SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.
WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How’d you die?
SYLVIA: I froze to death.
WANDA: How horrible!
SYLVIA: It wasn’t so bad. After Iquit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
SYLVIA: So, what happened?
WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
SYLVIA: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer -we’d both still be alive!
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”
My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”
Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?”
He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.”
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said “Stop! Don’t do it!”
“Why shouldn’t I?” he said.
I said, “Well, there’s so much to live for!”
“Well … are you religious or atheist?”
“Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?”
“Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?”
“Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?”
“Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?”
“Baptist Church of God.”
“Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?”
“Reformed Baptist Church of God.”
“Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?”
“Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!”
To which I said, “Die, heretic scum!” and pushed him off”
My husband,Bud,used to work with Jeb, an older fellow who was deaf as a post, but couldn’t be bothered with a hearing aid. Jeb followed the conversation as best he could, and guessed at the rest. In his younger days, he’d run a full-service filling station. Jeb was filling up a lady’s automobile one day when she asked if he had Resr Room. He heard whisk broom, not Rest Room “No Ma’am we don’t.”. He said, noting the dirt on the mat at her feet. “But just lift your feet up. I’ll blow it out with the air hose.”
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her; Do you know him?
Yes, she sighed; He’s my old boyfriend !
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.’
My God, I said; who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?
Then the fight started !?
This is the second day of my Three Quotes in Three Days Challenge by Brian at Vancouver Visions. Please check out his excellent blog. Instead of nominating specific bloggers, I encourage anyone who feels inspired to join in.
I had a cousin who was married to an eccentric fellow. From time to time, he would go way off the mark and Cousin Sue would set about straightening him out. When it looked as though she might be about to commit mayhem, he’d head for the hills, calling over his shoulder, “Don’t go crazy, Sue!”
Ever since then, when it looks like a family hothead is about to lose it, someone is sure to remind them, “Don’t go crazy, Sue!”
John was too lazy to work his farm. His family would have starved if the neighbors hadn’t brought them something to eat. Finally, a group of the neighboring farmers collected up and decided if John was too sorry to support his family, maybe they ought to just hang him.
They had him loaded up on a wagon to haul to the gallows when Charley felt guilty and spoke up. “We can’t just hang a man for being too sorry to work. I’ll give him a wagon load of corn to get his family through the winter and he can make a fresh start next spring. How about that John?”
“Is it shucked?” asked John.
“Well, no.” said Charlie.
“Drive on.” said John.
Agents selling funeral policies were a fixture in the rural South. Our budget was too tight for such luxuries, so Mother tried hard to keep us alive. Myrtle Harper sold policies for Jolly Funeral Home and Watkins products. She was a nosy do-gooder who carried sunshine from house to house, dispensing information about people’s financial situations Continue reading
The retired railroad engineer didn’t have a lot going on, so he got in the habit of going to the movies into the afternoon. In fact, in one movie the bad guys were chasing the cowboy in the white hat when the train came by and separated them, letting him get away. He saw that one nine times. When he went to buy his tenth ticket, the ticket seller asked him why he wanted to see it again.
“I’ve worked for the railroad for forty years. I know that sooner or later that train’s gonna be late and I want to see what happens.”