Adult Christmas Jokes
Did you know that Santa’s not allowed to go down chimneys any more?
Please note: this page features Christmas humour for grown-ups, and not risqué adult
1) Mike walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
‘Tiny’, answers Mike.
2) Snowman Jokes
What do you call a snowman in the tropics?
3) Christmas Presents
(Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present!)
5) Christmas Pudding Notice
6) Christmas Pizza Joke
7) Classic Christmas Joke
David remembers accompanying his father out shopping in the toy department of Macy’s one Christmas Eve.
Dad said, ‘What a marvellous train set. I’ll buy it.’
The girl behind the counter looked pleased and murmured, ‘Great, I’m sure your son will really love it.’
Dad replied with a glint in his eye, ‘Maybe you’re right. In that case I’ll take two.’
What A Girl Wants For Christmas
The Santa Claus at the shopping mall was very surprised when a Emily, young lady aged about 20 years old walked up and sat on his lap. Now, we all know that Santa doesn’t usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, ‘What do you want for Christmas?’
‘Something for my mother, please,’ replied Emily sweetly.
‘Something for your mother? Well, that’s very loving and thoughtful of you,’ smiled Santa. ‘What do would you like me to bring her?’
Without turning a hair Emily answered quickly, ‘A son-in-law.’
How do you know Santa Claus has to be a man?
Found on internet
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, “What are you charged with?”
“Doing my Christmas shopping early”, replied the defendant.
“That’s no offense”, said the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?”
Here, Will and Guy bring you some amusing correspondence to Santa Claus, Father Christmas, Pere Noel. We hope that these letters, which we have discovered on the internet will entertain you.
Carl Anderson has been Santa Claus for 28 seasons, at last he has revealed what we already suspected.
Kids can be hilarious and heart-breaking and he’s got some perfect tales to illustrate it write Will and Guy. Beyond the expected requests for the latest Barbie and video game, kids have whispered into Santa Carl Anderson’s ear their desire for world peace and their pain at their parents’ breakups.
‘Kids see Santa as someone they can confide in,’ Anderson, 57 informs us. One little girl simply wanted a chair so she could write in a “little diarrhoea” at her desk. ‘Of course she meant diary, but the misspeaks are pretty funny,’ added Anderson.
Children’s musings are often more serious, and reflect what’s going on in the news, or at home.
A boy pleaded for lots of toys for terrorists so they ‘wouldn’t hate us so much,’ says Anderson. Yet another little one, ‘…wanted money to help mom pay the bills because she worries so much.’
It’s not easy being Santa. I”s hard on the body and on the heart. ‘I feel for them a lot,’ says Anderson. ‘It’s hard when kids ask me to get their mommy and daddy to love each other again or when they want someone who is sick to recover. I tell them I can’t promise anything but I will make it my wish for them – and I do,’ he adds. ‘Santa is a symbol of hope. They know he’ll always be there and care about them and want the best for them.’
Please give me a doll this year. I would like her to eat, walk, do my homework, and help me clean my room.
Thank you, Jenny
Thanks for the race car last year. Can I have another one, only this time one that is faster than my best friend’s race car?
Dear Father Christmas,
I wish you could leave a puzzle under the tree for me. And a toy for my sister. Then she won’t want to play with mine and I can have it to myself.
Merry Christmas, Cassie
You can send me one of everything from the boys’ section of the Sears catalogue. But nothing from the girls’ section. I can’t wait for Christmas to come.
Dear Pere Noel,
Could you come early this year? I’ve been really super good, but I don’t know if I can last much longer. Please hurry.
I lost my list of toys, so please just send me the stuff that you forgot from last year.
Dear Father Christmas,
What should I leave for your reindeer to eat? Do they like cookies, too? My mom won’t let me bring hay into the living room.
Your friend, Sandy
I need a new skateboard for Christmas. The one I got now crashes too much. Band-aids would be OK too.
Would you rather I leave you cookies and milk or pizza? Dad says you’d probably like the pizza. Write back right away to let me know.
Dear Kris Kringle,
Please give me a tank, a jet fighter, 20 green soldiers, and a bazooka gun. I’m planning a surprise attack on my brother. So don’t tell anyone.
Mommy says that you only bring presents for the good little boys. That isn’t fair.
How old are you? How did you meet Mrs Claus? Is your first name really Santa? Can I be an elf next year? Who is your favourite kid? How do you fit all those toys in your sleigh? I have more questions for later.
Your pal, Pauline
Dear Father Christmas,
My mother told me to write to you and say thanks for the train set. My dad plays with it all the time.
And finally Will and Guy’s favourite:
I would like just one of everything.
Thank you. Nancy