Joke of the Day

A blonde was waiting for her bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn’t!

So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time a big burly man that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned to the would-be hero screeching at him “How dare you touch me!! I don’t even know who you are!”

At this, the big guy drawled, “Well ma’am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends!”

26 Responses Actually Given in Court

Actual Court Sayings!

30 things people actually said in court

Question 1.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Question 2.
Q: What gear were you in the moment of impact?
A: Gucci sweets and Reeboks.

Question 3.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you have forgotten?

Question 4.
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: 38 or 35, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: 45 years

Question 5.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A My name is Susan.

Question 6.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximatly milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Question 7.
Q: Sir, What is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Question 8.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Question 9.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, Voodoo.

Question 10.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendent, were you red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes
Q: Did the defendent say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes sir
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Question 11.
Q: Now doctor, isnt it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesnt know about it until the next morning?

Question 12.
Q: The youngest son, the 22 year old, how old is he?

Question 13.
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Question 14.
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Question 15.
Q: Did he kill you?

Question 16.
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?

Question 17.
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Question 18.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Question 19.
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at the time?

Question 20.
Q: She had three children right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: none.
Q: Were there any girls?

Question 21.
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: yes
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Question 22.
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather eleborate honeymoon, didnt you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Question 23.
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Question 24.
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Question 25.
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or female?

Question 26.
Q: Doctor how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Question 27.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK,? What school did you go to?
A: Oral

Question 28.
Q: Do you recall the time you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Question 29.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Question 30.
Q:Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So it was possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brains was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

My Favorite Joke

I apologize for posting this joke again, but I just love it.  I am taking a page from Bud’s book.  When he finds a joke he likes, he nurture’s it, polishing it, perfecting it, and escorting it to gatherings to share with company worthy of its excellence.  That’s how I feel about Mithuth Thmith.image

The crowds had been packing the traveling tent revival every night that week, grateful offerings filling the pockets of the evangelist. Cure after cure was enacted in the sweltering heat of those July evenings. Emotions were at an all time high on the last night as the last two afflicted souls reached the evangelist at the front of the tent.

Struggling up the steps on her crutches poor Mrs. Smith hobbled up to the evangelist. “Heal me! I haven’t been able to walk without crutches in twenty years.”

“Yes, Sister! You will be healed! Go behind that curtain and wait with the others waiting for healing.” Mrs. Smith slowly and painfully made her way behind the curtain.

Johnny Jones was the last in line. “I have a lifth. It hath made my life awful. Pleath heal me of my lifth!”

“Yes, Brother! You will be healed! Go behind the curtain with all the others and you will all be healed at once.”

The evangelist offered up a long, heartfelt prayer for healing. Weeping could be heard all over the tent. Finally, he concluded, calling out dramatically. “Mrs. Smith, you haven’t been able to walk without crutches for twenty years, have you?”

“No, Lord!” she replied from behind the curtain.

“You are healed! Throw your right crutch over the curtain.” Her right crutch flew over the curtain and clattered on the floor. “Now throw your left crutch over the curtain.” The left crutch followed.

Thunderous “Amens!” echoed all over the tent.

“Johnny Jones, you are healed of your lisp. Call out to us in a loud, clear voice so all can hear!” demanded the evangelist!

“Mithuth Thmith just fell on her ath!”

I asked Bud for his favorite.  Here you go.

An old man was fishing the lake with his buddy when a funeral procession passed.  He stood up and took his hat off.

His companion stated.  “ I have to say, I am surprised at the respect you showthe deceased.”

The old man replied, “Well, that was a good, old lady.  We were married nearly fifty years.”

That one worries me a little.

Joke!

The guide dog led his blind master directly through a green light out into the traffic of a busy intersection.  Horns honked.  Cars crashed into each other all around him.  A good Samaritan ran out into traffic and snatched him to safety.  The blind gentleman reached into his pocket for a treat.  “Good boy.  Good boy.  Here’s a treat!”  He patted the air, feeling for his dog’s head.

“Are you crazy?  He nearly got you killed?  Why in the world are you giving him a reward?” asked the good Samaritan.

“I’m not.” said the blind man.  “When I find out which end his head is on, I’m going to kick his butt!”

Jokes

The young folks invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

“Goat,” the little boy replied.

“Goat?” replied the startled minister,  “Are you sure about that?”

“Sure.  I heard Dad tell Mom. “I guess we might as well have that old goat for dinner today.”

The minister dies and the congregation decides, after some time, that his widow, should marry again. Since it is a small village the only available candidate is the local butcher. Although very reluctantly, since she was used to living with a bible scholar, she accepts.

After the marriage, on Friday night just after taking a bath – the new husband tells his wife, “Look, my mother always said that before the beginning of the weekend it was a blessing to have sex.”

They do it and then on Saturday he tells her, “According to my father it is a blessing to have sex during the day before the Sabbath.

There they go again and when it is time to go to sleep he tells her, “My grandfather told me that one should always have sex on Sabbath night.”

Finally they go to sleep and when they wake up the next morning he tells her, “My aunt says that a Christian man always starts the Sabbath by having sex. So lets do it.”

Finally on Monday she goes out to the market and meets a friend that asks her, “So how is the new husband?”

“Well, an intellectual he isn’t, but he comes from a wonderful family.”

34     → Joke

 

Three of the Deadlies

Tragically, three pastors and their wives were killed in a crash on the way home from a conference.  They found themselves standing before Saint Peter.  Saint Peter addressed the first pastor as he looked in his book.

“Well, I see here you lived a pretty good life.  You worked hard for your church.  You were faithful, but there’s one thing I need to look into further.  Your love of money got in your way.  In fact, you loved money so much you even married a woman named Penny.  Just have a seat over there while I do a little more checking.”

The second pastor came forward.  Saint Peter addressed him.  “You were a faithful pastor.  You served well except for one flaw.  Your love of alcohol caused you some problems.  You loved alcohol so much, you even married a woman named Sherry.  Have a seat over there while I do some balancing.”

The third pastor turned to his wife.  “Come on Fanny.  There’s no use in us even getting in line.”

Fido Buys the Farm

Joe found his dog lying out behind his car, not moving.  He grabbed Fido up and ran him in to the vet.

Vet:  “”I’m sorry.  Your dog is dead.  That’ll be fifty bucks.”

Joe:  “No, he can’t be!”  He threw Fido in the car and drove a few miles to see Vet #2.  This one put him up on the exam table, checked him over good then brought a Labrador Retriever Into the room.  The Lab sniffed Fido, poked him with his foot, but Fido didn’t respond.  Next the vet brought a cat in and waved him over Fido.

Vet#2:  “Sorry, your dog’s dead, alright.  That’ll be three-hundred and fifty dollars.”

Joe:  “Now hold on.  The other vet only charged me fifty dollars!”

Vet #2:  “Yeah, but I did a Lab test and Cat scan!”

Afternoon Chuckle

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. “Pardon me,” she said, “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It’s just that you look just like my son, who just died recently.” “I’m very sorry,” replied the young man, “is there anything I can do for you?” “Yes,” she said, “As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Good bye, Mother’? It would make me feel so much better.” “Sure,” answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Goodbye, Mother!” As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. “How can that be?” He asked, “I only purchased a few things!” “Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again.”
To which the gentleman said, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will five times!”

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back — wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem? “Ma’am,” the officer replies, you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers. Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-two miles an hour! “The old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time, “the officer asks. Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”

“How was your game, dear?” asked Jack’s wife Tracy.
“Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad I couldn’t see where the ball went,” he answered.
“But you’re 75 years old, Jack!” admonished his wife, “Why don’t you take my brother Scott along?”
“But he’s 85 and doesn’t play golf anymore,” protested Jack.
“But he’s got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you,” Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. “Do you see it?” asked Jack.
“Yup,” Scott answered.
“Well, where is it?” yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
“I forgot.”

Try to Hit This Shovel

BubbaBubba and Boudreau were digging a ditch. It was hot. They were sweaty and miserable when they looked up and saw  Boss Man sitting under a tree, drinking a cold beer with his arm around a girl. It made them furious.

“This just ain’t right!” Bubba said. “I’m gonna have it out with him.”

He jumped out of the ditch and stomped over to the boss demanding, “Hey, this ain’t right. How come we’re workin’ like dogs down in the ditch an’ your sittin’ up here in the shade with a girl drinkin’ a beer and makin’ the big bucks?”

“Coz I’m smarter than you. Here, I’ll prove it. Give me your shovel.” Boss Man stood up in front of the tree and held the shovel in front of his face. “Now, try to hit this shovel as hard as you can.”

Bubba balled up his fist and swung hard as he could.  Just before he connected, Boss Man jumped back and Bubba hit the tree, full-force, busting up his hand.

“Now, that’s why I’m the boss!”  Boss Man laughed.

Bubba stumbled back down in the ditch, nursing a broken hand.

“What did he say?” Boudreau asked.

“Lemme show you,”  Boudreau replied.  “Gimme your shovel.”  He looked around, realizing there was no tree down in the ditch, so just held the shovel in front of his face.  “Try to hit this shovel.”