Joke of the Day

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"I get a shooting pain up my left arm every time I reach for a second helping and my wife stabs me with her fork."

“I get a shooting pain up my left arm every time I reach for a second helping and my wife stabs me with her fork.”

'I'm very health conscious. I only eat animals that are vegetarians.'

‘I’m very health conscious. I only eat animals that are vegetarians.’

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Why shouldn’t you worry about gaining a few extra pounds? Fat people are harder to kidnap.

You’re fat and you need to go on a diet. I’m not going to sugarcoat it because you’ll eat that too.

My wife is a light eater. As soon as it’s light she starts to eat. -Henry Youngman

Did you hear about the Dr. DoLittle Diet? You talk to food instead of eating it.

You can’t lose weight by talking about it. You need to keep your mouth shut.

D.I.E.T. = Did I Eat That?

D.I.E.T. = Do I Eat Today?

D.I.E.T. = Don’t Indulge Every Time

Why shouldn’t you fall in love with a pastry chef? He’ll dessert you.

Did you hear about the hungry clock? He went back four seconds.

What is a man’s idea of a balanced diet? A beer in each hand.

Have you seen the movie about the Atkins diet? Dude, Where’s My Carbs?

What do you call someone who can’t stick with a diet? A desserter.

When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds.

 What do you call a fascist vegan? Lactose intolerant.

 How many vegetarians does it take to eat a cow? One if nobody’s looking.

 If your dog is too fat, then your not getting enough exercise.

 I know it’s 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak.

Diets are for people that are thick and tired of it.

Long Life A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I would like to live a long life. What should I do?” “I think that is a wise decision,” the doctor replies. “Let’s see, do you smoke?” “Oh.. Half a pack a day.” “Starting NOW, no more smoking.” The man agrees. The doctor then asks, “Do you drink?” “Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while.” “Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions.” The man is a bit upset, but also agrees. The doctor asks, “How do you eat?” “Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff.” “Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese.” The man is now really worried. “Doc, is all this really necessary?” “Do you want to live long?” “Yes.” “Well then, it’s absolutely necessary. And don’t even think of breaking the diet.” The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, “Do you have sex?” “Yeah, once a week or so…, only with my wife!” he adds hurriedly. “As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None.” The man is appalled. “Doc… Are you sure I’m going to live longer this way?” The doctor replies “I have no idea, but however long you live, I assure you is going to seem like an eternity!”

Cookies for Peace

imageBud went on a diet.  This means he’s polished off everything  easy to grab in the pantry so never plans to eat again.  After forty-five years, I know his habits.  Trying to forestall a late-day panic, I asked early in the day if he’d like me to make something light.  I was thinking, fruit salad, jello with fruit, something like that. “No, I am on a diet.”

He went all day till he caved about five,  Dinner was pinto beans with lean pork over brown rice, a nice salad, and cornbread.  Dinner again at seven with pinto beans, pork, rice, cornbread, but to cut calories, no salad.  About eight, he jumped like he’d been poked with a hot-shot, exclaiming proudly “I know what I want! Tea cakes!”  You’d have thought he was an astrophysicist with a new theory,

Deep in WordPress, I’d already settled for the evening. “I asked you earlier today if you wanted me to make something and you said ‘No.’.”

“But you didn’t say anything about teacakes.”  This could end peacefully only one way.  He said he’d help.

He got all the stuff out.  I measured and put them in the bowl as he told me about a dozen things I was doing wrong.  I ignored him.  I’m the best cook I know.  In about ten minutes the cookies were done.  There are four of them left.  He will probably be on a diet till about three.  If you hurry, you can get here while the coffee’s still hot.