Aging gracefully, or Not

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'Push'n 50, but ya still got it!!'

‘Push’n 50, but ya still got it!!’

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When I was a kid, there were a lot of things I wanted to ask old people, but didn’t have the nerve. I’ll post some of them, since I have some “old friends” who have answered some of them for me. If you have questions, send them in and I’ll try to get some answers for you, too.

1. Do old people still have sex? Sure, thanks to pharmacology, if they can find someone willing, able, and blind or demented enough.

2. Why do old people drive so slow and park crazy? Most of them are retired and it doesn’t matter how long it takes them to park. Just be glad they didn’t scrape your fender on the way in to that space. They may have neck and back pain and stiff joints.

3. Why do old people dress so crazy? Why do kids dress crazy? They want to.

4. Why do old men grow hair on their noses and ears and old women get whiskers? All the energy that used to go into head hair and perky breasts gets rerouted when hormones play out. God forbid science extends life expectancy too much. We’ll all look like androgynous Brillo pads and be deaf as a stone.

5. Why do old people have such big noses and ears? Some body parts never stop growing. Unfortunately, this is usually limited to noses and ears, not something more appreciable. This big-eared looked is greatly enhanced by baldness and frizzy hair. The nose gets bigger to hold glasses up.

If you have questions, address them in comments. I’ll address them for you.

61 thoughts on “Aging gracefully, or Not”

  1. The “androgynous Brillo pads” line made me smile, since I notice that I discover new uses for scissors and tweezers at a faster rate year after year. Clothes and culture seem to move quicker and quicker over time, too. But I’m not sure if “accelerating culture” is just my perception. My son makes statements that could be followed with “kids these days!”, and he just turned 17.

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  4. Trying to answer as accurately as possible. Your first question. Do old people still have sex? Answer; That defination changes as you age and is updated ever ten years or so.

    2. Why do old people drive so slow and park crazy? According to the seniors I know, all of those drivers are from New Jersey.

    3. Why do old people dress so crazy? We want to be notices, when you wear your panties over your slacks, you get noticed.

    4. Why do old men grow hair on their noses and ears and old women get whiskers? Answer; It gives us something to groom.

    5. Why do old people have such big noses and ears? Answer; So we can breathe easier and hear better.

    I hope this answers the mystery of aging, You are all going to wind up this way so pay attention to the elderly, we are your history. And, for those of us that are still firing on all eight cylinders it a bonus. ☺☺☺

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  10. I live in Florida (also known as God’s waiting room). I’m convinced that if your younger than 65 in Florida, you never use your turn signal and then when you hit 65, you never turn it off just to balance things out.

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