Aging gracefully, or Not

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'Push'n 50, but ya still got it!!'

‘Push’n 50, but ya still got it!!’

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When I was a kid, there were a lot of things I wanted to ask old people, but didn’t have the nerve. I’ll post some of them, since I have some “old friends” who have answered some of them for me. If you have questions, send them in and I’ll try to get some answers for you, too.

1. Do old people still have sex? Sure, thanks to pharmacology, if they can find someone willing, able, and blind or demented enough.

2. Why do old people drive so slow and park crazy? Most of them are retired and it doesn’t matter how long it takes them to park. Just be glad they didn’t scrape your fender on the way in to that space. They may have neck and back pain and stiff joints.

3. Why do old people dress so crazy? Why do kids dress crazy? They want to.

4. Why do old men grow hair on their noses and ears and old women get whiskers? All the energy that used to go into head hair and perky breasts gets rerouted when hormones play out. God forbid science extends life expectancy too much. We’ll all look like androgynous Brillo pads and be deaf as a stone.

5. Why do old people have such big noses and ears? Some body parts never stop growing. Unfortunately, this is usually limited to noses and ears, not something more appreciable. This big-eared looked is greatly enhanced by baldness and frizzy hair. The nose gets bigger to hold glasses up.

If you have questions, address them in comments. I’ll address them for you.

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Spam, Vagina, Penis, and Breasts, the Biggest Hits

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'I can too show gratitude. I'm just saving it for the right moment.'

‘I can too show gratitude. I’m just saving it for the right moment.’

Just thought I’d do a little test. I am putting the biggest searches to see how many hits I get on this post. Sorry, there won’t be any tantilyzing or provocative pictures, just deadly boring text. I will also list some tags I have used and gotten big draws. Please excuse this cheap trick. I will definitely not be posting this on Facebook.

Laugh Your Way With Joke of the Day

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Thinking of being thankful while still keeping a funny tone? You can do so and still wish a happy Thanksgiving to your close ones using these famous but yet funny Thanksgiving sayings and phrases.funny thanksgiving turkey

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. ~ Phyllis Diller

We’re having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing. ~ George Carlin

An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day. ~ Iry Kupcinet

I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Some one needs to tell the turkey, ‘man, just be yourself. ~ Mitch Hedberg

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. ~ Jon Stewart

The thing I’m most thankful for right now is elastic waistbands. ~Unknown Author

Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before. ~ Rita Rudner

I love Thanksgiving turkey… it’s the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger

Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year. ~ P.J. O’Rourke

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. ~ Erma Bombeck

Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty. ~ Michael Dresser

I have strong doubts that the first Thanksgiving even remotely resembled the ‘history’ I was told in second grade. But considering that (when it comes to holidays) mainstream America’s traditions tend to be over-eating, shopping, or getting drunk, I suppose it’s a miracle that the concept of giving thanks even surfaces at all. ~ Ellen Orleans

We should look for someone to eat and drink with before looking for something to eat and drink. ~ Epicurus

It’s not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight, it’s the seconds. ~ Unknown Author

Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty. ~ Michael Dresser

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow. ~ Rita Rudner

What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving? ~ Erma Bombeck

Thanksgiving, man! Not a good day to be my pants. ~ Kevin James

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. ~ Jon Stewart

Here I am 5 o’clock in the morning stuffing bread crumbs up a dead bird’s butt. ~ Roseanne Barr

Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftovers in aluminium foil and throw them out. ~ Nicole Hollander

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. ~ Erma Bombeck

A lot of Thanksgiving days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen. ~ Kin Hubbard

Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread and pumpkin pie. ~ Jim Davis

Coexistence… what the farmer does with the turkey – until Thanksgiving ? ~ Mike Connolly

Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread and pumpkin pie. ~ Jim Davis

If you want to save a species, simply decide to eat it. Then it will be managed – like chickens, like turkeys, like deer, like Canadian geese. ~ Ted Nugent

There is no sincerer love than the love of food. ~ George Bernard Shaw

It must be an odd feeling to be thankful to nobody in particular. Christians in public institutions often see this odd thing happening on Thanksgiving Day. Everyone in the institution seems to be thankful ‘in general.’ It’s very strange. It’s a little like being married in general. ~ Cornelius Plantinga, Jr

May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey plump, May your potatoes and gravy. Have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious, And your pies take the prize, And may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs! ~Unknown Author

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That Explains It!

Suzy went to her plastic surgeon.  “You’ve got to do something about these wrinkles under my eyes.  They look just awful!”

“Sure, I can fix you right up!” said Dr. Jones.  “I’ll put this little knob on top of your head. Give it a little twist, and Voila!!  The wrinkles are gone!  Come back if you have any trouble”

Sure enough, it worked like magic.  Suzy was thrilled!  She was a new woman!  She looked like she was eighteen again!  Every time her face drooped a little, she gave the knob a little twist.

Five years later, Suzy came back to see Dr. Jones.  “You fixed me up a while back with this little knob to tighten up my wrinkles.  It worked great for a long time, but it’s stripped out now and I’ve got these big bags under my eyes.  What can you do about them?”

“Those aren’t bags!  Those are your breasts!  I told you to come back if you had any trouble!”

“Oh, then that explains the goatee!”

Sex Education in the 1950s

talk too muchI learned all this valuable information back in the 1950’s with absolutely no sex education!

Probably until about the time I started school, I thought when people wanted a baby, they went to the hospital and picked one out from a collection there. Those that were not chosen grew up to be doctors and nurses.   The sex of the baby was determined by the way the parents dressed  it and fixed its hair.

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If Men Had Babies

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Daddy loved going to doctors and taking medicines.  He walked through one morning as Mother’s friend mentioned she was seeing Dr Bert Mason, praising him to Mother. Upon hearing this recommendation of a doctor he had no experience of, his ears perked up.  Pondering Shirley’s recommendation as he went about his business, he did a total body assessment, trying to determine what imperfect body part might be most in need of attention.  Like most people over forty, at any time he could likely zero in on problem or two.  His knee was cranky, uncomfortable in foul weather.  Seasonal allergies were an ongoing problem.  Indigestion was a common visitor.  Maybe he should see Dr. Mason. He made a note to have mother call for an appointment when he got back in the house.

Two weeks later, they hurried in to the doctor’s office.  He settled in while Mother registered him.  They were the first ones to be seen after the lunch break.  As they waited, a couple of patients joined them.  In less than five minutes, the nurse called out, “Billie Swain?”  He was surprised to be called Billie, but followed her into the bowels of the clinic.  As Mother waited, the room quickly filled with patients.  Before long, Mother notice a commonality.  The patients were all women, mostly obviously pregnant, or nursing newborns.  Realizing there was nothing to be done, she settled back, looking forward to Daddy’s reaction to his visit with Dr. Mason, M.D., OB/GYN.

Within minutes, Daddy slipped out the door in the rear of the waiting room, signaling as he made his way out the door, hoping to escape notice.

Get to the Point!

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Picture a skinny girl with boobs the size of fried eggs in this lovely lingerie.  Then add a curly, frizzy crazy old-lady perm.  Add a few sheer out-of-style dresses Grandma hand-picked for me at Goodwill.  Don’t forget the pimply back and cotton slip showcased so beautifully by those hideous dresses.  There you have the nightmare of style I sported in Continue reading

That Explains It!

The blonde went to her plastic surgeon.  “You’ve got to do something about these wrinkles under my eyes.  They look just awful!”

“Sure, I can fix you right up!” said Dr. Jones.  “I’ll put this little knob on top of your head. Give it a little twist, and Voila!!  The wrinkles are gone!  Come back if you have any trouble”

Sure enough, it worked like magic.  The blonde was thrilled!  She was a new woman!  She looked like she was eighteen again!  Every time her face drooped a little, she gave the knob a little twist.

Five years later the blonde came back to see Dr. Jones.  “You fixed me up a while back with this little knob to tighten up my wrinkles.  It worked great for a long time, but it’s stripped out now and I’ve got these big bags under my eyes.  What can you do about them?”

“Those aren’t bags!  Those are your breasts!  I told you to come back if you had any trouble!”

“Oh, then that explains the goatee!”