When I was a kid, there were a lot of things I wanted to ask old people, but didn’t have the nerve. I’ll post some of them, since I have some “old friends” who have answered some of them for me. If you have questions, send them in and I’ll try to get some answers for you, too.
1. Do old people still have sex? Sure, thanks to pharmacology, if they can find someone willing, able, and blind or demented enough.
2. Why do old people drive so slow and park crazy? Most of them are retired and it doesn’t matter how long it takes them to park. Just be glad they didn’t scrape your fender on the way in to that space. They may have neck and back pain and stiff joints.
3. Why do old people dress so crazy? Why do kids dress crazy? They want to.
4. Why do old men grow hair on their noses and ears and old women get whiskers? All the energy that used to go into head hair and perky breasts gets rerouted when hormones play out. God forbid science extends life expectancy too much. We’ll all look like androgynous Brillo pads and be deaf as a stone.
5. Why do old people have such big noses and ears? Some body parts never stop growing. Unfortunately, this is usually limited to noses and ears, not something more appreciable. This big-eared looked is greatly enhanced by baldness and frizzy hair. The nose gets bigger to hold glasses up.
If you have questions, address them in comments. I’ll address them for you.
Games to Play When We Are Older
Sag, You’re It
Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
20 Questions Shouted into Your Good Ear
Kick the Bucket
Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over
Simon Says Something Incoherent
Hide and Go Pee
Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Lying about my age is easier now that I often forget what it is.
I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
I don’t do drugs. At my age I get the same effect just standing up fast.
There’s one good thing about growing old. If you watch a movie that you have seen before but you do not remember it, you can watch it like its the first time again!
A woman in her eighties made the evening news because she was getting married for the fourth time. The following day she was being interviewed by a local TV station, and the commentator asked about what it felt to be married again at that age and would she share part of her previous experiences, since it seem quite unique the fact that her new husband was a ‘funeral director.’ After a short time to think, a smile came to her face and she proudly explained that she had first married a banker when she was in her twenties, in her forties she married a circus ring master, and in her sixties she married a pastor and now in her eighties, a funeral director. The amazed commentator asked her why she had married men with such diverse carriers. With a smile on her face she explained, ‘I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.’
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. “Pardon me,” she said, “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It’s just that you look just like my son, who just died recently.” “I’m very sorry,” replied the young man, “is there anything I can do for you?” “Yes,” she said, “As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Good bye, Mother’? It would make me feel so much better.” “Sure,” answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Goodbye, Mother!” As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. “How can that be?” He asked, “I only purchased a few things!” “Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again.”
To which the gentleman said, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will five times!”
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back — wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem? “Ma’am,” the officer replies, you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers. Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-two miles an hour! “The old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time, “the officer asks. Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”
“How was your game, dear?” asked Jack’s wife Tracy.
“Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad I couldn’t see where the ball went,” he answered.
“But you’re 75 years old, Jack!” admonished his wife, “Why don’t you take my brother Scott along?”
“But he’s 85 and doesn’t play golf anymore,” protested Jack.
“But he’s got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you,” Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. “Do you see it?” asked Jack.
“Yup,” Scott answered.
“Well, where is it?” yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.
The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?” The old man looks at the bartender through
Teary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper,
Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.”
The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?”
The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live!”
No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had
moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired.
Holding hands they walked back to their old school.
I t was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk
they’d shared where Andy had carved ‘I love you, Sally.’
On their way back ho me , a bag of money fell out of
an armored car, practically landing at their feet.
Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure
what to do with it, they took it home.
There, she counted the money:
Andy said, ‘We’ve got to give it back.’
Sally said, ‘Finders keepers.’
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood
looking for the money and knocked on the door.
‘Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag
that fell out of an armored car yesterday?’
Sally said, ‘No.’
Andy said, ‘She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.’
Sally said, ‘Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.’
The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.
One says: ‘Tell us the story from the beginning’
Andy said, ‘Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . ..’
The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, ‘We’re outta here.’
Dear Auntie Linda, My husband and I have been happily married for six years and have two-year-old twin girls. We are very close to our families. In fact, our parents babysit, so they have never even been in daycare. My husband has recently been offered the position of Chief Nursing Officer major hospital two hours away. This would be a opportunity. I am a nurse also, but with his pay increase wouldn’t even have to work, if I didn’t want to. Here is the problem. I don’t want to leave my home and take the children from their grandparents. We have always gone to church here. This is where our friends and lives are. Would it be a mistake to ask Joey to take an apartment in the new town and commute on weekends? With the pay raise, we could easily afford it. Hometown Girl
Dear Hometown Girl, Think really hard about this. I wouldn’t want to risk my happy marriage and my children’s family time just to maintain a home near extended family. Should my husband suggest living apart, I’d feel expendable. This could be a mistake that would change your life forever. Auntie Linda
Dear Auntie Linda, I work in a Womens Tall and Stout shop. I’ve seen a male family member shopping for underwear for himself in my store several times. He has waved to me. I usually duck out and ask someone else to assist him? I’d be happy to help him, but don’t really know how to handle this. What should I do? Puzzled
Dear Puzzled, He obviously knows you work there. Treat him like you would any other customer. Offer to help. Take your cue from his behavior. Auntie Linda
Mother accompanied me to visit a relative a few months ago. It was a route I flew often enough to get expedited security. I explained to security I did not want to be separated from my elderly mother. They saw her in her wheelchair, which she always requests for convenience. She immediately put on her goofiest look, which is quite convincing. Starting her Alzheimer’s act, she started firing questions at me and security. They rushed her through. Frankly, I considered abandoning her, she was making such a pest of herself. I was glad when we got out of security and she got back to her normal goofy self.
The blog of author Cynthia Reyes
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