Monogramed Toilet Seat

My mother often said, β€œIf you have kids, you can’t have anything else.”  Well, she was wrong.Β  We had a new toilet seat.Β  After installing it, Daddy looked around, stared us down, and threatened.Β  β€œI’d better not see anybody’s initials on this seat!”  Where did that come from?Β  I’d never heard of anybody putting initials on a toilet seat.

I went about my business, that toilet seat and Β initials, foremost on my mind.Β  I wrote LDS in my “Night Before Christmas” book, LDS in the sand under the big shade tree, scooped up some mud and wrote LDS on the dog house. Still unsatisfied, I heated the ice pick on a stove burner and burned LDS on a green Tupperware tumbler.

Feeling strangely unfulfilled and restless, I couldn’t think of a thing to do.Β  Billy was off somewhere playing with Froggy.Β  Mother and the baby were taking a nap, so if I stayed in the house, I had to be quiet.Β  I slipped in the kitchen to see if there was any Kool Aid miraculously left in the pitcher.Β  No luck. Dejected, I went to the bathroom.

There it was calling to me, pristine in its unblemished beauty.Β  The new toilet seat!!!Β  I sat down, my bare bottom luxuriating in its cool smoothness. I got up, locked the door, and turned the seat up. Making sure no one was looking through the window, I got Mother’s eyebrow pencil out of the medicine cabinet and wrote LDS in tiny letters where no one would ever see it.Β  Terrified, I erased my crime.Β  The finish was dull from pencil smears. My heart pounded!Β  I was caught!Β  I got tissue and buffed it off.Β  Thank goodness the shine was back.Β  Relieved, I sat on the side of the bathtub to catch my breath.Β  A nail fell out of my pocket and clattered to the bottom of the tub.Β  Never has the devil so possessed a soul.Β  Grasping the nail, I scratched BRS, Billy’s initials, on the toilet seat.Β  Horrified, at the enormity of my crime, I tiptoed past the room where Mother and the baby still slept.Β  By this time, Billy and Froggy had gotten back.Β  We were throwing mud balls at each other when I heard a shriek from the house.Β  β€œBILLY RAY SWAIN!!Β  You come here this minute!”  I didn’t need to go in to know what was wrong.Β  I heard β€œSpat! Spat! Spat!” and in a few minutes he was out, still snuffling.

β€œWhat happened?”

β€œMother whooped me for putting my initials on the toilet seat. I told her I didn’t know how to write but she said, β€˜Who else would put your initials on the toilet seat?’ β€œ

How longΒ could it be before she found the Tupperware?

Kids