Best Jokes of the Evening

The University of Hertfordshire recently concluded a research project to find the best jokes in the world.Β  Here they are:
Best Joke in the world A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: β€œMy friend is dead! What can I do?” 

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: β€œJust take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.Β 

The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: β€œOK, now what?β€œ

Second Place Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. Β After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. β€œWatson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

β€œI see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

β€œAnd what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.Β  β€œWell,Β 

Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.Β 
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.Β 
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.Β 
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.Β 
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.Β 

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.

β€œWatson, you idiot!” he says. Β β€œSomeone has stolen our tent!”

Top joke in USA A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: β€œWow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: β€œYeah, well we were married 35 years.”

Top joke in Canada When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300Β°C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Top joke in Australia This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: β€œDoctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: β€œWell, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….”

Top joke in Belgium Why do ducks have webbed feet?

To stamp out fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?

To stamp out burning ducks
Top joke in Germany A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: β€œThat’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: β€œThat’s it.”

Top joke in UK


A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: β€œThat’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: β€œThe driver just insulted me!”

The man says: β€œYou go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Top Joke in England Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, β€œI slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, β€œI SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”

The other says, β€œGo home dad you’re drunk.”

Top Joke in Wales A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied β€œI don’t know, it all happened so fast.”

Top Joke in Northern Ireland A doctor says to his patient, β€œI have bad news and worse news”.

β€œOh dear, what’s the bad news?” asks the patient.

The doctor replies, β€œYou only have 24 hours to live.”

β€œThat’s terrible”, said the patient. β€œHow can the news possibly be worse?”

The doctor replies, β€œI’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

Also Rans Texan: β€œWhere are you from?” Harvard grad: β€œI come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.” Texan: β€œOkay – where are you from, jackass?”

An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, β€œWoof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: β€œThere are only nine words here. You could send another β€˜Woof’ for the same price.”

β€œBut,” the dog replied, β€œthat would make no sense at all.”

Two fish in a tank.

One turns to the other and says β€œDo you know how to drive this?”


What do you call a monkey in a minefield ?

A Baboom !


A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations, he said β€œit’s no good trying to outrun it, its catching up”.

The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied β€œI am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to outrun you !”

Which day of the week do fish hate?…….

And, saved till last, my own favourite .
Top Joke in ScotlandΒ  I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.

Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

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