The Milk’s Gone Bad

“The milk’s gone bad!  I put it back in the refrigerator.  You’d better check it before you drink it.”

”Why didn’t you pour it out?  I’m not going to drink bad milk!”

”Well, just check it.  I could be wrong.  It just smelled bad whe I tried to drink it.  I thought you might use it for cooking.”

”You can tell as well as I can if milk is bad. I don’t want to cook with it.  Just”…..bang.  Bud went on out the back door without getting rid of the milk.

The next day he came through with another freshness update.  “An apple in the fruit bowl is bad.?”

”Did you throw it out?”

”No, I thought you might cook something with it.”

”I never cook with bad milk and rotten apples.  I don’t cook maggots or flies either.  Throw it out!”

”I don’t have time.  I have stuff to do in the shop.”  He rooked the dogs and walked right by the rotten apple and the trash.  Does anybody have a recipe that calls for bad milk and a rotten apple?  I need to cook something special.

Joke

Bob, aged 92, and Mary, aged 89, decided to get married.  While out for a stroll to discuss the wedding, they stopped in at a pharmacy.

Bob asked to speak to the pharmacist.  He explained they’re about to get married, and asked, “Do you sell heart medication?”

“Of course we do,” the pharmacist replied.

“Medicine for constipation?”

“Definitely,” he said.

“How about Viagra?”

“Of course.”

Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?”

“Yes, the works.”

“What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antacids?”

“Absolutely.”

“Do you sell canes, braces, wheelchairs and walkers?”

“All speeds and sizes.”

“Good,” Bob said to the pharmacist.

”We need to sign up for our wedding registry.”

Uncle Albutt Part 6

Aunt Jewel had several nieces and nephews I saw from time to time.  Her sister Lucille, of the hairy legs, who was married to Daddy’s Uncle Dunc, had three daughters, Alma, Eunice, and Gladys.  I guessed Lucille wanted to keep to her family’s tradition of inflicting horrible names on kids including her boys,  Hambone, Mookie, Teeter, and twins Fats and Snake.  I can’t imagine how she settled on Fats for one of the twins.  They both were skinny as snakes, though neither bit me.

I was most impressed with Alma.  Mother said she was a tramp because she wore her swimsuit and moved the grass when a road crew was working in front of their house.  It made no sense to me.  I thought she looked beautiful with her bright red lipstick, blonde ponytail tied with a scarf, teetering along in high heeled wedge sandals.  The mower gave her a lot of trouble and a couple of the guys came to check on her.  Her sister Eunice came out in her swimsuit, but she was not so popular, probably because she was extremely thin.  Her suit bagged over her hips like a toddler’s training pants.  Alma got a boyfriend that day.  Eunice didn’t.  No matter, Eunice had somehow snagged a boyfriend named Moxy.  I think he followed her home from her carhop job.  Mother also thought carhops were trashy, dashing my career hopes.  I was impressed when Eunice got married at the age of sixteen and had a baby shortly thereafter. Eunice and Moxy were great favorites of Aunt Jewel’s, so I heard of them from time to time over the next few years.

Gladys was nearest me in age.  Apparently still under the influence of her religious, fundamentalist mother, her clothes inspired no envy in me.  Her hair was tightly braided.  She wore a dark, long-sleeved dress and brown leather oxfords I did not envy.  Her mother kept her busy, leaving her little time to play with me.  I helped her wash dishes and mop the kitchen so we could escape outdoors.  That afternoon, we waded in their pond in our clothes.  Gladys said her mama didn’t allow her to wear a swimsuit.  Afterward, I  wore one of her Pentecostal dress and flour sack bloomers while my clothes dried on the barbed wire garden fence.  I wanted to keep the flour sack bloomers, but mother insisted I give them back.  I never wore anything more comfortable.   We each got a quarter of watermelon from their garden that had been cooled in their well. Late in the day, the men fried fish while we chased fireflies in the dusk.

Uncle Dunc, became progressively rowdier as the evening drew on.    Though I didn’t know it at the time, It was my first experience with a drunk.  Uncle Dunc began playing wildly with us, chasing us as we jumped off the high porch fronting their house into the darkness.   I enjoyed the day tremendously, though sadly, never got to visit again.  I lay that deprivation directly at Mother’s feet based on a conversation I heard as we drove home late in the night.  She took a dim view off drunks frying fish and chasing her children into the darkness.  What a pity!  I thought I was having fun.

I later got the impression he was named Dunc because it rhymed with drunk.  Still makes sense to me.

 

Irish Jokes

An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space.

“Lord,” he prayed. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the Guinness and go to mass every Sunday.”

Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: “Never mind, I found one!”

 

Paudie goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one Guinness.

The barman lines up shots and goes to get the Guinness.

When he comes back with the pint, all seven shots are gone.

The barman says: “Wow! You sure drank those fast.”

Paudie explains: “You would drink fast too if you had what I have.”

The barman asks: “What do you have?”

The guy reaches into his pocket and says: “Fifty cents!”

 

Seamus opens the newspaper and is shocked to see his OWN obituary.

In a panic, he phones his friend and asks: “Did you see the paper?! They say I died!”

The friend replies: “Yes, I saw it! So, where ya calling from?”

 

 

Drunk Jokes

The drunk was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in, sir. You’re obviously drunk” The drunk asked, “Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?” “Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the copper. “Let’s go.” Obviously relieved, the wino said “That’s a relief – I thought I was a cripple.”

Dad was trying to teach Sonny the perils of alcohol. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in whiskey curled up and died. “All right, son.” asked Dad, “what does that show you?” “Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms.”

 

Fool me once……..

Tommy and Betsy lived just across from us when our son, John, was a baby.  Betsy and I had coffee a couple of mornings a week, and they’d been over for burgers a time or two.  Tommy and Betsy always brought beer, but we didn’t think much of it.   Their baby, Al, was a somber little guy who played quietly and never made a fuss.  I was amazed to see Betsy could easily put him down on a blanket on the floor and he’d nod straight off.  I babysat him a time or two while she ran an errand and hardly noticed he was there.  After napping, he’d sit on his blanket and play quietly.  When I put John down, he’d try to come over the crib rails, toss his toys or take them apart.  I’d have to check on him half a dozen times before he settled in.  Al was a total amazement to me.  He didn’t show a lot of personality, but he didn’t demand much.

Tommy and Betsy asked us to babysit while they went to a college football game. One Saturday evening.  They’d be in as soon as it was over.  Foolishly, we agreed, thinking we knew them pretty well.  Boy, were we in for a surprise.  Though Tommy and Betsy always brought beer to our barbecues, we didn’t intuit that they were gifted drinkers.  We put Little Al down to bed about eight, no problem.  Our baby was up to his usual hidings.  We expected Tommy and Betsy by eleven, then twelve, then one a.m.  They never showed.  Thankfully, Al didn’t care.  We went on to bed, wondering what in the world had happened.  Little Aaliyah woke up happy.  By ten o’clock, he was into John’s food, formula, and clothes.  I was beginning to wonder if they’d left the country when the hosts on the morning radio program launched into an amusing story about a drunken brawl at the football game the night before.  It seems  a tipsy woman thought another woman was flirting with her husband.  Wife A , the tipsy one, responded by moving over to sit in the lap of husband B.  Not surprisingly,  Wife B was offended and pulled Wife A out of her hubby’s lap.  Wife A, the drunk one, had a point to make, and slapped the offended wife.  Naturally, drunk husband A, came to the defense of his little tipper, grabbing the other man’s wife.  The fight was on.  The drunk couple was hauled to the slammer.

In the absence of Al’s parents, the story took on greater meaning.  That had to be Tommy and Betsy.  Eventually, the errant parents did show up to reclaim their son, probably after making bail.  They were battered, smelled rank, and their clothes hung in tatters.  Sure enough, they’d been the brawlers.  Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.

Anointing

John and Mary had been married ten years and had no children.  As a last resort, they called at their minister’s home one evening.

“We’ve been praying for a baby for so long.  We thought perhaps if we were anointed with oil, God might send us a child,” they told the minister.

“Well, it might work,” answered the minister, “but I left my anointing oil at the church.  I’ll just bless this Three in One Oil.  It should work as well.”

Nine months later, he stopped in to visit the couple, hearing the wife was at the hospital, delivering her baby.  “Congratulations, John.  I see the Lord has blessed you.”

“Yes,” said John. “Mary just had triplets.  That Three in One Oil worked just fine.  I am glad you didn’t use WD-40.”

Note: This photo is of unknown triplets in a family album.  I wish it had been labeled.