Morning Funnies

image image image image image image imageA hunter stumbled across another hunter. Hunter 1: “Am I glad to see you, I’ve been lost for three days.” Hunter 2: “Don’t get too excited, friend, I’ve been lost for three weeks.”

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, “Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!” The man replied, “How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company.” The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room. About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, “Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company.” The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, “I think I need a breath of fresh air.” The man continued, “I work for 7-UP.”

A Texas mountain lion slipped across the line into Oklahoma to visit his cousin and couldn’t help noticing how sleek and well-fed his cousin looked.

“Hey Buddy, what’s your secret to eating so well?” he asked.

“Oh, that’s easy, cousin. All you gotta do is sneak up behind a cowboy and scare the crap out of him. Then you eat’im,” he answered.

“All right! I’ll give it a shot!” He took off across the plains and they didn’t meet up again for about six months.

“Well, I thought you be looking a lot better by now, but it looks like you’re ’bout to starve to death. Didn’t that advice I gave you help at all?” said the Oklahoma cat.

“Naw, it didn’t,” said the Texas cat. “I sneaked up and scared the crap out off ’em all right, but once you scare the crap out of a Texas cowboy, all you got left is boots and a belt buckle.”

 

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How to connect with Linda

Blog: https://nutsrok.wordpress.com/

Twitter: https://twitter.com/bethea_linda

 

Funny New Year’s Resolutions

image image image image image image image image image imageI resolve to work with neglected children. (my own).
I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, “LOL… LOL!”
I will not ring the stewardess button on airplanes just to get her phone number.
I will balance my checkbook. (on my nose).
I will think of a password for my computer other than “password.”
I will try to figure out why I “really” need 11 e-mail addresses.
I will go into McDonald”s and order a McSpreader
I will go into McDonald”s and order a McSlurry
I will find out why the correspondence course on “Mail Fraud” that I purchased never showed up.

The Best Medical Jokes of the Evening

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The doctor took his patient into the room and said, “I have some good news and some bad news.”

“Give me the good news,” said the patient.

“They’re going to name a disease after you.”

 

How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?

That depends on whether the light bulb has health insurance!

 

You might be a E.R. doctor if …

Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.
You say to yourself “great veins” when looking at complete strangers.
You have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say “I have no idea how that got stuck in there!”
Your immune system attacks a dog crossing your front lawn.

 

A seven-year-old girl told her mom, “A boy in my class asked me to play doctor today.”

“Oh, dear,” the mother sighed nervously. “Tell me exactly what happened, darling.”

“Oh, not much. He made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.”

 

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: “Doctor, I have an ear ache.”

2000 B.C. – “Here, eat this root.”
1000 B.C. – “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”
1850 A.D. – “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”
1940 A.D. – “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”
1985 A.D. – “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”
2000 A.D. – “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”

 

A man comes to the doctor desperate for relief from chronic migraine headaches. When the doctor takes a look at his medical history, he discovers that his poor patient has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. “Listen,” says the doctor. “I have migranes, too … and I’m going to give you some personal advice. There are no clinical studies to back this up, but this is what I do for my own migraines, and it works for me. When I feel a migraine coming on, I go home, take a nice hot bath and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand … especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex … and this almost always cures my headache. Give it a try and come back in six weeks.”

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a huge grin. “Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I’ve had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!”

“Well,” says the physician, “I’m glad I could help.”

“By the way, Doc,” the patient adds, “You have a really nice house.”

 

An elderly woman walks into a plastic surgeon’s office and tells him she wants a facelift. He says “Well, we have three options. The first is for $1000 and is guaranteed for one year, the second is $3000 and is guaranteed for 3 years and the last is $5000 and it is guaranteed for 5 years.”

The old lady says “Well tell me about the various procedures.”

The doctor says, “For $1000 I can take a few years off and smooth out your wrinkles, but you’ll need to have the procedure repeated year.”

“Forget that one,” she says. “What about the other options?”

“For $3000,” the surgeon explains, “I can do a much better job. I can take twenty years off your face, but you’ll still need a touch up every three years or so.”

“No, that’s no good either,” the woman complains. “What about the last option?”

“For $5000,” the doctor replies, “you are going to get the best facelift modern medicine has to offer, with a feature that is on the cutting edge of plastic surgery technology. I’ll attach a screw to the back of your head and if you notice your face sagging, you can come back in and I’ll tighten the screw.”

The old lady is delighted and has the surgery, but about 6 months later she returns to the office very upset. “Doctor, I want my money back!” she cries. “I look horrible! Look at these bags under my eyes!”

The doctor leans back in his chair and says, “Lady, you aren’t getting anything back. Those bags under your eyes are your tits and if you keep messing with that screw, you’re going to have a mustache.

Laugh Your Way with the Best Blonde Jokes of the Day

Blonde jokes – Memories
From the memories of a blonde: The first minutes of pregnancy were just wonderful…

Kitchen light
A blonde tells to another blonde:
– Do you know where the light from the kitchen goes when you turn it off?
– No
The blonde takes another blonde to the fridge and says: HERE.

Stuck in elevator
Once two blondes and a brunette got stuck in the elevator.
One blonde starts to shout:
– Help!!!
The other one:
– Help!!!
A brunette brings in an advice:
– Girls, shout together, it will be louder.
The blondes shout:
– Together!!! Together!!!…

Leaves
A blonde was raking the leaves and fell off the tree.

Waiting
Question: Do you know what a blonde is waiting for at the socket?
Answer: for an e-mail.

Blonde 2 Blonde 3 Blonde 4 Blonde 5
 
Driving in a car
A blonde and a brunette are in a car. Unexpectedly the car stops. The blonde asks:
– What happened?
– We ran out of gas, – answers the brunette.
The blonde replies with a relief:
– Wow, you know so much about cars. If it was me, who was driving, I wouldn’t have known to stop.

Cheating
Two blondes talk. One of them says:
– You know, I have cheated a taxi driver yesterday!!
Another asks:
– How did you do this?
The blonde replies:
– I paid, but I didn’t get in.

Marry
How to make a blonde marry you? Tell her that she’s pregnant…

Real story
Two blondes talk:
– Listen, your hair look likes a wig.
– But it is a wig.
– So cool, and it looks like real hair.

You never know
Two blondes talk:
– Did you know that this time the New Year will be on Friday?
– Really, I hope it won’t be on 13th.

Funny jokes about blondes – In the hospital
A blonde comes to a doctor and complains:
– Doc, please help: when I touch my head – it hurts, when I touch my belly – it hurts, when I touch my leg – it hurts…
Well here’s the problem.  Your finger is broken.

 
Funny blonde jokes – at the edge of a hill
A brunette, a red-haired and a blonde comes to an edge of a hill. The rule is: if you lie, you fall off the hill.
A brunette says: – I think I’m the most beautiful… And she falls off the hill.
A red-haired says: – I think I’m the most clever… And she falls off the hill.
A blonde says: I think… And she falls off the hill.

Funny blonde jokes – Together
Two blondes go into a toilet and they both got locked in.
The first shouts:
– Help, help!
The second one suggests:
– Let’s shout together.
Now they both shout:
– Together, together…

Funny blonde jokes – Occupation
How can you keep a blonde girl interested for hours:
Give her a sheet of paper and write on both sides: “Look on the other side”.

Funny blonde jokes – Driving test
A blonde comes to driving practice test. She gets into the car and immediately the instructor says:
– You have failed.
Blonde:
– But why, I have just got into the car.
Instructor:
– Yes, but you sat on the back seat.

Funny blonde jokes – Swimming
There were three people stranded on an island: a brunette, a redhead and a
blonde. The brunette looked over the water to mainland and estimated about 20
miles to shore. So she announced, “I’m going to try to swim to shore.” So she
swam out 5 miles, and got really tired. She swam out 10 miles from the island,
and she was so tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead said to herself, “I wonder if she made it. I guess it’s better to try to  get to the mainland than stayed here and starve.” So she attempts to swim out.
The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she was so tired to go on, so she drowned.

So the blonde thought to herself, “I wonder if they made it! I think I’d better try to make it, too. “So she swan out 5 miles,10 miles,15 miles, and finally 19 miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, “I’m too tired to go on! “So she swam back.

Funny blonde jokes – A microwave
A blonde went to an appliance store sale and found a bargain. “I would like to buy this TV,” she told the salesman.
“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, “I would like to buy this TV.”
“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.
“Damn, he recognized me, ” she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time: a brown curly wig, big baggy clothes, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before she approached the salesman again and said, “I would like to buy this TV.”
“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, “How do you know I’m a blonde?”
“Because that’s a microwave,” he replied.

Funny blonde jokes – Spots
A blonde went to a doctor and complained, “I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.”
The physician scratched his head, “Have you seen an ophthalmologist?”
“No,” she said, “just spots.”

Funny blonde jokes – Logics
Two blondes sail with the boat. Suddenly, the hole appeared in the boat. The first blonde starts to panic, and another says: – Do not worry, I’ll make a second hole through which the water will run out

Best Birthday Jokes of the Day

Birthday1 birthday2 birthday3birthday2birthday3I much prefer being over the hill to being under it. – Bruce Lansky

 

The best birthdays of all are those that haven’t arrived yet…

 

Did you hear about the time Eddy’s sister tried to make a birthday cake? The candles melted in the oven.

 

Growing old is inevitable. Growing up is optional.

 

It’s not about age, it’s about attitude.

 

When I was a child my family was so poor that the only thing I got on my birthday was a year older.

 

It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present. “Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”. That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.

 

If there are 23 people in a room, there’s a 50% chance that two of them will share a birthday (it’s been proven mathematically).

 

What did George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common? They were all born on holidays.

 

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

 

A well adjusted woman is one who not only knows what she wants for her birthday, but even knows what she’s going to exchange it for.

 

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. – Lucille Ball

 

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened. – Jennifer Yane

 

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age. – Robert Frost

 

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

 

A birthday is just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun. Enjoy the trip!

 

You were born an original. Don’t die a copy. – John Mason

 

You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. – Bob Hope

 

Something happened to me yesterday that will never, ever, happen to me again. How can you be so sure? I was 10 years old yesterday.

 

It’s been scientifically proven that too many birthdays can kill you.

 

Very Best of the Evening Jokes Just for You

imageimage image image image imageSOME FEMALE BUMPER STICKERS

Behind every successful woman is herself.

Oh my god, I think I’m becoming the man I wanted to marry!
Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels.

A woman is like a tea bag … you don’t know how strong she is until you put her in hot water.

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.

So many men, so few who can afford me.
Coffee, chocolate, men … some things are just better rich.

Don’t treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
I’m out of oestrogen and I have a gun.

Warning:
I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Of course I don’t look busy … I did it right the first time.
Do not start with me. You will not win.
bullet
All stressed out and no one to choke.

I can be one of those bad things that happens to bad people.
How can I miss you if you won’t go away ?

Don’t upset me! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.