Funny Adult Christmas Jokes
Did you know that Santa’s not allowed to go down chimneys any more?
It was declared unsafe by the Elf & Safety Committee.
Please note: this page features Christmas humour for grown-ups, and not risqué adult
1) Mike walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
The barmaid looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.
‘Tiny’, answers Mike.
‘Why’s that?’ enquires the barmaid.
‘Because he’s my newt’ concludes Mike.
(Will had to explain this riddle to me. My newt – minute)
2) Snowman Jokes
What do you call a snowman in the summer?
What do you call a snowman in the tropics?
3) Christmas Presents
Of the presents received at Christmas, one in 10 will be broken by the New Year, only 40% will make it to March and just a quarter will be intact by next Xmas.
4) Christmas Sales
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale. Handmade gifts for that hard-to-find person.
(Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present!)
5) Christmas Pudding Notice
Silver Christmas charms bring you good fortune. Silver Christmas charms bring you good fortune.
Potential choking hazard: do not use with food.
6) Christmas Pizza Joke
Good King Wenceslas phoned Domino’s for a pizza.
The salesgirl asked him:- ‘Do you want your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?’
7) Classic Christmas Joke
What did the reindeer say before launching into his comedy routine?
This will sleigh y
What A Boy Wants For Christmas
David remembers accompanying his father out shopping in the toy department of Macy’s one Christmas Eve.
Dad said, ‘What a marvellous train set. I’ll buy it.’
The girl behind the counter looked pleased and murmured, ‘Great, I’m sure your son will really love it.’
Dad replied with a glint in his eye, ‘Maybe you’re right. In that case I’ll take two.’
What A Girl Wants For Christmas
The Santa Claus at the shopping mall was very surprised when a Emily, young lady aged about 20 years old walked up and sat on his lap. Now, we all know that Santa doesn’t usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, ‘What do you want for Christmas?’
‘Something for my mother, please,’ replied Emily sweetly.
‘Something for your mother? Well, that’s very loving and thoughtful of you,’ smiled Santa. ‘What do would you like me to bring her?’
Without turning a hair Emily answered quickly, ‘A son-in-law.’
Santa’s Funny Outfit
How do you know Santa Claus has to be a man?
No woman is going to wear the same outfit year after year!
10 Reasons Why a Woman WOULD LIKE to Be Santa Claus
- There’d be no more early morning decisions about what to wear to the office.
- No one would bother to ask Santa Claus for a ride to work.
- Buy one big brown belt and you’d be accessorized for life.
- You’d always work in sensible footwear.
- You’d never be expected to make the coffee.
- There’d be no need to play office politics; a hearty ho-ho-ho would remind everyone who is the boss.
- Juggling work and family would be easy. All your children would adore you; even your teenagers would want to sit in your lap.
- You’d never take the wrong coat on your way home.
- You could grow a tummy the size of Texas and consider it a job requirement of a funny Santa Claus.
- No one would ask to see your job description.