Doggonit, Give Me Some Directions that Make Sense

            I’m not good with directions.  In fact, I’d have to improve considerably to even be bad.  Useless terms like left, right, North, South, East, and West annoy me.  If people actually expect me to get somewhere, they need to be more specific.  “Turn off the interstate at exit 5.  Go the opposite direction you’ve been going and go three streets past Brookshire’s.   Drive just a minute or so and you’ll see a restaurant with the big cow in the parking lot.  Don’t turn there.  Drive to the next red light and turn on the street that turns between the WaWa and that hardware store with the inflatable lumberjack.  Watch for the ugly house with the silk flowers in the bucket of that tacky wishing well.  Pass it up, but now you need to start driving pretty slow.  You’ll see a big, old white house with a deep porch and all those ferns, kind of like the one Grandma lived in at Houston, the one where the woman living upstairs tossed her dirty mop water out on my head when I was sitting on the sidewalk playing. Boy, did Grandma have something to say to her!  Remember, it was just across the street from that big, old funeral home.   I just love those old houses, but I’ll bet they are expensive to heat.  About six houses down on the other side, there’s a little, blue house. I believe it used to be gray. If you look hard, you’ll see an old rusted out 1950 GMC like Aunt Ada and Uncle Junior used to drive, up on blocks way off to the side of the shed.  Remember how they used to toodle around with all those mean boys bouncing like popcorn in the back?  Anyway, our house is the yellow one with the big shade trees just across from it.  You can’t miss it. There’s a bottle tree out front.”

            Now I can’t miss with those directions.

61 thoughts on “Doggonit, Give Me Some Directions that Make Sense

  1. You started my day with a laugh, and for that I thank you. I much prefer your directions to those of maps, a GPS, or my husband because yours contain a story; and I can always remember stories.


  2. I read one time that directions about landmarks are more effective for women. Those are also my kind of directions. Heck, those are the kind they use here in India. You’d think all cities were villages. Drivers here even pull over and ask people along the street where places are. Even in post office addresses, you’ll see something like “across from the petrol station”, “above the State Bank”, “near the hotel”. 😀 — Suzanne


  3. I am definitely the “go south on route 9 and the East on rt 32 4.5 miles” kind of girl. You sound like my friend who once told me to keep going and going and going until you pass where there used to be a big tree….

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I prefer it when you tell that there is a McDonalds on the corner rather than the street name. I can’t function unless I literally see where I’m going. Whenever I’m going somewhere unfamiliar I rely on stores, restaurants, or something scenic to get me there. Thank God for Google maps because I would never find my way home. Whew!

    Not to mention, when I give out directions I will be the first to tell you it’s right near the pizza place across from the bar before I give any street names!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Love this. Sounds like my dad, but you have much more colorful descriptions. ☺ He never knew the names of country roads, but always knew of a shortcut we could take…just look for a white gate/brown barn/white porch with screens/big dog in the front yard, etc. We almost always got lost .☺I like reading a map…hate that GPS !

    Liked by 1 person

  6. There’s nothing like a landmark. Trouble with maps and GPS is that the places just don’t look the same once you actually get there, do they?
    I think the GPS appeals to my rebelious nature since I like to disobey it – no, that was NOT the way I wanted to go . . .

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I have a great sense of direction…in any mall in the world. I’m with you the rest of the way. I don’t know my right from my left or which way is north or south unless I’m already on the highway. But to tell you the truth, I have driven myself all over the world and make it a point to get lost at least once a day. That’s when life gets really interesting. I want descriptive images in directions too because I can’t see most street signs. When will they make them big enough to see in time before you’re are 3 blocks past them. I have a natural instinct on which way to go but like you and most women, we like landmarks as our guide. I’ve had GPS be wrong more times than not. That can get scary.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. mentalbreakinprogress says:

    Guilty as charged lol directions for me is more of an instinct….”I feel…it’s that way”….yet my fiance knows the city like the back of his hand…he uses all that right/left…north/south gibberish too lol it’s totally lost on me!


  9. koolaidmoms says:

    Lol. I think this is hysterical because I am the same way. No north, south, east and west or even route numbers (unless that is the only name for them). Around here route numbers are usually named streets too. I want the street names!

    Liked by 1 person

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