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10 Reasons a Woman Would Want to Be Santa Claus

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Adult Christmas Jokes

Funny Adult Christmas JokesFunny Adult Christmas Jokes

Did you know that Santa’s not allowed to go down chimneys any more?
It was declared unsafe by the Elf & Safety Committee.

Please note: this page features Christmas humour for grown-ups, and not risqué adult

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1) Mike walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
The barmaid looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.

‘Tiny’, answers Mike.
‘Why’s that?’ enquires the barmaid.
‘Because he’s my newt’ concludes Mike.  
    (Will had to explain this riddle to me.  My newt – minute)

2) Snowman Jokes
What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A puddle.

What do you call a snowman in the tropics?
Lost.

3) Christmas Presents
Of the presents received at Christmas, one in 10 will be broken by the New Year, only 40% will make it to March and just a quarter will be intact by next Xmas.

4) Christmas SalesFunny Adult Christmas Jokes
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.  Handmade gifts for that hard-to-find person.

(Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present!)

5) Christmas Pudding Notice
Silver Christmas charms bring you good fortune. Silver Christmas charms bring you good fortune.
Potential choking hazard: do not use with food.

6) Christmas Pizza Joke
Good King Wenceslas phoned Domino’s for a pizza.
The salesgirl asked him:- ‘Do you want your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?’

7) Classic Christmas Joke
What did the reindeer say before launching into his comedy routine?
This will sleigh y

What A Boy Wants For ChristmasFunny Adult Christmas Jokes

David remembers accompanying his father out shopping in the toy department of Macy’s one Christmas Eve.

Dad said, ‘What a marvellous train set. I’ll buy it.’

The girl behind the counter looked pleased and murmured, ‘Great, I’m sure your son will really love it.’

Dad replied with a glint in his eye, ‘Maybe you’re right.  In that case I’ll take two.’

What A Girl Wants For Christmas

The Santa Claus at the shopping mall was very surprised when a Emily, young lady aged about 20 years old walked up and sat on his lap.  Now, we all know that Santa doesn’t usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, ‘What do you want for Christmas?’

‘Something for my mother, please,’ replied Emily sweetly.

‘Something for your mother? Well, that’s very loving and thoughtful of you,’ smiled Santa. ‘What do would you like me to bring her?’

Without turning a hair Emily answered quickly, ‘A son-in-law.’

Santa’s Funny OutfitFather Christmas Jokes

How do you know Santa Claus has to be a man?
No woman is going to wear the same outfit year after year!

 Ξ

10 Reasons Why a Woman WOULD LIKE to Be Santa Claus

  1. There’d be no more early morning decisions about what to wear to the office.
  2. No one would bother to ask Santa Claus for a ride to work.
  3. Buy one big brown belt and you’d be accessorized for life.
  4. You’d always work in sensible footwear.
  5. You’d never be expected to make the coffee.
  6. There’d be no need to play office politics; a hearty ho-ho-ho would remind everyone who is the boss.
  7. Juggling work and family would be easy.  All your children would adore you; even your teenagers would want to sit in your lap.
  8. You’d never take the wrong coat on your way home.
  9. You could grow a tummy the size of Texas and consider it a job requirement of a funny Santa Claus.
  10. No one would ask to see your job description.

Get In the Christmas Spirit Withe the Best Jokes of the Day

Maxine Xmas 2 MaxineXmas 4 MaxineXmas 5 Maxine xmas 7 Maxine xmas 9 Maxine 8 Maxine 10

 

Found on internet

 

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, “What are you charged with?”

“Doing my Christmas shopping early”, replied the defendant.

“That’s no offense”, said the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?”

Funny Letters to Santa

Here, Will and Guy bring you some amusing correspondence to Santa Claus, Father Christmas, Pere Noel. We hope that these letters, which we have discovered on the internet will entertain you.

A Real Santa Claus Talks About His Role

Carl Anderson has been Santa Claus for 28 seasons, at last he has revealed what we already suspected.

Kids can be hilarious and heart-breaking and he’s got some perfect tales to illustrate it write Will and Guy.  Beyond the expected requests for the latest Barbie and video game, kids have whispered into Santa Carl Anderson’s ear their desire for world peace and their pain at their parents’ breakups.

‘Kids see Santa as someone they can confide in,’ Anderson, 57 informs us. One little girl simply wanted a chair so she could write in a “little diarrhoea” at her desk. ‘Of course she meant diary, but the misspeaks are pretty funny,’ added Anderson.

Children’s musings are often more serious, and reflect what’s going on in the news, or at home.

A boy pleaded for lots of toys for terrorists so they ‘wouldn’t hate us so much,’ says Anderson. Yet another little one, ‘…wanted money to help mom pay the bills because she worries so much.’

It’s not easy being Santa. I”s hard on the body and on the heart. ‘I feel for them a lot,’ says Anderson. ‘It’s hard when kids ask me to get their mommy and daddy to love each other again or when they want someone who is sick to recover. I tell them I can’t promise anything but I will make it my wish for them – and I do,’ he adds.  ‘Santa is a symbol of hope. They know he’ll always be there and care about them and want the best for them.’

Short, Clean Hilarious and Funny Letters to Santa ClausFunny Santa Claus Letters

Dear Santa,
Please give me a doll this year. I would like her to eat, walk, do my homework, and help me clean my room.
Thank you, Jenny

Dear Santa,
Thanks for the race car last year. Can I have another one, only this time one that is faster than my best friend’s race car?
Ricky

Dear Father Christmas,
I wish you could leave a puzzle under the tree for me. And a toy for my sister. Then she won’t want to play with mine and I can have it to myself.
Merry Christmas, Cassie

Dear Santa,
You can send me one of everything from the boys’ section of the Sears catalogue. But nothing from the girls’ section. I can’t wait for Christmas to come.
Kent

Dear Pere Noel,
Could you come early this year? I’ve been really super good, but I don’t know if I can last much longer. Please hurry.
Love, Jordan

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Dear Santa,

I lost my list of toys, so please just send me the stuff that you forgot from last year.
Todd

Dear Father Christmas,
What should I leave for your reindeer to eat? Do they like cookies, too? My mom won’t let me bring hay into the living room.
Your friend, Sandy

Dear Santa,
I need a new skateboard for Christmas. The one I got now crashes too much. Band-aids would be OK too.
David

Dear Santa,
Would you rather I leave you cookies and milk or pizza? Dad says you’d probably like the pizza. Write back right away to let me know.
Love, Lisa

Dear Kris Kringle,
Please give me a tank, a jet fighter, 20 green soldiers, and a bazooka gun. I’m planning a surprise attack on my brother. So don’t tell anyone.
Thanks, Danny

Dear Santa,
How will you get into our house this year? We don’t have a chimney and my father just installed a very expensive security system.
Julie Funny Father Christmas  Letters

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More Amusing Dear Santa Letters

Dear Santa,
Mommy says that you only bring presents for the good little boys. That isn’t fair.
Brian

Dear Santa,
How old are you? How did you meet Mrs Claus? Is your first name really Santa? Can I be an elf next year? Who is your favourite kid? How do you fit all those toys in your sleigh? I have more questions for later.
Your pal, Pauline

Dear Father Christmas,
My mother told me to write to you and say thanks for the train set. My dad plays with it all the time.
Mike

And finally Will and Guy’s favourite:

Dear Santa,
I would like just one of everything.
Thank you. Nancy