Funny Marriage Quotes

All marriages are happy.  It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” -Raymond Hull

“The total amount of undesired sex endured by women is probably greater in marriage than in prostitution.” -Bertrand Russell

“A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve is extracted”
-Helen Rowland

“Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven’t been able to find anybody who’ll take what I have to give.” -Cass Daley

“Marriage: A legal or religious ceremony by which two persons of the opposite sex solemnly agree to harass and spy on each other for ninety-nine years, or until death do them join.” -Elbert Hubbard

“The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.” -Groucho Marx

*“Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.”
-Henny Youngman

“When a man opens the car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” -Prince Philip

“I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.” -Dorothy Parker

“When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.” -Helen Rowland

“Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.” -G. K. Chesterton

“Alimony – The ransom that the happy pay to the devil.”
-H.L. Mencken

“A husband’s last words should always be, OK buy it.” -Unknown

“My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.” -Jimmy Durante

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” -Rita Rudner

“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.” -James Holt McGavran

“Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up.” -Evelyn Hendrickson

“One advantage of marriage is that, when you fall out of love with him or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you fall in again.” -Judith Viorst

“After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.”
-Hemant Joshi

“An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.” -Agatha Christie

“My mother said it was simple to keep a man, you must be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom. I said I’d hire the other two and take care of the bedroom bit.”
-Jerry Hall

“I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.” -Marie Corelli

“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.” -Billy Connolly

“Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.” -Arthur Baer

“Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married?” -Barbra Streisand

“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” – Rita Rudner

“Car Manufacturer’s formula for a successful marriage : Stick to one model!” – Unknown

“Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.” -Joey Adams

“What’s for dinner is the only question many husbands ask their wives, and the only one to which they care about the answer.”
-Mignon McLaughlin

“Three rings of marriage are the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.” -Unknown

“Women hope men will change after marriage but they don’t; men hope women won’t change but they do.” -Bettina Arndt

“Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.” -Helen Rowland

“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” -Henny Youngman

“If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.” -Katharine Hepburn

“It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.” -Robert Frost

“The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him.” -Oscar Wilde

“I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late.” -Max Kauffmann

“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”
-Henry Youngman