Back left, Linda Swain Bethea, holding Connie Swain Miller’s hands, Middle Back Billy Swain, Back Right Phyllis Swain Barrington holding Marilyn Swain Grisham. Picture made about 1961
Bill Swain and Kathleen Holdaway Swain, June 29, 1945
When I reflect on my father’s life, it is odd to think I am several years older now than he was when he died at fifty-seven. He had retired, all five of his children were grown and on their own, and his life was no longer a struggle. He had realized his dream and had large herds of cattle on two farms. He had mellowed out and life was good. He died only three weeks after being diagnosed with a brain tumor in December, 1981.
When puzzling out his behavior, I now realize Daddy’s moods were bipolar. He was extremely quick to anger, irritable, easily offended. The worst thing his children could do was to embarrass him. Quick to reach for a belt or switch like so many parents of his era, he considered himself strict, though he would be classed abusive now. Many times, we wore stripes for days after a whipping. His goal was to raise children who were law-abiding, respectful, and hard-working. Though his methods were beyond strict we might have rebelled had we not had our mother’s softening, comforting influence. She had as little control over her life as we did ours.
The whole family’s life got harder after we moved to the farm. Land had to be cleared, brush piled and burned, barns and fences built. It was more work than any one man could do in a lifetime. Daddy must have been overwhelmed by all the work to be done. We were all pressed into service. My brother and I worked right along with Daddy, along with occasional help Daddy could afford to hire. When the day’s work started, Daddy always said, “Time to the friendship to end and the work to begin.” He was difficult to work with, not taking time to explain how to do a job, lashing out when we didn’t read his mind. I learned to hate summer and school holidays, knowing farm work was waiting. My poor brother, being three years younger than I, caught the brunt of the work, laboring on that farm almost every day he wasn’t in school from the time he was eleven till he left home. Thankfully, I was fourteen when the heavy work started and only sentenced to four years hard labor. All that farm work certainly motivated me to get an education. I had no intention of ever being subservient to anyone again. From the time I was ten or eleven, I had a miserable relationship with Daddy and avoided him whenever possible, which wasn’t often, since I had to help so much. Though I was definitely not grateful at the time, I did learn valuable skills that have helped me throughout my life. I am very strong, have good problem solving skills, and am not intimidated by difficult tasks. There was also the added benefit of developing a thick skin. I yet had to work for anyone as critical as Daddy.
With the arrival of grandchildren, he demonstrated the kindness and caring we never enjoyed. He was everything a grandfather should be. I admired a lot of things about Daddy and think we would have grown close had he lived longer.
I can tell that he made life very hard for his kids but I think dads were different when we were growing up than they are now. Back then, they were the “enforcers” of punishment so their children needed to be afraid of them. That’s how I see it anyway because my dad was like yours. My dad and I finally “began” to have a relationship the last few months of his life. He was dying of cancer in a nursing home and I went to visit him daily. He looked forward to my daily visits.
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Sorry. Just found this in spam. Aren’t you glad you had that time with him?
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Yes I am, as short as it was. It gave him and me both something to look forward to each day for awhile.
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I know you still warm yourself by that fire.
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Thank you Linda. You are right. 🙂
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A kind and thoughtful tribute to your father over the two posts.
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Thank you. I was hoping I didn’t come across as ungrateful and mean.
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A hard life, although you made the best out of it. Perhaps you would have developed a different kind of relationship if he had lived to be older. But you’re indeed very strong. And know what not to do…
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I learned a lot of important things from him.
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I think I get what your dad was saying when he said “Time for the friendship to end and the work to begin.” It was like a warning that he was putting on his “boss” hat and that there would be no deviation from work, no smiles, no laughter, no fun.” Or I could be overthinking it but that’s what I do. lol I love reading about people’s lives and seeing a different side of you. You rok!
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You understand perfectly. He didn’t intend to waste time. He wanted maximum results and no clowning. Good training for a real job later!
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I understand. 💕 You once asked how I was able to forgive my mother, and write about her with love. This is how…in your own words… “As I reflect and write, I soften”.
I’m happy for you.
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It I a a good thing to reflect. Makes me more loving and less harsh in my judgments.
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This is so true of many fathers… I was lucky, mine was a very active dad, but my father in law says himself, he was so busy working, building his family life in the UK, that his children grew up before he knew it. O my kids get the benefit of a super attentive grand dad now.
Love reading your memories xx
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Wish I had those warm memories.
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I feel blessed Linda. He will be 70 next year, and such a strong force in my life xx
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That is such a good thing.
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😊
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I am happy about your balanced perspectives about your dad. He obviously had his struggles that was not understood at that time but he equally left you with a lot of positives.
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Absolutely. I am a powerful woman.
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🙂 yes you are.
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And you are, too!
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🙂
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Yes, that he was such a great granddad shows that a lot of it had been from stress (not at all to defend him where he got abusive). So sorry it was so difficult growing up. It’s wonderful that you can look back with maturity.
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Thank you.
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I love your story telling. I’m sorry it was so difficult but I greatly admire your ability to take life lessons and benefit from them. I’m also glad you got to see a softer side of your father, through your children. You should be very proud of what you did for yourself, with the lessons you did get from your relationship with him.
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Thank you. I appreciate your kindness. I was concerned I would portray him as a and person. He was just doing the best he could, like most of us.
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I think you write so clearly and honestly. I felt sad about how your dad ‘knew’ to raise you. And then felt better about him that he found a way to be softer, love in a better way.
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Me too. We are starting to forge a warm bond.
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my father was a much gentler, funnier, fun loving grandfather than father too, perhaps because he felt his responsibility in raising us was done
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has to be.
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Oh, I could so relate to this heartwarming and touching story of life filled with love and adversity. The way you found positives through negativity and knew in effect, your father could not help himself due to an untreated illness. Little understanding or treatment back in those days. Yes, had he lived longer, I do believe you would be closer to him and in a sense you are. You understand him better now and had a chance to see his good side through your children. Blessings.
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Thank you. As I reflect and write, I soften.
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Me too…it’s good, isn’t it. God’s way. 🙂 Blessings.
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Thanks for your kindness.
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So welcome.
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loved this post. Going off to find Part 1
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Thanks. Hope you like it.
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Reblogged this on Dream Big, Dream Often and commented:
If you are not following Nutsrok, then you are missing out. This page is quickly becoming one of my favorites on WP! Perfect place to go for good perspective and a few laughs!
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Thanks.
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Always my pleasure! I just love your page!
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Thanks
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