Bud is fussy about his budget. He does a computer check on the bank account every morning. Our big dog, Croc eats a lot. That goes in the budget. What goes in must come out, so he poops a lot. Bud also likes to work that not the budget. “Croc pooped about a dollar’s worth.”
I’m glad I’m not in charge of accounting!”
A man and his wife enter a dentist’s office. The wife says “I need a tooth pulled. No gas or Novocain — I’m in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.” “You’re a brave woman,” says the dentist. “Now, show me which tooth it is.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.
On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. “Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?” Tom responds, “Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness — and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you’d stayed single.
Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons’ vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken.” “I doubt it,” said the truly proud Redneck. “Tonight I’m the designated decoy
A man is driving down a deserted country road when he has a blowout. Not having a spare he finally finds a house and asks the lady if he can use her phone to call for a tow-truck. As she opens the door for him to come in, a Three Legged Pig runs out. He asks “why does that Pig only have three legs?” She says that they had a fire and the pig woke everybody up and then went back and brought the dog out. He said “but why does the Pig only have three legs?” She said well another time my son was playing on the ice and it broke and he fell in and the Pig ran to the barn and got a rope and saved him. Again he asked “why does the Pig only have three legs?” After all the Pig did for us, it didn’t seem right to e
Q: What do you call a pig thief? A: A hamburglar.
Q: How do pigs write top secret messages? A: With invisible oink!
Q: What do you get when you play Tug-of-War with a pig? A: Pulled-Pork
Q: What is a pig’s favorite color? A: Mahogany!
Q: What do you get when you cross a frog and a pig? A: A lifetime ban from the Muppet Show studio.
Q: What do you call a pig with no legs? A: A groundhog. Q: Why was the pig ejected from the football game? A: For playing dirty.
Q: Why did the pig cross the road? A: He got BOARed.
Q: What do you call a pig with laryngitis? A: Disgruntled.
Daddy took pride in being strict. “Spare the rod and spoil the child.” He was certainly never accused of spoiling the child. Many times I heard him say there wasn’t a kid or an animal he couldn’t conquer. During his hog-hunting days he acquired a hog-dog he was incredibly proud of. Sutter was a black lab/Catahoula Cur mix. When sicced on a herd of hogs, Sutter plunged in and fearlessly latched onto the hog’s ear not to be dislodged until the hunter dispatched the hog. The poor hog couldn’t slash Sutter as long as he hung on to the ear. The dog was in the greatest danger of being bitten as he rushed the hog. Hog-hunting was dangerous for men and dogs. I’ve seen Daddy stitch his cut dogs a few times. He required stitches a time or two, but splurged on a doctor for himself.
Sutter worked cows with Daddy. One day, he chased a calf and pinned it to the ground where he held it by a mangled ear. Expecting a kill, he wouldn’t release it. Daddy pulled him off the calf, tied him off to a small sapling, and pulled off his belt to strap to him. He got a couple of licks in before Sutter changed his belief system. The enlarged dog ran Daddy up the sapling where he clung just out of the dog’s reach. At six-foot three and two hundred forty pounds, Daddy was imposing on the tree. It dipped from one side to the other as Daddy bounced side-to-side just beyond the snarling dog’s jaws. I wondered if somebody would have to shoot Daddy if Sutter latched onto his ear. After a few minutes, Sutter’s temper cooled and he wagged his tail when Daddy spoke to him. Daddy climbed down when Sutter seemed to have forgiven him.
Sitter was a very valuable dog. Instead of shooting him as I expected, Daddy took the reasonable attitude that he’d handled things badly. He and Sutter worked it out and the dog concentrated on hogs from that time forward.
Maybe I should have run Daddy up a tree.