Great Things About Growing Older

Games to Play When We Are Older
Sag, You’re It
Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
20 Questions Shouted into Your Good Ear
Kick the Bucket
Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over
Doc Goose
Simon Says Something Incoherent
Hide and Go Pee
Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
Musical Recliners

Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Lying about my age is easier now that I often forget what it is.

I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

I don’t do drugs. At my age I get the same effect just standing up fast.

There’s one good thing about growing old. If you watch a movie that you have seen before but you do not remember it, you can watch it like its the first time again!

 

Evening Chuckle

image image image image image image imageStopping to ask directions at a house at dinnertime, I was invited in to eat with the family. When I asked what they were having, I was told southern fried possum.
I suddenly remembered that I wasn’t hungry, but replied that I had always heard opossum tasted just like chicken.
The cook told me it should because it ate 13 of her chickens before ending up in the frying pan.

~~~~~

Sign seen on a Taxidermist’s window: “We really know our stuff.”

~~~~~

Seen on a T-Shirt:
Moosehead
A great beer and a new experience for a moose
~~~~~
The Old Man and The Beaver

A 110-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he’s feeling.
“I’ve never felt better,” he replies. I’ve got an eighteen-year-old bride who’s pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?”
The doctor thinks for a moment and says, “Let me tell you a story. I know a guy who’s an avid hunter. He never misses a season but one day he’s in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So, he’s walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him. He raises his umbrella, points it at the beaver, squeezes the handle, and BAM! the beaver drops dead in front of him.”
That’s impossible,” said the old man in disbelief, “someone else must have shot that beaver!”
“Exactly”, said the doctor.

~~~~~

Mumba Snake

A guy was visiting his friend in the hospital who was “all torn up.” “What happened?” he asked.
“Well, we were hunting the Mumba snake. It has yellow and black stripes. It likes to sun itself lying across a pathway in the jungle. You catch it by grabbing the tip of its tail with one hand and quickly running your other hand up the length of its body so you can grab it behind the neck.”
“Go on,” the friend said.
“Well, I sneaked up to the tail laying across the jungle path, grabbed it by the end, and rapidly moved my other hand upward … just as the procedure goes.”
“So why are you so beaten up?” the friend asked.
“Did you ever *goose* a tiger?”

~~~~~

Top five signs you’ve hired the wrong hunting guide:

5. Your guide blows into big sea shell horn to attract game and a bunch of Vikings show up instead.
4. Your guide is completely outfitted with “Barney” camping equipment.
3. As you close in on a deer, your guide whispers in an Elmer Fudd voice, “Be vehhwey vehhwey quiet.”
2. He calls trees by their first names.
And the number one sign you’ve hired the wrong hunting guide:
1. He is prone to scream, “Run, Bambi, RUN!”

~~~~~

Anyone who is mistaken for a moose and shot, is probably better off anyway.t

~~~~~

Did you hear about the guy who went elephant hunting and ended up in the hospital?
He got a hernia carrying the decoys.

~~~~~

What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer Nuts are around a dollar seventy-nine, and deer nuts are just under a buck!

~~~~~

~~~~~

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
“Where’s Henry?”
“Henry had a stroke of some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail.”
“You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?!”
“A tough call,” nodded the hunter, “but I figured no one is going to steal Henry.”

~~~~~

Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life. When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand.
When he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells, “I thought I told you to be quiet!”
Jerry says, “Hey, I tried. I really tried!! When those snakes crawled over me, I didn’t make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn’t make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said – ‘Should we take them with us or eat them here?’, I couldn’t keep quiet any more!”

~~~~~

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.
Before long their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, “OK, lets get out and get him.”
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, “The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?”
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, “The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?”
The guy in the front says, “Well, I’m going to start nibbling grass, but you’d better brace yourself.

Afternoon Funny

one one 2 one 3 one 4 one 5

Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Kentucky State Lottery?

The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.


money
“Daddy,” a little boy asked his father. “How much does it cost to get married?”

“I don’t know, son. I’m still paying for it.”


money
Talent does what it can, genius what it must.

I do what I get paid to do.

What is the thinnest book in the world?

“What men know about women.”


girl,bikini:5
What do you call a woman who works as hard as a man?

Lazy.

What not to say to the nice policeman:

I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.


policeman,shield
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?

The sofa doesn’t keep asking for beer.

money

Quotes of the Day

image

'Nope, there isn't any more to life. Hunt...gather...that's pretty much it.'

‘Nope, there isn’t any more to life. Hunt…gather…that’s pretty much it.’

image image image

'Socks with sandals? I guess Socrates' wisdom doesn't include a fashion sense.'

‘Socks with sandals? I guess Socrates’ wisdom doesn’t include a fashion sense.’

'Yes, I can tell you the meaning of life, but then I would have to kill you.'

‘Yes, I can tell you the meaning of life, but then I would have to kill you.’

imageQuotes to Live By

It’s not the size of the dog in the fight,
it’s the size of the fight in the dog.
– Mark Twain

These quotes capture the subtle and ironic nature of life. These are not slapstick funny quotes, but truly wise quotes to live by that convey their important messages indirectly through the use of humor. Mark Twain and Oscar Wilde, among others, were masters of using humor to make important points.

Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
– Mark Twain

Always listen to the experts. They’ll tell you what can’t be done and why. Then do it.
– Robert Heinlein

It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.
– Mark Twain

Life is too important to be taken seriously.
– Oscar Wilde

Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
– Dalai Lama

The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never of any use to oneself.
– Oscar Wilde

It is impossible to begin to learn that which one thinks one already knows.
– Epictetus

Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.
– Albert Einstein

Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open.
– James Dewar

“Help, I’ve fallen and can’t get up!”

Help! I've fallen and I can't get up.

Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.

Please don’t read if you are easily offended.  This is nursing humor.

My husband I are both retired RNs so we frequently spot errors in commercials.  The other evening, one of those frequent “Help, I’ve fallen and can’t get up!” commercials came on.

Bud watched the poor woman intently for a moment and said, “I know damn good and well she didn’t fall.  She didn’t piss her pants.”

He knows whereof he speaks, having worked on a physical rehab floor for more than twenty years.

Joke of the Day

funny-cartoonFirst woman in space: “Houston, we have a problem.” What? “Never mind.” What’s the problem? “Nothing.” Please tell us. “I’m fine.”First woman in space: “Houston, we have a problem.” What? “Never mind.” What’s the problem? “Nothing.” Please tell us. “I’m fine.”

GOD said, “Adam, I want you to do something for me.” “Gladly, Lord,” replied Adam. “What do you want me to do?” “Go down into the valley.” “What’’s a valley?” asked Adam. God explained to him, then said, Cross the river.” “What’’s a river?” God explained it to him, and then continued, “Go over the hill…”. “What’’s a hill?” God explained to Adam what a hill was, then said, “On the other side of the hill, you will find a cave.” “What’’s a cave?” After God explained, he said, “In the cave you will find a woman.” Adam asked, “What’’s a woman?” So God explained that to him too. He continued, “I want you to reproduce.” “How do I do that?” “Jeez,” God muttered under his breath. He then sighed and explained the birds and the bees to Adam. He liked that concept very much, so he went down into the valley, across the river, over the hill and into the cave where he found a woman.” A little while later, Adam returned and asked God, “What’’s a headache?”

The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, “You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly.” On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, “Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?” “Yes”, the boy’s mother answered. “And how is your son now?” the psychiatrist asked. “Who cares?” the mother replied.

A man and a woman are lying in bed, watching the ceiling and keep quiet. What are they thinking? The woman thinks, “He’s quiet. He doesn’t want to talk. May be he’s get tired of me. He doesn’t love me anymore. He’s probably got someone else. He will be leaving me soon.”

The man thinks, “A fly. A fly on the ceiling. Wow! How does it stay up there.”