![]() Adult Christmas Jokes |
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Funny Adult Christmas Jokes
Did you know that Santa’s not allowed to go down chimneys any more?
Please note: this page features Christmas humour for grown-ups, and not risquΓ© adult Β Β β1) Mike walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. ‘Tiny’, answers Mike. 2) Snowman Jokes What do you call a snowman in the tropics? 3) Christmas Presents 4) Christmas Sales (Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present!) 5) Christmas Pudding Notice 6) Christmas Pizza Joke 7) Classic Christmas Joke What A Boy Wants For Christmas
David remembers accompanying his father out shopping in the toy department of Macy’s one Christmas Eve. Dad said, ‘What a marvellous train set. I’ll buy it.’ The girl behind the counter looked pleased and murmured, ‘Great, I’m sure your son will really love it.’ Dad replied with a glint in his eye, ‘Maybe you’re right.Β In that case I’ll take two.’ What A Girl Wants For ChristmasThe Santa Claus at the shopping mall was very surprised when a Emily, young lady aged about 20 years old walked up and sat on his lap.Β Now, we all know that Santa doesn’t usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, ‘What do you want for Christmas?’ ‘Something for my mother, please,’ replied Emily sweetly. ‘Something for your mother? Well, that’s very loving and thoughtful of you,’ smiled Santa. ‘What do would you like me to bring her?’ Without turning a hair Emily answered quickly, ‘A son-in-law.’ Santa’s Funny Outfit
How do you know Santa Claus has to be a man? Β Ξ10 Reasons Why a Woman WOULD LIKE to Be Santa Claus
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Day: December 5, 2015
Meet and Greet Weekend Link!
Great meet and greet at Danny’s Place.
Check out the link here for this weekendβs Meet and Greet!!!
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How to Celebrate with No Money THIS Year
I can always tell when the Christmas Season has arrived when Bud announces, βWe really donβt have any money to spend on Christmas this year.β Weβve been married forty-five years so Iβve heard that at least forty-five thousand times.Β It wouldnβt matter if we had just won the lottery, heβd be worried about the taxes we have to pay on the bonanza!
This year, I surprised him.Β Way back in October, I announced.Β βWe really donβt have any money to spend on ChristmasΒ THIS year.Β You can just take care of the shopping.β
It only took him an instant to say, βOkay.Β Iβm through.β
βThatβs what I thought youβd say.βΒ Of course, Iβd already done my shopping.
Not long after that, he bought himself a nice pair of rattlesnake-proof boots.Β βThis will be my Christmas present.Β Donβt buy me anything.β
βNo problem,β I meant it.
A few days later, we made a trip to Missouri so he could hunt with his cousin, necessitating purchase of more gear and an out of state license.Β They donβt give those away.Β βThis trip and the hunting license will be my gift.Β Donβt buy me anything.β
βDonβt worry.Β I wonβt.Β Remember, we are short on money THIS year.β
Yesterday after lunch, Bud said, βDonβt worry about getting me a Christmas gift.Β Thereβs only one thing I want and Iβll take care of it.β
βBut what about all the other stuff you already got.Β I thought that was your Christmas,β I reminded him.
βWell, this is only seventy dollars and itβs on sale now at Bass Pro!β
βOh, thatβs different!Β What are you going to get me?β
βDidnβt you ever get that vacuum cleaner you wanted for your birthday?β
βNo, I thought you might get it since it was my birthday.β
βWell, I never know exactly what you want.β
If he lives till spring, Iβm going to hide those rattlesnake-proof boots.
Best Laughs on a Sunday Morning
Best of the Worst of Evil Larry
Since a lot of you seemed to enjoy hearing about my cousin Evil Larry who tormented my poor brother so, I thought Iβd give you a little more. Like I said, we were periodically subjected to cousinly visits, whether or not we wanted them. Hence, Evil Larry was often around to inflict mayhem. Once he stood on a fence post in our front yard shouting racial epithets at black people passing by. Naturally, we flew in the house to report it. Mother would have murdered us for this type of behavior. She came flying out in a fury, snatched him off the fence, and dragged him back in the house. I was in high hopes, sheβd kill him, at the very least, but all she did was threaten him with death by fly swat if he dared show his face in the front yard again. She must have scared him, since he spent the rest of the day out of public sight. That was quite an intimidation act for her, but still disappointing for us.
Another time, when Bill was in high school, he had the bad judgment to let Evil Larry drive his 1949 Ford Truck. Evil Larry took a curve too fast and tore out about a hundred feet of the neighborβs barbed wire fence. Typically, he said, βOh ^%#*@ letβs get out of here before the old #@^% catches us!β
Knowing there was no hope, Bill said, βI donβt think thatβs gonna work. Thereβs his son right there, watching us.β It would have been useless to hope for escape anyway. In our community, everybody knew everything that was going on. Besides, it didnβt take a genius to put the scrape marks on the truck and the track marks together. Bill went home and βfessed up to Daddy before heading back up the road to face the neighbor and do fence repairs. Of course, Evil Larry had done his part when he tore the fence up.
Evil Larry lived up to his early promise. He never really worked, engaged in petty crime, though he lacked the organization and skills to get into anything really impressive. He was involved with numerous women, fathering several unfortunate children along the way, none of whom he supported. He greatest gift seemed to be a high sperm count. He has made some claims about getting into big time drug-dealing and organized crime and being in the witness protection program, but unfortunately still shows up from time to time, so that achievement seems unlikely. Not too long ago, Evil Larryβs son called up his grandmother asking for money to go to Evil Larryβs funeral, but when she checked, it turned out the whole story was a sham. I guess the bad apple doesnβt fall too far from Evil Larryβs tree.
I spoke to Evil Larry’s mother recently. Β She doesn’t really keep up with him but did recently hear that Karma bit him on the butt. Β Somehow, through the years, Evil Larry worked enough to qualify for Social Security and filed for disability, the only steady income he ever enjoyed. Β When he turned sixty-two, Social Security kicked in. Β The State of Louisiana caught up with him then and docks him $100 a month to repay the state benefits his kids got when he was a deadbeat dad.
Some people can’t catch a break.