Nurse’s Nightmare

Zdd do too Even though I’ve been retired several years from thirty year’s nursing, I still work an occasional terrifying night shift in my dreams. It’s always ghastly. Last night, I was working along I always did, trying to have my acute dialysis unit in readiness before the rest of the staff got there at 0645 am. I always suffered from the delusion everything would go smoothly if I had everything in perfect readiness. It seldom proved true.

At any rate, as I worked along, I just happened to notice I was wearing shorts and flip flops instead of the required scrubs. Appalled, I rushed to borrow a set of scrubs from surgery. Naturally, every person I met threw roadblocks in my path.

Nurse Ratched

Eventually, I found myself back in my unit, desperate over the late start. Once there, instead of the highly trained, caring, and professional staff I expected, I was met by a madhouse of crazed clowns led by Nurse Ratched and the psychotic nurse Annie Wilkes, from the movie, Misery. Patients were lying on the floor, falling out of bed, and dumped into trash cans, arms and legs askew. The macabre nurses blocked me at every turn as I struggled to rescue patients. The unit was littered with feces, blood, and filthy dressings strewn on the floor, a nurse’s worst nightmare.

If that weren’t enough, just as the madness peaked, the CEO of nurses marched in, leading a group from Joint commission of American Hospitals, an unannounced visit to rate our services. I’ve never met any hospital staff who don’t dread this. When I saw their stern faces, I realized I’d forgotten to renew my nursing license. The CEO gestured to an officer. “Book’er Danno”

I was so glad to wake up.

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Nurse Jokes

A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.

A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar. The nurse sits down and says, “I’ll have a Bloody Mary!” The doctor says, “Give me a rum and coke!” The anti-vaxver says, “No shots for me.”

The nurse told the new parents of a newborn. “You have a cute baby.” The smiling husband said, “I bet you say that to all the parents.” “No,” she replied, “just to those whose babies really are good-looking.” The husband again asked, “So what do you say to the others?”

“He looks just like you.”

Looking for Jesus

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the River.

He staggered into the water and stood next to the Preacher.
The minister noticed the old drunk and says, “Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?”
The drunk looks back and says, “Yes, Preacher… I sure am.”
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right backup. “Have you found Jesus?” the preacher asked.
“No, I didn’t!” said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, “Now, brother, have you found Jesus?”
“No, I did not, Preacher?”
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, “My God man,have you found Jesus yet?”
The old drunk wipes his eyes and asks the preacher… “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

Oh Captain

A pirate ship appears on the horizon. The captain says “Bring me my red shirt!” The first mate fetches the shirt and the captain successfully leads an attack on the pirates and sinks their ship.

One of the sailors asked the captain “Why do you wear a red shirt in battle?” The He responded “because if I am wounded, you will not see blood and will continue to fight as if nothing is wrong.” The crew was astounded at his bravery.

Later, twenty pirate ships appeared on the horizon. The men looked to their captain, waiting for the request that brought everyone so much strength. The captain looked at the horizon and said, “Men, bring me my brown pants!”

Here boy!

Paddy is extremely upset when his dog runs away. 

His wife says to him “Paddy, why don’t you put an ad in the paper?”

Paddy thinks that this is a great idea so he proceeds to do so.

Paddy hasn’t heard anything back from the ad in weeks when his wife asks him “What did you you put in the ad for our missing dog Paddy?”

“Here boy!”

Here, Boy!!

A woman walks into a psychoanalyst’s office and says, “Doctor, my husband thinks he’s a dog! Please help.”

The doctor pats the couch., “Okay, Buddy, hop up here.”

The woman quickly snapped back, “Oh no, he’s not allowed on the couch!”

If You Can

I love canning. It is so satisfying to have a well-stocked pantry. Canned food is the original fast food, but so much better than takeout. I can have a meal on the table in twenty minutes by opening a jar of canned beans or canned beef stew and putting a pan of cornbread in the oven. It’s especially good if you add a quick salad or cottage cheese.

I can everything fresh I can get in season, tomatoes, corn, berries, and fresh fruit. My pantry shelves groan under pickles,jams, and jellies. When the summer growing season is over, I cook and can dry beans and soups. Home canned dry beans are delicious and much cheaper than bought canned beans from the store.

Canning soups is such a savings and convenience. I can homemade chili, home made beef stew, and bean soups. As I write this post, I am canning split pea soup. It will be delicious with hot cornbread on a cold day.

Two canners chugging along

When canning soup it is very important to remember you must not use flour, pasta, or dairy products in your soups. There is no way to effectively ensure you have killed botulism in these products so NO canning noodle, dumplings, or cream soups. I I have any doubts about a product, I consult the internet.

Cannibals Capture Three Men

Cannibals capture three men and tell them they will be skinned and eaten their skin used to make canoes. Each is given a final request.

The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and he is poisoned.

The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes.

Now it is the third man’s turn. He asks for a fork.

The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork.

As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, “To hell with your canoes!”

Queen Envy

My mother, Kathleen, has suffered from Royalty Envy her entire life. First of all, Princess Elizabeth was born two years ahead of Kathleen, giving her an unfair advantage. Seeing Princess Elizabeth featured in magazines and newsreels in gorgeous dresses surrounded by her retinue fascinated and frustrated her. Clearly the young royal had done no more than she to deserve this sumptuous life. To add insult to injury, Princess Elizabeth had beautifully curled hair. Kathleen suspected it was a much coveted permanent wave.

One or two fortunate girls of Kathleen’s acquaintance prissed about haughtily showing off their permanent waves. Kathleen knew every penny in her household had a purpose, so it never occurred to her to mention her yearning for a permanent wave. Periodically, her older sister curled her hair with rag curlers, but those curls paled beside the beauty of a permanent wave. Even worse, Princess Elizabeth’s hair might have been naturally curly. What cruel accident of birth would bestow curly hair upon a royal child and condemn Kathleen, a tow-headed, child of American The Great Depression, to struggle through at least ninety-four years of lanky, string-straight locks.

Kathleen avidly poured over any mention of Princess Elizabeth in newsreels, news papers, and magazines, alternately admiring and envying the girl unaware of her existence. Every time she visited to outhouse, she read and reread a magazine article about the princesses, fully aware Princess Elizabeth wasn’t reading about her in her dainty water closet.

Kathleen excelled at the tiny school in Cuthand,Texas, sometimes helping her janitor father clean after school, aware that Princess Elizabeth was educated by governesses, later attending the finest private schools. While the princess attended soirees, Kathleen picked beans, fed chickens, and gathered eggs. There was definitely nothing privileged about her rural life.

As time passed, Kathleen had less time to devote to her rival who was now queen, though she noted with satisfaction her own children were more handsome and probably smarter. She was a bit critical of the queen’s style; too many pastels and over-large hats., though it seems she would have been pleased that something that obscured the queen’s curly hair.

Some things never change. I mentioned the other day the queen might be schmoozing with the heavenly hosts right now since she’d beaten Mother to Heaven. Mother remarked snidely, “You don’t know that for sure, do you?”

I knew she’d say that!