Evening Chuckle/stupid Alcohol One-liners

  1. image Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches. When you can’t get the straw in the hole you’ve had enough.
  2. Alcohol doesn’t turn people into somebody they’re not. It just makes them forget to hide that part of themselves.
  3. Life and beer are very similar …..chill for best results.
  4. I’m not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, but I already have one.
  5. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
  6. If you drink too much alcohol you are an alcoholic. If you drink too much Fanta, does that make you Fantastic?
  7. I don’t recycle because it makes me look like a huge alcoholic to my garbage man.
  8. I’m not an alcoholic alcoholics go to meetings, I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
  9. Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean…… on tables, chairs & random people.
  10. My body is not a temple…..it’s a distillery with legs.
  11. No! for the last time stop asking if i am drunk. I am not drunk! Who would name their kid drunk?
  12. You say alcoholic, I’ll say alcohol enthusiast.
  13. Take me drunk I’m home.
  14. Anyone who says that alcohol is a depressant isn’t drinking enough of it.
  15. When life hands you lemons, find someone with tequila and salt!
  16. Dont drink and drive, it will spill everywhere
  17. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
  18. I’ve been told I’ve got A.D.H.D (Alcohol Drinking and Hangover Disorder)
  19. It’s true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it?
  20. Alcohol is never the answer… But it does make you forget the question.
  21. A man’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another drink.
  22. My doctor told me to watch my drinking, so now I drink in front of a mirror.
  23. “Relationship” has 12 letters but then again so does “Time For Shots”
  24. Confucious says, “Man who drink beer all day, have Wet Dreams all night”.
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Did You Know?

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1. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled “Gentlemen Only…
Ladies Forbidden” … and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
2. The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma
Flintstone.
3. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
4. Men can read smaller print better than women can; women can hear better.
5. Coca-Cola was originally green.
6. It is impossible to lick your elbow.
7. The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
8. The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% ( now get this…)
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
9. The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
10. The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,

11. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
12. The world’s youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
13. The youngest pope was 11 years old.
14. The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
15. The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
16. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades – King David
Hearts – Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds – Julius Caesar
17. A cute mathematical trick: 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
18. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the
person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds
received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
19. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and
Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn’t
added until 5 years later.
20. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
Their birthplace
21. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
Obsession
22. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find
the letter “A”?
One thousand
23. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all
have in common?
All invented by women.
24. What is the only food that doesn’t spoil?
Honey
25. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
Father’s Day
26. In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you
pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence
the phrase “goodnight, sleep tight.”
27. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the
wedding, the bride’s father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could
drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period
was called the honey month… which we know today as the honeymoon.
28. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts… So in old England, when
customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them “Mind your pints and quarts,
and settle down. It’s where we get the phrase “mind your P’s and Q’s.”
29. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or
handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to
get some service. “Wet your whistle” is the phrase inspired by this practice.
30. At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

Ask Auntie Linda, October 14, 2015

Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie, This doesn’t seem like much of a problem as problems go, but it bothers me.  My husband and I are both nurses.  He works twelve hour day shifts during the week and I work twelve hour shifts on three weekend nights so one of us will always be able to care of our two small children who are home-schooled.  This is full-time for both of us, even though it does involve less days.  It requires a lot of sacrifice, but is worth it to take care of them ourselves.  The problem is, lots  people seem to think I don’t work, since I am always home.  “Working mothers”, friends, and relatives are the worst assuming I am always available if their child gets sick at school, has to miss a day of school, or needs a baby sitter when daycares are closed for holidays.  A couple have even given me as an emergency contact without telling me.  I homeschool and have to schedule carefully to make sure my kids get all the experiences and lessons they need.  Why would anyone assume that just because a woman is at home means she is on call to fill in? Nancy Nurse

Dear Nancy, They don’t assume you are free.  They are either desperate, inconsiderate, or selfish.  Maybe all three.  They are imposing.  You will just have to educate them by refusing.  No explanation is necessary.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  I am a nurse and would like to let people know, your patient is likely to be more comfortable if family bathes and grooms them, if you are able and there is no reason for you not to do it.  Just check with the staff, first.  They are there to care for your patient, but your patient may be modest and prefer your help.  They will also get care in a timely manner.  If there are thirty patients on a unit, there may not be but three or less staff to do bathing and grooming.  It is not that staff doesn’t want to take care of you, it just takes a while to for them to get to everybody.  Help your patient, if you can.  No one wants you to give enemas, adjust IVs, deal with catheters, oxygen, give medicines,  or change dressings, but family can often do well with grooming and possibly bathroom assistance.  Please check with staff first and don’t attempt anything you aren’t sure of.  Also, if they are in a general room, it is good to stay with them if there is any chance they are confused or on pain medicine.  I never leave my family unattended if I have any doubts they might need me, unless of course, the staff tells you otherwise.  Nurse Who Advocates for Patients

Dear Nurse, I agree with you !00%.  Most hospital staff is knocking themselves out to do their best.  It is best to be available for your patient.  Auntie Linda

Patio Redo for Less Than $250

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October is as close to heaven as you can get in my corner of Louisiana.  The blazing heat of summer has abated, the weather has cooled, and I decide I’m going to make it, after all.  We just started pulling together a project that has been in the works for a long time,redoing and enclosing our patio.  We still intend to put down a tile floor, put glass doors across the opening, and paint the ceilings ng

All the furniture you see here is an amalgamation of Goodwill, thrift shop, repurposed, and utilization of materials on hand except for a few dollars worth of supplies.  Bud is wonderful and loves a project, so all I have to do is come up with an idea he likes and we’re on it.  The big wicker rocker to the left cost $50 at Goodwill a couple of years ago with a broken rocker.  It retailed for $650, but with wood and paint Bud had on hand, he repaired and painted it.  The rocker on the left upper center was a relative’s castoff, and was spray painted for less than $2.00.  The yellow wicker on the right cost $20 in a thrift shop, paint $2.00 for cost of $22.  One sister gave me the green chair frame, and I covered it in fabric another sister gave me.  The only thing it cost was the seat cushion, and paint on hand, so it cost less than $10.

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Now the ceramic top table took $6.24 in new tile and utilized leftover tile from another project.  We had the grout and ceramic glue on hand.  Bud also had to buy the screen-door stripping for less than $10.  He did have to buy half a sheet of plywood to make the table surface.  He built the pedestal for another table more than twenty-five years ago, so this is it’s second incarnation.  He estimates total costs of table, $80 to $100 if he had had to purchase all the materials today.

The chairs at the table are from a thrift shop.  Total cost, including purchase price of chairs, paint and pine for the seats and the polyurethane finish was less than $40 a chair.  Together the table and chair set might have cost $120, but we still have paint and polyurethane left.

A dear friend built the potting stand in the corner from a decrepit screen door and salvaged materials from a barn demo and materials she had on hand.  I love it.

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The fountain came from a friend and has been on my patio more than twenty-five years.  Best of all is the view I am so grateful for, as I sit in my patio writing.  It is priceless and free, like all the best things. I am so blessed.

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Afternoon Funny

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A guy goes to a girl’s house for the first time and is feeling a bit ill at ease, so he reaches over and fiddles with an odd vase while he’s standing there. 

He says “What’s this?”

She says, “Oh, my father’s ashes are in there.”

He says, “Jeez…oooh….I…”

She says, “Yeah, he’s too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.

A little boy was stirring a bucket of manure and water together.  A fireman came by and asked, “What are you doing, little fellow, making manure pies?”

“Nope, A fireman,” he replied.

“Ah ha ha!”  laughed the fireman, and watched as a policeman walked up.

“What are you making, little guy, manure pies?” The policeman asked.

“Nope, A policeman,” and the little boy.

“Ah ha ha!” laughed both the fireman and policeman and waited as a cowboy walked up.

“What are you doing, buddy, making manure pies?” he asked.

“Nope.  Making a fireman and a policeman,” he explained.

The cowboy laughed hysterically and the fireman and policeman pulled long faces.

“Now wait a minute?” said the fireman and policeman.  “Why aren’t you making a cowboy?”

“Because I don’t have enough manure,” answered the little boy.

Old is When/Joke of the Day

OLD” IS WHEN… Your sweetie says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Pick one, I can’t do both!”

“OLD” IS WHEN.. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.

“OLD” IS WHEN…. A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

“OLD” IS WHEN… Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

“OLD” IS WHEN. You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

“OLD” IS WHEN….. You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

“OLD” IS WHEN….. “Getting a little action” means I don’t need to take any fiber today.

“OLD” IS WHEN….. “Getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.

“OLD” IS WHEN….. An “all-nighter” means not getting up to pee. 

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