Laugh Your Way With the Best Work Jokes of the Day

coathanger 2coathanger4coathanger3coathanger5coathanger6coathanger 7coathanger8coathanger9coathanger9coathanger10coathanger11Competitive Salary-Paying you less than our competitions.
Join our Fast Paced Team-We expect you to know everything so we don’t train you.
Casual Work Atmosphere-We don’t pay you enough to dress you up
Must be Deadline Oriented-You are 6 months behind on your first day.
Duties Will Vary-Anyone in the Office can boss you around
Must have an eye for detail-We have no quality control

Prison-8’x10’ Cell

Work-6’x8’ Cubicle

Prison-3 meals a day

Work-1 meal and you have to pay for that one

Prison-Guards Unlock and Lock the doors for you

Work-You have to do it yourself

Prison-Friends and Family can visit you

The company’s management team put their heads together to decide how to reduce the high employee turnover rate. “They spend their first six or eight weeks learning our system, then they join another company,” complained one executive. “Yes, but doesn’t that at least speak highly of our training program?” chirped an optimistic colleague.

An ironworker nonchalantly walked the narrow beam fifteen floors above the city sidewalk. Though strong winds were blowing a heavy rain, the worker showed no fear whatever. When he came down to the sidewalk, a man who had been watching him from ground level went over to him and said, “I was really impressed watching you up there. You were so calm. How did you get a job like this?” “Well, as a matter of fact,” replied the ironworker, “I used to drive a school bus, until my nerves gave out

A painter accepted the task of painting a church steeple. He had 10 gallons of white paint. Half way down the steeple he had already used 6.5 gallons. He made sure no one was looking and then diluted the remaining paint with paint thinner.

He finished the job, cleaned his brush and rollers, and looked up to see that there were two distinct colors of white on the steeple.

“Oh, no!” he exclaimed, “What can I do now?”

A clap of thunder roared above him, and a booming voice was heard saying, “Repaint! And stop your thinning!”

A suggestion from a Human Resources Manager:

HOW TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES . . .

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Then analyze the situation:
a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.
m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.

Joke of the Day

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One fine day, Nate the Snake was slithering through the forest when he came upon a level on a tree. The lever said “IF YOU PULL THIS LEVER, THE WORLD WILL END”. Now, Nate was a curious fellow, but was smart enough to know not to pull the lever. So, he decided to make it his duty to stand by the lever and warn the other animals that came by of the danger, since he knew most of them weren’t as smart.
The day wore on, and animal after animal came and went. Each one wanted to pull the lever, but Nate warned them of the danger.
Soon, the day drew to a close, and Nate began slithering toward his home, when an eighteen wheeler sped by, and upset an area of several large boulders that was very close to the tree.
One broke away, and began speeding toward the tree in such a way that it would hit the lever and end the world if it was not stopped. But no large animal was there to help, and Nate knew what he had to do.
Nate curled himself up into a tight little coil in the boulder’s path, bracing himself. The boulder struck him and killed him, but avoided the lever and the tree, and the world was saved.
This story just goes to show you – Better Nate than lever.

 

“Oh, please excuse me!” said the bunny. “I didn’t mean to trip over you, but I’m blind and couldn’t see you there.”
“That’s perfectly all right,” replied the snake. “It was MY fault. I didn’t mean to trip you, but I’m blind too, and I didn’t see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?”
“Well, I really don’t know,” said the bunny. “Since I’m blind, I’ve never seen myself. Perhaps you could examine me and then we’ll both know?”So the snake felt the bunny all over and said, “Well, you’re soft and cuddly; you have long silky ears, a fluffy little tail and a twitchy little nose… you must be a BUNNY RABBIT!” [The little blind bunny was so pleased at this that he danced with joy.] The bunny said, “I can’t thank you enough. What kind of animal are you, sir?”
The snake said he didn’t know, for the same reason. The bunny agreed to examine him, and when he finished the snake asked, “So, what kind of animal am I?”
The bunny said, “You’re hard, you’re cold, you’re slimy, and you haven’t got any balls – you must be a lawyer.”

 

Impaired Vision
An old snake went to his doctor and told him, “Doc, I think I need something for my eyes. I don’t seem to see very well nowadays.”
The doctor fixed him up with a pair of glasses and told him to return in a couple of weeks for a check up.
When he returned two weeks later, the doctor asked him how his vision was since he had the new glasses.
“Great,” replied the snake. “Only problem is, now I’m very depressed.”
“Why are you depressed?” asked the doctor. “Didn’t the glasses help?”
“Oh, the glasses are great, doc,” replied the snake. “The problem is, when I got home with them, I realized I’ve been sleeping with a garden hose for the past couple of years.

 

 

Joke of the Day

Turkey 10turkey 9

Turkey Day: 'I wanna leg!' 'I want dressing!' 'I want the light meat!'

Turkey Day: ‘I wanna leg!’ ‘I want dressing!’ ‘I want the light meat!’

Turkey 7turkey 6turkey 5Turkey 4turkey 3turkey 2turkey

 

What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son?
If your papa could see you now, he’d turn over in his gravy!

Asked to write a composition entitled, “What I’m thankful for on Thanksgiving,”
little Timothy wrote, “I am thankful that I’m not a turkey.”

 

  • The Constitution only guarantees the American people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself. Benjamin Franklin
  • The Pilgrims made seven times more graves than huts. No Americans have been more impoverished than these who, nevertheless, set aside a day of thanksgiving.  H.U. Westermayer
  • There are only two ways to live your life.  One is as though nothing is a miracle.  The other is as if everything is. Albert Einstein
  • You can only govern men by serving them. The rule is without exception. Victor Kiam
  • I don’t have a solution, but I certainly admire the problem.  Ashleigh Brilliant
  • There are three faithful friends, an old wife, an old dog, and ready money. Benjaminn Franklin
  • Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad. Norm Papernick

Joke of the Day

winning7winning 6winning5winning 4winning 3winning 2WinningThe Doctor was puzzled ‘I’m very sorry Mr O’Flaherty, but I can’t diagnose your trouble. I think it must be drink.’

‘Don’t worry about it Dr Cullen, I’ll come back when you’re sober.’ said O’ Flaherty.

More Examples of a Funny Irish One-Liners

  • Where were you going when I saw you coming back?
  • I ran after you, but when I caught up to you you’d gone.
  • ‘What’s wrong with Murphy?’ asked Father Green. ‘I don’t know, Father. Yesterday he swallowed a spoon and he hasn’t stirred since,’ said Mrs Murphy.
  • ‘How far is it to the next village?’ asked the American tourist. ‘It’s about seven miles,’ guessed the farmer. ‘But it’s only five if you run!’
  • ‘I’m the unluckiest person in the whole world,’ moaned Betty McGrath. ‘I bought a non-stick pan and can’t get the label off.’
  • ‘I’d like some nails,’ Mick requested of the ravelling tinker. ‘How long would you like them?’ asked the man. ‘Forever, if that’s all right with you,’ said Mick.
  • ‘The baby is just like his father,’ said Mary Quinn. ‘But at least he’s got his health!’
  • ‘I was going to give him a nasty look but he already had one!’Funny Irish Jokes

Things that only the illogical Irish would say:

  1. ‘You three are a right pair if ever I saw one!’
  2. ‘How come every time you ring a wrong number it’s never engaged?’
  3. ‘Spread out in a bunch.’
  4. ‘Hello, Mary, how’s your new false teeth?’ asked Bridget. ‘I’m leaving them out till I get used to them!’ said Mary.

Joke of the Day

Sunday10

'If the Pope is pious, does that mean he's full of pie?'

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

Sunday 7

'I'm beginning to feel bad about skipping church for a cookout.'

‘I’m beginning to feel bad about skipping church for a cookout.’

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, “What was Jesus’ mother’s name?”
One child answered, “Mary.”
The teacher then asked, “Who knows what Jesus’ father’s name was?”
A little kid said, “Verge.”
Confused, the teacher asked, “Where did you get that?”
The kid said, “Well, you know they are always talking about
Verge n’ Mary.”


After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
“That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a
Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.”


Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting
together in church.
Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough.
“You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church.”
“Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
“See those two men standing by the door?
They’re hushers.”


A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
“If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
‘Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'”
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus!”


A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
“Daddy, what happened to him?” the son asked.
“He died and went to Heaven,” the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
“Did God throw him back down?”

Joke of the Day

image
Two Priests are walking down the street when a drunk man comes up to them. He says, to the first Priest,” I’m Jesus Christ.” The Priest replys,” No son, you’re not!” So he says to the second,”I’m Jesus Christ.” He says,”No, son, you’re not.” The drunk says,” Look I can prove it.” He takes the two Preists into the bar.
The bartender takes one look at the drunk and says,” JESUS CHRIST YOU’RE HERE AGAIN!!!”
A pastor was caught stealing in the church by a member of the church. This was the conversation between them
Pastor: Blessed are those who see and don’t talk
Member: For they shall receive their share. Amen

Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”
The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’.”
The third Catholic gent says, “My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says ‘Your Eminence’.”
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, “My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Holiness’.”
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, “Well ………?”
She proudly replies, “I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38″ DD bust, 24″ waist and 34” hips.
When she walks into a room, everybody says, “Oh My God.”

A Jehovah’s Witnesses knocked on my door yesterday, so I answered it and asked if he wanted to come in he said, “Yeah, okay.”
I said I’m just making a cup of tea do you want one? He said, “Yeah, sure.”
I said I’ve just made some toast do you want a slice? He said, “Yeah, why not.”
I then he sat down and I asked him, “So what now?” He said, “I don’t know I’ve never got this far before!”
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There’s a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. “Father, forgive me, for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”
The priest replies: “Get out. You’re on my side.”

Joke of the Day

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Unwanted Guests

It was at a party and the host was getting worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments. She was sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn’t know how to tell which ones were the crashers. Then her husband got an idea….
He turned to the crowd of guests and said “Will those who are from the brides side of the family stand up please?” About twenty people stood.Then he asked ” Will those who are from the groom side of the family stand up as well?” about twenty five people stood up. Then He smiled and said



“Will all those who stood please leave, this is a birthday party”.

“Cash, check or charge?” I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.
“Do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.
“No,” she replied. “But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him.”

Married Couple

At my granddaughter’s wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and I. The DJ asked us, “What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?”
I said, “The three most important words in a marriage are, ‘You’re probably right.’”
Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, “She’s probably right.”

Counseling

A couple were having marital problems. They decided to do the right thing and contacted a marriage counselor.
Several visits followed when lots of questions were asked and lots of listening carried out. Eventually the counselor felt that he had discovered the main problem. He stood up, went over to the wife and asking her to stand up, he gave her a big hug.
He turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs, at least once every day.”
The husband frowned, considered what had been said for a moment, then replied, “OK, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?”