Grandma and Minnie

Grandma and Grandpa lived next to Minnie and Amalie in Austin, Texas.  Minnie and Amalie had immigrated from Mexico fairly recently and spoke very little English, but that didn’t hamper their friendship.  Grandma and Minnie had coffee every morning, chatting over recipes, patterns, housework, and their shared garden plot..  It didn’t matter that Grandma spoke not a word of Spanish and Minnie knew little English.  They’d check out each other’s tomatoes, peppers, and flowers, chattering like nobody’s business. Though I was a small child when we visited there, I remember fondly that Minnie trusted me push her pretty, black-eyed baby around the yard in her stroller.I was so proud to be a big girl.

Sometimes I followeed Grandpa and Amalie  around as they smoked hand-rollled cigarettes and worked at some project in the yard or dug in the garden.  One day they made me a chair by nailing two apple crates end-to-end.  I sat in that chair as long as I could squeeze into it.  I learned my first Spanish when Amalie hammered his finger and cursed in Spanish.  Though I didn’t know Spanish, cursing in any language is cursing. I admired cursing and was always on the  alert for a tasty tidbit, since I didn’t get to hear it at home.

I was intrigued at hearing Minnie and Amalie talk, my introduction to a foreign language.  I’d jabber along, thinking, I was speaking Spanish, stopping periodically to ask Grandma or Minnie to interpret what I’d said for me.I wish we all got on with our neighbors so well.  We shared a lovely meal of Grandma’s greens, pork chops and cornbread and Minnes’s tamales and beans one special evening.  I didn’t care much for the greens, but I’ll never forget the bite of Minnie’s spicy tortillas.

That Explains It!

Suzy went to her plastic surgeon.  “You’ve got to do something about these wrinkles under my eyes.  They look just awful!”

“Sure, I can fix you right up!” said Dr. Jones.  “I’ll put this little knob on top of your head. Give it a little twist, and Voila!!  The wrinkles are gone!  Come back if you have any trouble”

Sure enough, it worked like magic.  Suzy was thrilled!  She was a new woman!  She looked like she was eighteen again!  Every time her face drooped a little, she gave the knob a little twist.

Five years later, Suzy came back to see Dr. Jones.  “You fixed me up a while back with this little knob to tighten up my wrinkles.  It worked great for a long time, but it’s stripped out now and I’ve got these big bags under my eyes.  What can you do about them?”

“Those aren’t bags!  Those are your breasts!  I told you to come back if you had any trouble!”

“Oh, then that explains the goatee!”

All His Idea

My son recently had surgery. He is recovering well.  That is not the story.  Bud and I came to spend a few days to stay with him at the hospital and help my daughter-in-law with their two Akitas.  Akitas are huge furry dogs who shed copiously.  Every day, there is enough hair on the floor to cover a whole new dog.  The kids just moved and still have boxes to unpack.  They have an aging vacuum cleaner that struggles with dog hair and has to be unstopped every few minutes to empty. Sadly, the vacuum cleaner implements are still packed in a moving box. I am the primary housekeeper since John is in the hospital and my daughter-in-law spends time with him and tries to keep their lives going.  That being said, I need a fully functional vacuum cleaner with implements. “I am going to buy a vacuum cleaner as soon as I can get to a store.  I cant’t keep up with the dog hair with this old vacuum cleaner and a dust cloth.”

Bud thought I could.  “It vacuums just fine.  You just need to unstop it when it plugs up.”

”It does not work fine.  Take me to the store.”

“I don’t have time right now.  I have to………” He mumbled as he walked off.  He clearly intended to avoid the store.

The next day, I went to pick my daughter-in-law up after her hospital visit.  She took me to the store and I got a nice vacuum cleaner.  All the comings and goings have been hard on the dog’s nerves.  The next morning,  DIL left me at the hospital and picked Bud up, after he’d spent the night.  When they got in the house, a horrible mess greeted them at the door.  Trash was scattered all over the kitchen.  One of the dogs had dragged a box of grits off the counter and stomped them all into the rug.  There was liquid dog poop smeared in the bathroom rug.  The dogs made enough mess between them to keep that new vacuum cleaner busy for a couple of hours.

After the storm, Bud remarked to DIL.  “I told Linda y’all probably need a new vacuum cleaner.”

How did it get to be his idea?

Terrible Dad Joke

A bear enters a bar and says to the bartender, “I’ll have a………… pint of beer please.”
The bartender asks, impatiently, “Why the big pause?”
The bear replies, “Well, I’ve always had em!”

Why did the can crusher quit his job?
It was soda pressing.

What did the full glass say to the empty glass?
“You look drunk.What’s a potato’s favorite form of transportation?”
“Gravy train.”

What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, they just waved.

Why should you never fall in love with a tennis player?
To them… love means NOTHING!

Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years at C.