Afternoon Funny

A woman in her eighties made the evening news because she was getting married for the fourth time. The following day she was being interviewed by a local TV station, and the commentator asked about what it felt to be married again at that age and would she share part of her previous experiences, since it seem quite unique the fact that her new husband was a ‘funeral director.’ After a short time to think, a smile came to her face and she proudly explained that she had first married a banker when she was in her twenties, in her forties she married a circus ring master, and in her sixties she married a pastor and now in her eighties, a funeral director. The amazed commentator asked her why she had married men with such diverse carriers. With a smile on her face she explained, ‘I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.’
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A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. “Pardon me,” she said, “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It’s just that you look just like my son, who just died recently.” “I’m very sorry,” replied the young man, “is there anything I can do for you?” “Yes,” she said, “As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Good bye, Mother’? It would make me feel so much better.” “Sure,” answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Goodbye, Mother!” As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. “How can that be?” He asked, “I only purchased a few things!” “Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again.”
To which the gentleman said, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will five times!”

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back — wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem? “Ma’am,” the officer replies, you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers. Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-two miles an hour! “The old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time, “the officer asks. Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”

“How was your game, dear?” asked Jack’s wife Tracy.
“Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad I couldn’t see where the ball went,” he answered.
“But you’re 75 years old, Jack!” admonished his wife, “Why don’t you take my brother Scott along?”
“But he’s 85 and doesn’t play golf anymore,” protested Jack.
“But he’s got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you,” Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. “Do you see it?” asked Jack.
“Yup,” Scott answered.
“Well, where is it?” yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
“I forgot.”

An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.
The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?” The old man looks at the bartender through
Teary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper,
Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.”
The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?”
The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live!”

A Day With Erika Kind and Nutsrok

imageErika and I are having a wonderful visit.  Here you can see her at lunch with my mom, Kathleen Swain and my sister Phyllis Barrington of Anchors and Butterflies

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We picnicked at Bodcau Dam then Visited an old homestead.
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We took a ramble down a nature trail in the forest.  Above, see Kathleen Swain and Erika Kind.  Below, I got an excellent shot of Mother scrambling over a log that had fallen on the path.  Erika wanted me to help Mother over and I told her I would as soon as I got this picture.  I can help Mother anytime, but I might not ever get good pictures like this again.  She made it just fine.   We disturbed a spider’s lunch and saw some beautiful things.

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My Condolences

imageOne of the hardest parts of  being a nurse is comforting and supporting the bereaved family at the time of death.  Normally, family members are heartbroken, grieving at the death.  On a few occasions, I witnessed something different.  Mr. Jones, an elderly patient owned a successful insurance agency. Every morning, he donned freshly laundered silk pajamas.  When discharged,  He wore a fine finest suit, shirt, shoes, and hat and took great pride in being noticed.  He bragged of buying a new Cadillac every year, dining at the most prestigious restaurants, and enjoying a membership at The Country Club.

His son, Junior Jones was in his late fifties and had always worked for Daddy.  It appeared Mr. Jones was none to generous nor kind to Junior.  Junior dressed in cheap clothes and drove an ancient compact car.  It must have been miserable since he was so tall he had to fold up like a jackknife to fit in it.  When Junior came to the hospital to consult with Daddy about the business, Daddy was condescending, snide, and critical, never showing Junior the least respect.

One the morning Daddy died, we’d called to notify Junior his father’s death appeared imminent.  Junior came streaking into his father’s room just moments before Mr. Jones’ death.  I offered my condolences.  Junior ignored me, opened the drawer of the bedside table, dug out the keys to his father’s Cadillac, his father’s checkbook and left the room without speaking.  A nursing assistant who was a friend of the family walked him out to the parking garage.  He handed her the keys to his small car and drove off in his father’s big, black Cadillac.  That was different!  I guess he’d had enough.

Dear Auntie Linda, September 15, 2015

Auntie Linda Dear Auntie Linda,. Joe and I have been married four years and have a newborn son.  We live outside a Midwest city.  Joe has been working for a chemical company and I am a stay at home mom and artist.  Our lives are good.  Uncle Jake, called last week to ask Joe to take over his 800 acre farm twenty-eight miles outside town, so he can retire.  Joe will inherit the farm upon Uncle Jake’s death.  Joe worked for Uncle Jake summers and holidays all through high school and college and has always looked forward to having the farm one day.  I know this is a wonderful opportunity, but I’ve never lived in the country and am worried about leaving my family, friends, and the comfortable life we have built. I am worried about schools and social opportunities for my son. What if we move way out in the country and I hate rural living?  City Girl

Dear City Girl, Twenty-eight miles isn’t that far.  A half-hour automobile ride gets you back to town.  Inheriting a farm sounds like a wonderful opportunity, especially since Joe knows what he is getting into.  If you give farm life a try, you may find you like it.  Since you are a stay at home mother and artist, you can work as well there as in the city. Growing up on a farm can enhance your children’s lives in many ways.  Certainly, they will have more time with parents.  A great deal of a child’s education is parental input.  There are advantages to rural life.  Life is what you make.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  I got a call from my sister last week confessing that she had “borrowed” my information for a loan.  We have sequential drivers license and social security numbers since got them together on the same day.  She was able to convince a friend to accept my forged signature on an affadvit at her credit union as co-signer on a loan.  Since I am co-signer, they are coming after me for payment.  She pulled this same trick on my mother many years ago, getting my mother deep in debt.  I have no intention of paying this loan.  How do you deal with this kind of betrayal from family?  Rotten Sister

Dear Rotten, You are right not to get sucked in.  Your sister made this mess; it is hers to deal with.  Just distance yourself and don’t give her a second chance.  If you see her at family gatherings, just keep it casual.  Auntie Linda

Momma’ View 21 Day challenge, Day Three

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The crashing of the waves is the only thing that quiets my mind as I am immersed in the sound, the power, and the eternal energy of pounding surf.  Every wave that washes in empties me until I am completely at peace.

Joke of the Day

Pays To Be Old

to be old

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. 
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had 
moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired. 

Holding hands they walked
 back to their old school.
I t was not locked, so
 they entered, and found the old desk 
they’d shared where Andy had carved ‘I love you, Sally.’ 

On their way back ho me , a bag of money fell out of 

an armored car, practically landing at their feet.
Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure 

what to do with it, they took it home. 
There, she counted the money:  
fifty-thousand dollars! 

Andy said, ‘We’ve got to give it back.’  

Sally said, ‘Finders keepers.’ 
 

She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. 
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood 

looking for the money and knocked on the door.

‘Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag 
that fell out of an armored car yesterday?’

Sally said, ‘No.’  

Andy said, ‘She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.’ 
 

Sally said, ‘Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.’

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.  

One says:  ‘Tell us the story from the beginning’ 
 


Andy said, ‘Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . ..’

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, ‘We’re outta here.’

Dear Auntie Linda, August 13. 2015

Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  I am a nineteen year-old-single mother of a two-month-old boy.  My husband was killed in a combine accident before the baby was born.  My baby and my in-laws are all I have.  I need to start college so we don’t remain dependent on my husband’s parents. We still live with them on a farm in Wisconsin, forty-four miles from the nearest college town.  Commuting is out of the question in winter.  I can get financial aid and scholarships to live campus housing with my son and put him in day-care, but my in-laws are insisting it would be best to leave the baby with them during the week and spend weekends and holidays with him, since the farm will be his one day.  I could commute many days when the weather was good.  Torn

Dear Torn, You do have difficult choices to consider.  While he is still an infant and you are getting into the routine of college life, it might be less overwhelming if he stayed with his grandparents and you lived in campus housing, but he might very quickly become “their child” and you’d find yourself feeling like an outsider.  Should you decide to do that, I’d stay as involved as possible, commuting mid-week as well as weekends in good weather, and taking him with me full-time, as soon as it was feasible.  It’s wonderful you have good family.  I know that little guy will need to stay close to them.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, We don’t have a leash law in our rural neighborhood.  My neighbor’s dogs make a beeline to poop in my flower beds.  i am tired of cleaning it up. I have complained, but it makes no difference.  What do I do, now?  Pooped on

Dear Pooped,  I guess, fight poop with poop.  Since you are having to clean it up anyway, I guess just put it back in their yard.  I wouldn’t put it on the step.  That could get nasty pretty fast.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  I am getting married next month.  My parents are divorced and remarried.  They each say they won’t come to the wedding or help on expenses if the other comes.  What do I do?  Can’t Choose

Dear Can’t, First of all, better make sure you can afford the wedding.  You will be just as married, no matter how simple.  Secondly, don’t choose.  Just tell both parties, “hope you can make it!”

Joke of the Day

Nursing homeBertha was worried about her husband George, so she took him in to the doctor.  Bertha was waiting outside while George was talking to the doctor.  George told the doctor, “There’s no problem.  The Lord takes care of me.  When I go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on and when I’m through, turns it off.”

Knowing now there was a problem, the doctor called Bertha in to tell her what George said.

She replied, “Dammit, George!  How many times have I told you not to piss in the fridge!”