Stupid Alcohol One-Liners Found on the Internet

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1. Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches. When you can’t get the straw in the hole you’ve had enough.
2. Alcohol doesn’t turn people into somebody they’re not. It just makes them forget to hide that part of themselves.
3. Life and beer are very similar …..chill for best results.
4. I’m not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, but I already have one.
5. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
6. If you drink too much alcohol you are an alcoholic. If you drink too much Fanta, does that make you Fantastic?
7. I don’t recycle because it makes me look like a huge alcoholic to my garbage man.
8. I’m not an alcoholic alcoholics go to meetings, I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
9. Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean…… on tables, chairs & random people.
10. My body is not a temple…..it’s a distillery with legs.
11. No! for the last time stop asking if i am drunk. I am not drunk! Who would name their kid drunk?
12. You say alcoholic, I’ll say alcohol enthusiast.
13. Take me drunk I’m home.
14. Anyone who says that alcohol is a depressant isn’t drinking enough of it.
15. When life hands you lemons, find someone with tequila and salt!
16. Dont drink and drive, it will spill everywhere
17. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
18. I’ve been told I’ve got A.D.H.D (Alcohol Drinking and Hangover Disorder)
19. It’s true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it?
20. Alcohol is never the answer… But it does make you forget the question.
21 c A man’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another drink.
22. My doctor told me to watch my drinking, so now I drink in front of a mirror.
23. “Relationship” has 12 letters but then again so does “Time For Shots”
24. Confucious says, “Man who drink beer all day, have Wet Dreams all night”.

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His Name was Mud

img_1579John had to be booted out of bed on schooldays, but weekends were a totally different story.  Always up before daylight watching cartoons, he wasn’t supposed to go outdoors before we got up.  Today, he couldn’t resist.  It had been raining for days, so the ditches were muddy rivers.  Adventure called his name as he helped himself to his dad’s rubber knee boots.   which were thigh-high on him, all the better to keep him dry.

He and Spotty, his little dog, were on their way.  The sticks he tossed into the swirling ditch quickly bobbed out of sight. Spotty leapt after one and had to swim for her life, finishing that game off for her.  John realized they needed a boat and constructed one of wood scraps.  Fastening it to his kite string reel, they headed back to the ditches!

Much wiser now, Spotty watched cautiously from the side as John launched his boat.  It bounced and twirled madly downstream.  He reeled it back in and set it off time after time.  Spotty barked wildly and chased it from the bank.

This was great for a while, but the boat really needed a captain. GI Joe might be a great soldier, but not such a great a sailor. As soon as the boat hit the water, it tipped and Joe went straight to the bottom.  John felt it was fortunate he was in Dad’s tall boots and could get Joe without getting wet. As he waded in to the ditch, the boots mired in the deep mud.  With each step, the mud sucked at the heavy boots.  His feet grew heavier, the ditch deeper, and the bottom softer.  After a few steps, the boots filled with cold water and buried deep in the mud.  John wasn’t going anywhere!  He called for help.  No one was out this early.  He was freezing by now!!  Spotty was running and barking, but that didn’t help.  Just before he turned into an iceberg, a neighbor kid who had also slipped out to play in the muddy ditches came to the rescue. He beat on his door, till I answered.

“Lady!  Your kid’s stuck in the ditch!!!”

“What?  It’s too early for kids to be out!!  It’s cold and nasty, besides!”  Just then I heard the caterwauling.  There was John, thigh deep in the muddy ditch, bawling his head off.  I pulled John out of the deep water, leaving the boots mired in the mud. Needless to say, John was more than thigh-deep in trouble.  Several days later, his dad had to get the shovel to dig his boots out. GI Joe gave his life for the cause.