Afternoon funny

ad4I want to make a Facebook account and the name will be Nobody so when I see stupid crap people post, I can Like it. And it will say Nobody Likes This.

Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an iPad.

Google+ is the gym of social networking. We all join, but nobody actually uses it.
I’m going to change my Facebook name to Benefits.

 

Now, when someone adds me on Facebook, it will say: you are now friends with Benefits.

Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.
Facebook is like a fridge. Even when u know there’s nothing new going on, u still go on & check it every 10 minute.
Why is Facebook like Jail? “You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you don’t really know!”
Status I didn’t fall down, I attacked the floor.

I wonder what Facebook employees do to waste their time at work?
Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.

 

Afternoon Funny

imageimageimageimageimageCowboy jokes

The eastern lady who was all ready to take a
horseback ride
said to the cowboy, “Can you get me a nice gentle
pony?” “Shore,”
said the cowboy. “What kind of a saddle do you want,
English or
western?” “What’s the difference?” asked the lady. “The
western saddle has
a horn on it,” said the cowboy. “If the traffic
is so thick here in
the mountains that I need a horn on my saddle, I
don’t believe I want
to ride.”

Three cowboys
of the world are sitting
around camp talking about how tough they were
and the tales kept
getting bigger and bigger.
The cowboy from Australia says, “I wrestled a
200 pound crocodile and
may it cry like a baby.”
from Brazil shakes his head and says, “I killed a 400 pound
steer
with my bare hands.”

The Cowboy from Texas just smiled and kept
stirring the campfire with
his leg.
The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire

seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed

this he whispered to the cowboy, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only
allowed
one seat.” The cowboy groaned but didn’t budge. The usher
became more
impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there, I’m
going to have
to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned.

The
usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned

with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the

cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The
cop
surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy,
what’s
you’re name?”

“Sam,” the cowboy moaned.
“Where ya from, Sam?”

With pain in his voice Sam replied…. “The
balcony.
Q: Why
can’t the bankrupt cowboy
complain?
A: He has got no beef.

 

Back in the Old West three Texas cowboys were

about to be hung for cattle rustling. The lynch mob brought the
three men
to a tree right at the edge of the Rio Grande. The idea was
that when
each man had died, they’d cut the rope and he’d drop
into the river
and drift out of sight

They put the first
cowboy in the noose, but he was so sweaty and greasy
he slipped out,
fell in the river and swam to freedom.

They tied the noose around
the second cowboy’s head. He, too, oozed
out of the rope, dropped
into the river and got away.

As they dragged the third Texan to
the scaffold, he resisted, “Please!
Would yaw’l tighten that noose
a little bit? I can’t swim!”
Swint and Fess, two Oklahoma cowboys, were
resting their
horses out on the range.

“What’d Emmaline give
yew for yore birthday?” asked Swint.

“Pair of cufflinks,” said
Fess. “But I ain’t got no use for them. I
can’t even find anyplace
to get my wrists pierced.”

 

Who do
zombie cowboys fight?

 

Deadskins.
Cowboy jokes

Afternoon Funny

Valentines Day in the Animal Kingdom

Valentines Day in the Animal Kingdom

funny 2funny 3funny 4funny 5funny 6funny 7funny 9funny 9funny8funny 11Q: What do you get from sitting on the ice too long?
A: Polaroids!

Q: What’s an ig?
A: A snow house without a loo!

Q: Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman than a regular one?
A: You have to hollow out the head.

Q: Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce?
A: Because he thought his wife was a flake

Afternoon Funny

Mike the Headless Chicken (Rooster)

May 11 – FRUITA – While most communities observe Colorado Heritage Week with events dedicated to pioneers, the town of Fruita has decided to celebrate with something that only the Western Slope town can crow about. Rupert PumpkinMike the Headless Chicken Day on Sunday will honor a 1940s rooster who for 4 1/2 years strutted around, fattened up on grain and preened for hens – all without a head.

Mike lost his head in 1945 when a Fruita farmer, anticipating a chicken dinner, lopped off the head of a young Wyandotte rooster. Instead of croaking and getting sent to the cooking pot, Mike the rooster wobbled away from the chopping block and resumed his temporarily interrupted barnyard activities with the rest of the heads-on chickens.

His headless life garnered him spreads in Life and Time magazines and a listing in the Guinness Book of Records. He had his own manager and toured the country in sideshows with a two-headed calf. He was studied by scientists, who determined an intact brain stem was keeping Mike going.

Mike’s fame faded out after he finally died from choking on a corn kernel, but now headless Mike is in for a revival of sorts.

Mike the Headless Chicken Day will feature a 5K Run Like a Headless Chicken race, egg tosses, chicken jokes, a chicken lunch and chicken bingo, in which numbers are chosen by where chicken droppings fall on a numbered grid. There will also be music, microbrew competitions and historic tours of the town.

“To celebrate our history in Fruita, we wanted to have something light-hearted,” said Sally Edington, executive director of the Fruita Chamber of Commerce. “We wanted to celebrate this little guy because he was very determined to live. We like that.”

According to old accounts in the Fruita Times newspaper, Mike’s determination first showed itself Sept. 10, 1945, when farmer L.A. Olsen tried to please his mother-in-law while he was slaughtering dinner. Her favorite fried-chicken piece was the neck, so Olsen carefully placed his ax to leave as much neck as possible on Mike’s body.

Chickens have been known to flutter around for seconds or minutes after being decapitated, but after a few shaky steps, Mike fluffed up his feathers and went about his business in the barnyard with the other, heads on chickens. He went through the motions of pecking for food, preening his feathers and tucking what used to be his head under his wing when he slept. He tried to crow, but only a gurgle came out.

When he was still alive the following morning, Olsen decided he might be more valuable as an oddity than a dinner and started dropping grain and water into his gullet opening with an eyedropper.

When Mike was still alive a week later, Olsen packed him up and took him to Salt Lake City so incredulous University of Utah scientists could study him. From that time on, Olsen and a manager he hired were the ones running around like chickens with their heads cut off. They took Mike and Mike’s head, which Olsen had preserved in alcohol, to Los Angeles, San Diego, Atlantic City and New York City. They set up photo shoots with magazines and newspapers and kibitzed with scientists across the country.

Olsen also dealt with predecessors of animal-rights activists, who blasted him for leaving a chicken alive in such a state. They begged him to finish the hatchet job on the Mike. But Fruita old-timers remember that Mike grew and thrived and didn’t seem much bothered by being minus a head. Gayle Meyer, who interviewed Olsen in the 1980s before he died, said he described Mike as “a robust chicken – a fine specimen of a chicken except for not having a head.” Copyright 1999 The Denver Post.

Afternoon Funny

Law-Legal-Lawyer-Cartoon-052

'The important thing is not whether you did it... but whether you have enough money to prove you didn't.'

lawXmas-cart-2 lawyer-cat lawyerA divorce court judge said to the husband,”Mr Geraghty,I have reviewed this case very carefully and I’ve decided to give your wife $800 a week.”
“That’s very fair,your honour,” he replied. “And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”

A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented.

The physician said, “Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession.”

The engineer replied, “But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine.”

Then, the lawyer spoke up. “Yes,” he said, “But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?”

“You seem to be in some distress,” said the kindly judge to the witness. “Is anything the matter?”
“Well, your Honour,” said the witness, “I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects.”

To help someone before they commit a crime means you are their
accomplice.
To help someone after they commit a crime means you are their attorney.

 

A lawyer died and was standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “you can’t come in here… you have to go to the other place”. But the lawyer was really good and pleaded his case to the point where St. Peter said, “OK… here’s what I’ll do. You will spend the same amount of time in hell as you did on earth, and then you can spend the rest of eternity up here.” The lawyer figured this wasn’t too bad of a deal, so he said “OK”. St. Peter said, “Great… I’ll see you in 350 years.”. The lawyer said, “But, how is that possible… I’m only 65 years old!”. St Peter said, “We go by billing hours”.

 

A plumber went to the attorneys house to unstop the sink. When he finished he said to the attorney “that will be $400.00.” The attorney became irate “What do you mean $400.00, you were only here 20 minutes, that’s ridiculous!!” The plumber replied, “I thought the same thing when I was an attorney”.

Afternoon Funny

chicken Far Side 2 far side 3Far Side 2far side 3

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, “I know what the Bible means!” “Okay,” said his father. “What does the Bible mean?” “That’s easy, Daddy….” the young boy replied excitedly,” It stands for ‘Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'” =======

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. “Is there anything breakable in here?” asked the postal clerk. “Only the Ten Commandments.” answered the lady. =======

Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good morning, Lord,” and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good Lord, it’s morning.” ========  There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it’s still out there in your pockets.” ========

While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign… “Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.” ========

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, “Boys and girls, what do we know about God?” A hand shot up in the air. “He is an artist!” said the kindergarten boy. “Really? How do you know?” the teacher asked. “You know – Our Father, who does art in Heaven… ” ========

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend.. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. “Reverend,” said the young man, “I’m so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.” The minister chuckled, “I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business.” ========

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.. ========

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. “Here’s a copy of the service,” he said impatiently. “But, you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.” During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.” At that moment, the substitute organist played “The Star Spangled Banner.” And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

Afternoon Funny

reunion 1

"He's wearing a life jacket just in case this brings back a flood of memories."

reunion 4

'That's your Uncle Joe.  He's the black sheet of the family.'

‘That’s your Uncle Joe. He’s the black sheet of the family.’

Another restraining order. This was the last time he'd try to plan a family reunion.

reunion 7 reunion 8School Reunion

Jack hadn’t been to a school reunion in decades.
When he walked in, Jack thought he recognized a woman over in the corner, so he approached her and extended his hand in greeting.
“You look like Helen Brown,” he remarked.
“Well”, replied the angry woman, “you don’t look so great in blue either!”

Old is when… your sweetie says, “Lets go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Honey, I can’t do both!”…your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’rebarefoot….a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garagedoor nearest your car….you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick….going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face….you don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’thave to go along….when it takes longer to rest than to get tired….when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by thepolice….”getting a little action” means I don’t need to take any fiber today….”getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot… an “all nighter” means not getting up to pee! Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn’t that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds? Someone has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends.What could hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?


At their high school reunion Sarah and Esther meet up for the first time in fifty years.

Sarah begins to tell Esther about her children: “My son is a doctor and he’s got four kids. My daughter is married to a lawyer and they have three great kids. So tell me Esther, how about your kids?”

Esther replies, “Unfortunately, Morty and I don’t have any children and so we have no grandchildren either.”

Sarah says, “No children…. and no grandchildren! So tell me, Esther, what do you do for aggravation?”