The Very Best of the Evening Jokes Just for You

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Patty was quietly minding her own business, eating her soup alone in her booth at a local eatery, when a voice startled her from behind.  It was the guy in the booth behind her.  “Not so loud!” he said.  “What?” she questioned, as she took another spoonful of soup.  “I said not so loud!” was his muffled reply.  Embarrassed at being told she was slurping her soup, she pushed away her bowl and started her grilled cheese sandwich.  “How was your day?” questioned the man from behind once again.  “Pretty good” responded Patty, confused that this stranger would care.  “Did you pass the exam?” came the next question from behind.  “I don’t know, I didn’t get my grade yet” replied a thoroughly bewildered Patty. “I’ll have to call you back when I’m out of here”, came the voice from behind once again, “some nut job is answering every question I ask you!”

Being Pregnant Joke

Tom and his wife Jenny were attending a class for parents to be.  “Husbands, today we are going to focus on you!” announced the instructor.  “I want you all to do the following activities as if you were the one pregnant.  This way you will see how difficult everyday activities become for the pregnant women, and you will leave with a greater appreciation for your pregnant wives.”

“Wow!  This is great!  Finally you’ll have a feeling for what I’ve been going through!”  Jenny excitedly said to Tom, as his stepped up for his assignment.

“Tom, I want you to pretend to cook dinner as if you were a tired out woman in her seventh month!”, ordered the instructor.

“Oh that’s simple” Tom confidently answered.  “I know exactly how I would do it…

Honey!” he hollered.  “Order us a pie of pizza for dinner tonight.  I’m too tired to cook

High Blood Pressure Joke

Sammy couldn’t take it anymore.  His wife Shirley had been nudging him for months to see the Doctor about his high blood pressure.  He had finally made the appointment simply because he couldn’t take it any longer.

As he walked in the front door after his appointment, an anxious Shirley was there waiting for him.  Bracing herself for the worst, she asked Sammy how the appointment went, as she nervously eyed the bottle of pills he had come home with.

“Everything’s fine”, Sammy happily told her.  All he gave me was this bottle of tranquilizers.”

“Tranquilizers?” asked a confused Shirley.  “I’ve never heard of them giving tranquilizers?!”

“Oh, they’re not for me,” Sammy triumphantly replied.  “They’re for you!”

 

At age 80, Sam was telling his good friend Harry about a book of memory tricks that he was reading.  “I’m telling you,” he exclaimed, “ever since I started reading the book, my memory has gotten better!”

“Wow!” responded an amazed Harry.  “What’s the title of the book?”

“Well,” said Sam ,after hesitating for a second. “You know that jewel that’s round and white, and comes from oysters….?” Asked Sam. “What’s it called again?” “A pearl?” answered Harry.

“That’s right,” said Sam.

“Pearl!” hollered Sam,  “what’s that book of memory tricks I’ve been reading called?  Harry wants to see it!”

 

Judgment In Heaven Joke

Sam was standing at the gates of heaven, having just died moments before.  “Why aren’t I being let in?” asked Sam upon seeing the concerned look on the angel’s face.  “Well, to tell you the truth, according to these papers, it seems like you don’t really belong here,” replied the angel.  “I’ll tell you what I can do for you though,” the merciful angel said.  “Has there ever been a time when you saved someone’s life?  That should be enough to get you into here.”  “Yes!” Sam eagerly responded.  “Once I was sitting at the beach when I heard faint screams and saw a head bobbing up and down in the water.  I ran as fast as I could into the waters even though I couldn’t swim, just so I could save the guy’s life.  As I neared him, I felt the waters getting deeper and deeper, but I told myself to just keep on going so I could save the guy.”  “When did this happen?” asked the impressed angel.  “Oh, a just a few seconds ago”, responded Sam.

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Playing Hooky Joke

The local high school has a policy that the parents must call the school if a student is to be absent for the day. Kelly, deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends waited until her parents had left for work and called the school herself. This is the actual conversation of the telephone call.

Kelly: “Hi, I’m calling to report that Kelly so-and-so is unable to make it to school today because she is ill.

Secretary at high school: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I’ll note her absence. Who is this calling?”

Kelly: “This is my mother.”

 

Smart Teen Joke

The cop got out of his car and the kid, who was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.

“I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said.

The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”

Community Service Joke

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.

Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. “Dear,” said the mother diplomatically, “he doesn’t seem very nice.”

“Oh please, Mom,” replied the daughter, “if he wasn’t nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”

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