Evening Chuckle

late-for-work-excuse-that-no-one-will-believe 1Here are 12 of the most outrageous excuses employees have heard for being late to work:

1. My heat was shut off so I had to stay home to keep my snake warm.

2. My husband thinks it’s funny to hide my car keys before he goes to work.

3. I walked into a spider web on the way out the door and couldn’t find the spider, so I had to go inside and shower again.

4. I got locked in my trunk by my son.

5. My left turn signal was out so I had to make all right turns to get to work.

6. A gurney fell out of an ambulance and delayed traffic.

7. I was attacked by a raccoon and had to stop by the hospital to make sure it wasn’t rabid.

8. I feel like I’m in everyone’s way if I show up on time.

9. My father didn’t wake me up.

10. A groundhog bit my bike tire and made it flat.

11. My driveway washed away in the rain last night.

12. I had to go to bingo.

Getting Skinned at Lunch with Mother

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Lunch out with Mother always starts with an understanding.  I understand I will be paying unless she tells me otherwise.  Let me give you a little background.  She is a tightwad.  If we stop at McDonald’s for a cup of coffee, she always holds her little yellow change purse where I can’t see it, pretends she has no change, even though it’s bulging, and asks, “Can you pay for my coffee?  I hate to break a dollar for coffee.”  Technically, this is true.  She never said she didn’t have change.  She just hates to break a dollar for coffee.  If we went to a car dealership, she’d say, “Can you get this.? I hate to write a check for a car.”

Today was no different.  We ordered our lunch, had a nice visit, and Mother disappeared to the bathroom.  The check came while she was gone.  She came back, totally surprised to find me paying check.  “I didn’t know the check would come so soon.  I’ll pay you back later……..if you’re not going to eat that chicken, I’ll put in my takeout box…..and if you don’t want the rest of your salad, and that roll……..”

Today was no different.  We ordered our lunch, had a nice visit, and Mother disappeared to the bathroom.  The check came while she was gone.  She came back, totally surprised to find me paying check.  “I didn’t know the check would come so soon.  I’ll pay you back later……..if you’re not going to eat that chicken, I’ll put in my takeout box…..and if you don’t want the rest of your salad, and that roll……..and pass me four of those Splenda packets.”

Afternoon Funny

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Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Kentucky State Lottery?

The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.


money
“Daddy,” a little boy asked his father. “How much does it cost to get married?”

“I don’t know, son. I’m still paying for it.”


money
Talent does what it can, genius what it must.

I do what I get paid to do.

What is the thinnest book in the world?

“What men know about women.”


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What do you call a woman who works as hard as a man?

Lazy.

What not to say to the nice policeman:

I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.


policeman,shield
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?

The sofa doesn’t keep asking for beer.

money

Ask Auntie Linda, November 11, 2015

Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  My father died last year at the age of fifty-two.  He was an excellent provider and left Mother adequately provided for, if she is careful.  They lived modestly, but well.  They married while they were in college and Mother never finished her degree.  She has never had to work outside the home.  Dad paid all the bills.  The problem is, Mother never learned to manage money.  I am concerned that she will run out of money at the rate she is spending.  She has taken three cruises, donated $10,000 to her church, and is now remodeling the house.  When Dad knew he was dying, he asked me to help Mom manage her money.  I have tried to sit down with her, make a budget, and go over a long-term plan with her.  She really needs to get a part-time job to make her money last and keep her occupied, but she wants no part of it.  How can I reach her?  No Brakes on Spending

Dear No Brakes, This is worrisome.  Assuming your mother is also in her fifties, she will need to plan for a lot of years.  If I were you, I would remind her that your father asked you to help her plan and go ahead and do a simple outline projecting how much money it will take to sustain her should she live thirty years.  Keep it as simple as possible.  Who knows if she will listen, but she probably doesn’t want to have to sell the house and belongings at some point and just squeak by on social security.  Good luck.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, The kids, age fourteen and eleven,  who live across the street are at my house all the time. Their mother works nights as a psychiatric nurse.  I’ve heard her screaming at them.  Lately, they have been coming for breakfast and coming here straight after school, staying for dinner most nights. Their father gets in about six but they don’t go home till after seven when their mother goes to work. I am happy to feed a hungry kid.  Both kids tell me their mother locks them out because they make too much noise when she’s trying to sleep and has put locks on the cupboards because they eat too much.  What do I do?  Neighbor

Dear Neighbor,  These children are neglected and abused.  Report this to child protection.  I am glad you look out for them.  They need a friend.  Auntie Linda

Joke of the Day

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Welcome to Jamaica

There once was a couple of newlyweds named John and Wendy. John told his wife Wendy that he wanted a tattoo! Wendy agreed and said that would be ok. John did not know what the tattoo should say or where he would put it. So Wendy said, “Well, if you REALLY loved me, you would get my name tattooed on your pecker.”

John couldn’t back out on that one, so he went to the tattoo parlor. The tattoo artist told him that he needed to have an erection while he put it on. After an hour of excruciating pain, the tattoo was done.

As John was on his way home from the tattoo parlor he saw a rest stop and decided he needed to stop and take a leak. He went to the restroom and looked down to admire his tattoo and he noticed, that when he was not erect, the only letters that were visible, were the W and the Y.

Suddenly, a big Jamaican gentleman steps into the urinal beside John and John accidentally looked down at the guy and could not help but notice that he ALSO had the letters W and Y tattooed. So John said “Hey, I guess you have a girlfriend or wife named Wendy too.”
The guy looked confused and said, “What makes you think that?” John replied “Well I noticed the W and the Y tattoo — so you don’t have a girlfriend named Wendy?”

The guy laughed and responded, “No mon, that tattoo says, “Welcome to Jamaica! Have a nice day.”

THINGS YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR AT THE TATTOO PARLOR

“Eagle? I thought you said BEAGLE.”

“We’re all out of red, so I used pink.”

“There are 2 Os in Bob, right?”

“I’d like you to meet my father-in-law, he’s a laser removal specialist.”

“Sorry, sir, your chest will only hold the bottle dinghy.”

“Just let me toss back another shot and we’ll get started.”

“That call was for you. Hope you meet someone else named Tahiti Sweetie.”

“Don’t worry, this is a one of a kind tattoo.  Your clover has five leaves, not four.”

“Gosh, I hate it when I get the hiccups.”

“If you don’t like it, don’t panic. I do bitchin’ cover-ups.”

“Anything else you want to say? You’ve got plenty of room back here.”

“I’ll bet you can’t tell I’ve never done this before.”

“The flag’s all done and you know, the folds of fat make a nice waving effect.”

“Oops….”

“Latex gloves are for sissies.”

“Do you mind paying me up front?  People stiff me if I don’t get the money before I do the job”

“I haven’t learned drawing a Grim Reaper yet,  so I did a naked chick hugging Mickey instead.”