10 Reasons a Woman Would Want to Be Santa Claus

Adult Christmas Jokes

Funny Adult Christmas Jokes Did you know that Santa’s not allowed to go down chimneys any more? It was declared unsafe by the Elf & Safety Committee. Short Christmas Jokes Which Appeal To Grown-ups What A Girl Wants For Christmas Why a Woman WOULD LIKE to Be Santa ‘Waiter – There’s a Fly in My Champagne’ Funny Christmas Jokes Mistletoe Joke Christmas Quotes Please note: this page features Christmas humour for grown-ups, and not risqué adult   ∇ 1) Mike walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The barmaid looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it. ‘Tiny’, answers Mike. ‘Why’s that?’ enquires the barmaid. ‘Because he’s my newt’ concludes Mike.       (Will had to explain this riddle to me.  My newt – minute) 2) Snowman Jokes What do you call a snowman in the summer? A puddle. What do you call a snowman in the tropics? Lost. 3) Christmas Presents Of the presents received at Christmas, one in 10 will be broken by the New Year, only 40% will make it to March and just a quarter will be intact by next Xmas. 4) Christmas Sales Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.  Handmade gifts for that hard-to-find person. (Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present!) 5) Christmas Pudding Notice Silver Christmas charms bring you good fortune. Silver Christmas charms bring you good fortune. Potential choking hazard: do not use with food. 6) Christmas Pizza Joke Good King Wenceslas phoned Domino’s for a pizza. The salesgirl asked him:- ‘Do you want your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?’ 7) Classic Christmas Joke What did the reindeer say before launching into his comedy routine? This will sleigh y What A Boy Wants For Christmas David remembers accompanying his father out shopping in the toy department of Macy’s one Christmas Eve. Dad said, ‘What a marvellous train set. I’ll buy it.’ The girl behind the counter looked pleased and murmured, ‘Great, I’m sure your son will really love it.’ Dad replied with a glint in his eye, ‘Maybe you’re right.  In that case I’ll take two.’ What A Girl Wants For Christmas The Santa Claus at the shopping mall was very surprised when a Emily, young lady aged about 20 years old walked up and sat on his lap.  Now, we all know that Santa doesn’t usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, ‘What do you want for Christmas?’ ‘Something for my mother, please,’ replied Emily sweetly. ‘Something for your mother? Well, that’s very loving and thoughtful of you,’ smiled Santa. ‘What do would you like me to bring her?’ Without turning a hair Emily answered quickly, ‘A son-in-law.’ Santa’s Funny Outfit How do you know Santa Claus has to be a man? No woman is going to wear the same outfit year after year!  Ξ 10 Reasons Why a Woman WOULD LIKE to Be Santa Claus There’d be no more early morning decisions about what to wear to the office. No one would bother to ask Santa Claus for a ride to work. Buy one big brown belt and you’d be accessorized for life. You’d always work in sensible footwear. You’d never be expected to make the coffee. There’d be no need to play office politics; a hearty ho-ho-ho would remind everyone who is the boss. Juggling work and family would be easy.  All your children would adore you; even your teenagers would want to sit in your lap. You’d never take the wrong coat on your way home. You could grow a tummy the size of Texas and consider it a job requirement of a funny Santa Claus. No one would ask to see your job description.

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How to Celebrate with No Money THIS Year

I can always tell when the Christmas Season has arrived when Bud announces, “We really don’t have any money to spend on Christmas this year.” We’ve been married forty-five years so I’ve heard that at least forty-five thousand times.  It wouldn’t matter if we had just won the lottery, he’d be worried about the taxes we have to pay on the bonanza!

This year, I surprised him.  Way back in October, I announced.  “We really don’t have any money to spend on Christmas THIS year.  You can just take care of the shopping.”

It only took him an instant to say, “Okay.  I’m through.”

“That’s what I thought you’d say.”  Of course, I’d already done my shopping.

Not long after that, he bought himself a nice pair of rattlesnake-proof boots.  “This will be my Christmas present.  Don’t buy me anything.”

“No problem,” I meant it.

A few days later, we made a trip to Missouri so he could hunt with his cousin, necessitating purchase of more gear and an out of state license.  They don’t give those away.  “This trip and the hunting license will be my gift.  Don’t buy me anything.”

“Don’t worry.  I won’t.  Remember, we are short on money THIS year.”

Yesterday after lunch, Bud said, “Don’t worry about getting me a Christmas gift.  There’s only one thing I want and I’ll take care of it.”

“But what about all the other stuff you already got.  I thought that was your Christmas,” I reminded him.

“Well, this is only seventy dollars and it’s on sale now at Bass Pro!”

“Oh, that’s different!  What are you going to get me?”

“Didn’t you ever get that vacuum cleaner you wanted for your birthday?”

“No, I thought you might get it since it was my birthday.”

“Well, I never know exactly what you want.”

If he lives till spring, I’m going to hide those rattlesnake-proof boots.

 

Best Laughs on a Sunday Morning

Best of the Worst of Evil Larry

Since a lot of you seemed to enjoy hearing about my cousin Evil Larry who tormented my poor brother so, I thought I’d give you a little more. Like I said, we were periodically subjected to cousinly visits, whether or not we wanted them. Hence, Evil Larry was often around to inflict mayhem. Once he stood on a fence post in our front yard shouting racial epithets at black people passing by. Naturally, we flew in the house to report it. Mother would have murdered us for this type of behavior. She came flying out in a fury, snatched him off the fence, and dragged him back in the house. I was in high hopes, she’d kill him, at the very least, but all she did was threaten him with death by fly swat if he dared show his face in the front yard again. She must have scared him, since he spent the rest of the day out of public sight. That was quite an intimidation act for her, but still disappointing for us.

Another time, when Bill was in high school, he had the bad judgment to let Evil Larry drive his 1949 Ford Truck. Evil Larry took a curve too fast and tore out about a hundred feet of the neighbor’s barbed wire fence. Typically, he said, “Oh ^%#*@ let’s get out of here before the old #@^% catches us!”

Knowing there was no hope, Bill said, “I don’t think that’s gonna work. There’s his son right there, watching us.” It would have been useless to hope for escape anyway. In our community, everybody knew everything that was going on. Besides, it didn’t take a genius to put the scrape marks on the truck and the track marks together. Bill went home and ‘fessed up to Daddy before heading back up the road to face the neighbor and do fence repairs. Of course, Evil Larry had done his part when he tore the fence up.

Evil Larry lived up to his early promise. He never really worked, engaged in petty crime, though he lacked the organization and skills to get into anything really impressive. He was involved with numerous women, fathering several unfortunate children along the way, none of whom he supported. He greatest gift seemed to be a high sperm count. He has made some claims about getting into big time drug-dealing and organized crime and being in the witness protection program, but unfortunately still shows up from time to time, so that achievement seems unlikely. Not too long ago, Evil Larry’s son called up his grandmother asking for money to go to Evil Larry’s funeral, but when she checked, it turned out the whole story was a sham. I guess the bad apple doesn’t fall too far from Evil Larry’s tree.

I spoke to Evil Larry’s mother recently.  She doesn’t really keep up with him but did recently hear that Karma bit him on the butt.  Somehow, through the years, Evil Larry worked enough to qualify for Social Security and filed for disability, the only steady income he ever enjoyed.  When he turned sixty-two, Social Security kicked in.  The State of Louisiana caught up with him then and docks him $100 a month to repay the state benefits his kids got when he was a deadbeat dad.

Some people can’t catch a break.