Laugh Your Way With the Best Guilt Joke of the Day

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'What are these for?  You only bring me flowers when you've done something good.'

‘What are these for? You only bring me flowers when you’ve done something good.’

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'Son, your mother and I don't even recognize you anymore.  You've become some sort of twisted animal.'

‘Son, your mother and I don’t even recognize you anymore. You’ve become some sort of twisted animal.’

Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,
I hope you are well. Please don’t worry about me. I’m just fine considering I can’t breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I’ve sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you’ll spend on my beautiful grandchildren, who I never see. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look anemic in their pictures, poor, thin babies.
Thank you so much for the birthday flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they’ll stay fresh for my grave.  I know I’ll need them any day.  Which reminds me — we buried Aunt Lucy last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral, so Aunt Minnie and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet she’s never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she? I am still suffering.
Well son, it’s time for me to drag myself to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don’t you worry about me. I’m also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don’t you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family holidays you take every year, though you never come see me. Give my love to my darling grand-babies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is — the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.
Love Always, Your poor, old mother

32 thoughts on “Laugh Your Way With the Best Guilt Joke of the Day

  1. Hahahaha! I loved these – especially the Far Side contributions. Gary Larson is an undisputed genius of comedy, and I think I cried real tears the day he decided he had ridden the Far Side comics as … ahem … FAR as they would go. I have read every single book many times, and they always make me laugh. As for the Dear Son letter… oh my! Made me feel so guilty for being that woman he married and dragging him across the ocean. Again… LOL! Seriously, I feel guilty enough about being a zillion miles from my own ailing mother. She’s not the Guilt Trip type, but I am a season ticket holder anyway. I’ll pass along to her the tip about freezing flowers. Who woulda thunk it? xx MH

    Liked by 2 people

  2. My mother is the hypochondriac who regales you with the Current Symptoms. If you change the subject to something more upbeat or, frankly, anything other than her, her “allergies” suddenly act up and she starts coughing until she has the floor again.

    Liked by 1 person

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