Turkey in the Bra

Most nurses have to work half the holidays.  It’s a fact of life.  That means, you’re also working with a lot less help on those days, not always the best situation.  Patients need the same care as any other day. Since Bud and I were both nurses, we just planned our celebrations around the holiday, not a bad idea, anyway, since our many siblings had other family to visit.   One Thanksgiving, I was the only nurse working in the hemodialysis unit, assisted by a technician.  I made sure my patients knew when they were scheduled, so their family could have an uninterrupted visit, hoping not to cut a family visit short.  It’s a bad idea for a patient to eat a heavy meal before a dialysis treatment, so I always encouraged them to have no more than a light snack, to avoid a vomiting episode.  Patients who eat a large meal are very likely to throw up during their treatment.

The patient I had scheduled for one o’clock just couldn’t resist the delectable Thanksgiving Dinner his family had brought from home.  He had turkey, dressing, green beans, and pecan pie.  After a preliminary conversation and pretreatment assessment, I asked if he’d had a snack before coming.  “Oh yeah, I had a little bite of turkey.”

I got his treatment started and all was well for a few minutes, then the truth came out about his hearty lunch, literally.  He started heaving.  The whole menu was presented, dessert first, since it was on top.  Pecan pie is not appealing the second time around.  Turkey and dressing came up next, followed up by green beans.  He filled his own lap and the blanket covering him, with plenty to spare.  As I cleaned him up and got him into a fresh gown, he served up seconds.  This time it was turkey,  green beans with a few bits of egg.  Fortunately for him, I caught most of it in a towel.  The rest splattered me. He felt much better with his stomach empty and went right to sleep.

I always had extra scrubs in my locker for just such an occasion. While the technician watched the patient, I ducked into the staff bathroom.  I peeled the disgusting clothes off, trying to avoid getting the mess on myself.  I scrubbed myself, but didn’t have a fresh bra.  I swabbed the drenched one the best I could with a washcloth, and put on fresh scrubs over my bra.   I knew I smelled sour, but there was nothing else to be done.

We finished his treatment, uneventfully.  Hours later I got home.  The kids told me I stunk.  The dog agreed.  He couldn’t leave me alone, burning to investigate the intriguing aroma. I couldn’t wait to shower. When I peeled off my bra, turkey and green beans tumbled out.  They’d left an imprint.  Bud was repulsed.  The dog was entranced, gobbling them right up.

Misery

Image courtesy of Pixabay

I am normally up between four and five.  I’d love to sleep later, but my eyes spring open like a cheap window shade .  I am desperate to be out of bed.  Yesterday morning, for some reason, I dozed back off. The crazy dreams started.  It was miserable.  I dreamed I was supposed to be at a mail-carrier job ninety miles away.  Every effort to get there fell through.  First, II couldn’t find black pants I had to wear.  Next, I had dawdled and not gotten ready.  I kept struggling, but one impediment after another held me back. It was misery, like trying to push syrup up a hill with a stick.  I was so glad to finally wake up.  This morning, I jumped straight up.  It was so much better.

Night Terror

My young John’s imagination was wild.  All through the day he was a superhero vanquishing monsters and besting villains, feared by evil-doers, all.  Sadly, even superheroes have to sleep in the dark. When he was quiet abed, he could feel them creeping out of the shadows, coming for him. Every night, I kissed him, tucked him in, and checked under the bed and in the closet to show him there were no monsters.  Switching off the light, I’d leave the door ajar.  Soon the light would flip on and I’d hear,a little voice at my ear. ”Mommy, I’m scared.”

Back  to bed we’d go,  me assuring assuring him there was nothing hiding in the dark.  Lather. Rinse. Repeat.  After a few trips, I’d enlist Bud’s help.  Eventually, fatigue would overtake his fear and he’d drift off.  I’ve never been a good sleeper.  Every time I awoke, I’d peek in on the kids to make sure they were covered and cozy.  One memorable night as I tiptoed in to check on John my toes squished in something cold and wet, not a good feeling for a dog or cat owner.  “Crap!” I said, an expletive and likely description of what was squished up between my toes.  I hobbled on my heel, toes in the air, driving a spire into the heel of my other foot.  Dropping to my knees, I landed on a firetruck.  Even in my agony, It was identifiable as a fire truck by the siren and flashing lights.  By this time, John was screaming in terror at the invading monster. Bud stormed to the rescue, flipped on the light, ready for action, only to find me me on the floor, PlayDo between my toes with a jack stuck in my heel.

It turns out, my adventurous  son had gotten up and constructed traps for monsters about his room. PlayDo  mounds were scattered about the carpeted floor.  Metal jacks, cars, trucks, and all manner of wheeled toys encircled his bed,  Only a winged assailant could have gotten to him.  Needless to say, it took a while to figure out what was going on and get the terrified little boy settled back in.  My throbbing foot kept me company till morning.

Really, Really Bad Joke

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller’s name is Patricia Whack.

So, he says, “Mrs. Whack, I’d like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation.” Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says “$30,000.” The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny pink porcelain pig, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she’ll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says: “There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral.”

She holds up the tiny pink pig.
“I mean, what the heck is this?”



The bank manager looks back at her and says,
“It’s a knick knack, Patti Whack.
Give the frog a loan.
His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

Chicken Joke

A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor and asked to buy one hundred chicks.

“That’s a lot of chicks,” commented the proprietor. “I mean business,” the city slicker replied.

A week later the yuppie was back again. “I need another hundred chicks,” he said. “Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming,” the man told him.

“Yeah,” the yuppie replied. “If I can iron out a few problems.” “Problems?” asked the proprietor. “Yeah,” replied the yuppie, “I think I planted that last batch too close together.”

Mean Folks

Like everybody else, through life I’ve had to deal with a number of mean folks.  Since then, they get improved billing as toxic people.  It works out about the same.  Some have been family who professed great love for me. Others passed as friends, and I had the privilege of working with some.

I wish I had been born knowing some of the stuff I’ve learned along the way.  For one, pay attention to your gut.  If you have a bad feeling about someone, be cautious.  We have  been trained to give people the benefit of the doubt.  There’s a reason people to make you uneasy. Animals don’t ignore their intuition.  Neither should we.  It is hard-wired into our DNA.

Protect yourself.  Anyone can make a mistake once.  Repeated behavior is a habit, unlikely to change.  Move on.

 

 

 

 

Tough Critics

We didn’t get out much when our kids were little.  We learned early on, if  people in our pay grade  had children, they didn’t  have much else.  What seemed like a fun and inexpensive hobby, turned out to be an expensive proposition.  Having friends over for dinner was about as far as our budget stretched.

One night we had dinner guests and sat the two three-year-old boys down with a plate of what I thought looked like delicious manicotti, a dish new to both of them.  Soon, I realized it was a big mistake.  My John was a champion talker and felt everyone needed his opinion.  Tasting  the sauce sauce and announced.  “ I don’t like it.  Can I have a hot dog.”

“At least try it. I answered.   “If you don’t like it, you can have a hot dog.”

He poked it with a fork and spiced meat pressed  out.  “I can’t eat this, Mommy.!” He yowled. “ “It’s got doo doo in it!”

After that, his little friend Neil refused to try it..  “This is delicious.” He stated flatly, laying his fork down.

His mom cleared things up for me.  “He says food is delicious when it’s disgusting.”  I knew when I was whipped and went for the hot dogs.

 

Best Jokes of the Evening

WORLD’S BEST JOKES
The University of Hertfordshire recently concluded a research project to find the best jokes in the world.  Here they are:
Best Joke in the world A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” 

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. 

The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?

Second Place Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip.  After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

And what do you deduce from that?

Watson ponders for a minute.  “Well, 

Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. 
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. 
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. 
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. 
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. 

But what does it tell you, Holmes?

Holmes is silent for a moment.

Watson, you idiot!” he says.  “Someone has stolen our tent!

Top joke in USA A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

Top joke in Canada When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Top joke in Australia This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….

Top joke in Belgium Why do ducks have webbed feet?

To stamp out fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?

To stamp out burning ducks
Top joke in Germany A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.

Top joke in UK

 

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Top Joke in England Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!

The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”

Top Joke in Wales A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don’t know, it all happened so fast.”

Top Joke in Northern Ireland A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.

“Oh dear, what’s the bad news?” asks the patient.

The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”

“That’s terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”

The doctor replies, “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

Also Rans Texan: “Where are you from?” Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.” Texan: “Okay – where are you from, jackass?

An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.

But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”

Two fish in a tank.

One turns to the other and says “Do you know how to drive this?

 

What do you call a monkey in a minefield ?

A Baboom !

 

A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations, he said “it’s no good trying to outrun it, its catching up”.

The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied “I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to outrun you !

Which day of the week do fish hate?…….

Fry-Day
And, saved till last, my own favourite .
Top Joke in Scotland  I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.

Not screaming in terror like his passengers.