jill and the children are living with us and the children haven’t seen Jack.

Here’s the problem.  Jill has been seeing Jack again and wants to reconcile, saying she “misunderstood”  and wants to move home with the children.  I will call police and report if she attempts, but wonder, how do I protect the children?  Grandma Bear

Dear Grandma, It is your responsibility to report the suspected abuse, now.  Call today.  This is not something you can handle yourself.  The problems between Jack and Jill are a secondary issue.  Auntie Linda

Joke of the Day

There was this gas station trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying “Free Sex with Fill-up.” Soon a customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed 8 and the proprietor said, “No, you were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time”. Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed 2 this time, and the proprietor said, “Sorry, it was 3. You were close but no free sex this time”. As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, “I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t give away free sex”. The buddy replied, “No, it’s not rigged – my wife won twice last week.”

A co-worker told John that John’s wife was being unfaithful everyday at 1:30 in the afternoon with John’s best friend.

Worried and hurt, John ran home at 1:30 to see if this was true.

He came back to the office contented and relieved.

His co-worker asked him how it went.

“Look,” said John. “Don’t start such terrible rumors! That guy isn’t my best friend… I don’t even know him.”

Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have? Johnny: One dollar. Teacher(sadly): You don’t know your arithmetic. Johnny(sadly): You don’t know my father. –

A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York to see the radio show and he’s stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, “Sir, have you been drinking?” And the minister says, “Just water.” The sheriff says, “Then why do I smell wine?” And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, “Good Lord, He’s done it again!”