Ask Auntie Linda, November 5, 2015

Dear Auntie Linda, My father died last year.  He and my mother owned two homes.  Mother doesn’t want to live alone in a distant city since Dad died.  She moved into the apartment attached to my home in rural Tennessee.  She gets along really well and my family and I enjoy her company.  My three small children love having their grandmother here.  Mother is only sixty-two and in excellent health.  She wants to sell her two homes, one in New York and one in the Bahamas and build a house nearby.  Two of my siblings are furious that she wants to sell “their inheritance.”  They are both single with no children and believe I am using my children to influence Mother.  They are making her miserable.  How do I convince them I don’t have a finger in the pie? Spoiled Siblings

Dear Spoiled, Your mother will have to handle this.  If I were in this position, I’d remind the all my children that I planned to live awhile and need home now.  When I am dead, they will get whatever I feel the deserve in my will.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, My husband has started attending a  bizarre fundamentalist church.  He contributes way over what we can afford.  I have attended this church and feel it is cult-like.  I told him I want nothing to do with it.  Last Sunday, he came home telling me he is entering the ministry, selling our house, and moving into the church compound.  He has always been too dominant but now he is moving toward irrational.  What do I do  I don’t work and have small children.  I don’t know if I can make it on my own.  Not Churchy

Dear Not Churchy,  Talk to a lawyer.  You can go to legal aid if needed.  Sounds like you need to have a plan.  Women make it all the time who think they can’t.  Best the heck out of trying to escape from a cult and then figuring out how to make it on your own.

Email Auntie Linda  lbeth1950@hotmail.com

Evening Chuckle

‘He’s having trouble pronouncing his arrrrhhhs.’

‘Ships plumber reporting for duty.’

‘If I have to perch here all day, then you really need to do something about your ear hair.’

CAPTAIN SMITHERS
In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new Commanding Officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring Colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring Colonel said,
“You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he’s really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.”

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO who was surprised to meet a crooked, toothless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, with three strands of hair on his head – a particularly unattractive man of less than three foot tall.

“Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself.”

“Well, sir, I graduated with honour’s from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar and three DSO’s after 12 months of expeditions behind enemy lines.

I’ve represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won Gold Medals in the middleweight division boxing, archery gold, wrestling and a 2 golds in the Olympic games. I have researched the history of…………………………”

Here the Colonel interrupted,
“Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the
CO can find all that in your file.

Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to “Go chase herself.”

No Land Lovers Here
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?” The pirate replies, “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”

“Wow!” said the seaman. “What about your hook”? “Well”, replied the pirate, “We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off.”

“Incredible!” remarked the seaman. “How did you get the eye patch”? “A seagull dropping fell into my eye,” replied the pirate.

“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?,” the sailor asked incredulously. “Well,” said the pirate, “it was my first day with my hook”

One Wish
A pirate and his parrot, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a valiant battle.
While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie came forth.
This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving any thought to the matter the pirate blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into rum!”
The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest rum ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the Genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of rum on the hull broke the stillness as the two considered their circumstances.
The parrot looked disgustedly at the pirate and after a tension-filled moment spoke: “Now yee’ve done it!! Now we’re gonna have to pee in the boat.”

Trick Or Treat
A little kid with a speech impediment dresses up as a pirate and goes trick or treating.
He knocks on the door of a house and a man answers.
“oh, i can see you’re dressed up as a pirate.” the man says. “but where are your buccaneers?”
The kid gets really mad, and says “on the sides of my buckin’ head!”

Afternoon Funny

If I Were a Rich Man!

I

I hate this.  After the recent storm, we had a leak around the flashing around our chimney.  Bud is perfectly willing and able to do repairs, but I hate seeing him pull out the ladder to climb on the roof.  He finished the repair and was back safely on the ground in ten minutes and saved the cost of a repair.  He’s always reminding me he’s not a rich man, but I believe he would still do this if he were.   What you don’t see is me waiting and watching below.  We are both retired RNs, with extensive experience taking care of those who have fallen of roofs.  Thank God, all went well!

i hate this

Joke of the Day

Cowboy Jokes

Talking Animals

A ventriloquist cowboy walks into town and sees an Old Friend sitting on his porch. He figures he’ll have a little fun… Cowboy: “Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?” Old Friend: “Dog no talk.”

Cowboy: “Hey dog, how’s it going?” Dog: “Doin’ alright.” Old Friend: extreme look of shock

Cowboy: ” Is this man your owner?” pointing at Old Friend. Dog: “Yep”

Cowboy: “How does he treat you?” Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.” Old Friend: look of disbelief.

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your horse?” Old Friend: “Horse no talk.”

Cowboy: “Hey horse, how’s it going?” Horse: “Cool.” Old Friend: extreme look of shock

Cowboy: “Is this your owner? ” pointing at Old Friend. Horse: “Yep”

Cowboy: “How’s he treat you?” Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.”

Old Friend: total look of amazement

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”

Old Friend: “Sheep Lie.”

Be Careful What You Wish For

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy’s horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.

The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. “Hold on there, partner,” said the snake, “don’t shoot – I’m an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don’t shoot me, I’ll give you any three wishes you want.”

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake’s striking range. He said, “Okay, first, I’d like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I’d like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I’d like to be built like this here horse I’m riding.”

The rattlesnake said, “All right, when you get back to the bunk house you’ll have all three wishes.” The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.

Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, “Oh my God, I was riding the mare!”

Lost Control…

At the end of the workday, one cowboy tells another, “That new bull nearly did me in today, pardner.”
“Oh yeah, what happened?” asked the other cowboy.

“I was putting out the feed, when the sucker came charging at me like a locomotive from hell. He damn near got me!” replied the first cowboy.

“So, how’d you get away?” asked the other cowboy.

“The bull kept slipping. He slipped three times, and that gave me a chance to make it to the fence and jump over,” replied the first cowboy.

“Man, that’s scary! If it’d been me, I would probably have crapped all over the place,” remarked the second cowboy.

The first cowboy replied, “I DID! What do you think that bull was slipping in?”